Forbidden
by MacManusChick
Summary: Murphy discovers that what he's always wanted has been with him all along, his twin brother Connor. But Connor has no idea. Does he? Murphy tries to hide his feelings, tries to be something he's not, tries to be just a brother. But that doesn't work out too well.
1. I hate her

**A/N:** First attempt at slash/Conphy twincest. If you don't like, please avoid. I own nothing.

* * *

_Shit, not her again, not that fucking witch. _

Murphy couldn't believe she was back in their lives, well, back in Connor's life anyway. He had been so excited when Connor broke up with her last week but it hadn't lasted, Connor was too pussy whipped, at least that's what Murphy thought anyway, and Connor had gone running back to the bitch with his dick tucked between his legs like a proverbial tail.

Connor had asked if Murphy thought he was making a mistake by taking Katie back and as much as Murphy wanted to yell at him that _YES, it was a terrible mistake, the biggest mistake ever, _Murphy just couldn't do that to Connor, he would have been too hurt, especially since he'd already taken her back by the time he asked. So Murphy bit his tongue & danced around the question with the answer, "It's your decision, Conn. As long as you're happy, then I'm happy." That seemed to satisfy his twin, especially since Connor didn't really want an answer, all he really wanted was validation. And he could get that from Katie. So Murphy bit his tongue. Again.

Connor was sitting in the school cafeteria across from Murphy, joking and laughing, telling his twin all about how Steve O'Malley lost his swim trunks when he jumped in the school pool that morning while trying to show off in front of a group of girls. Connor was lively that day, he loved telling stories & making people laugh, especially his fraternal twin brother. Murphy had tears in his eyes from laughing at Connor's description of the event, Connor could always make Murphy laugh until he cried, that was one of his natural gifts.

Murphy wiped his eyes on his sleeve, shaking his head & holding his stomach, he could picture just what Connor described, and it was just as funny as if he'd been there to see it himself. "Stop...I can't fuckin' _breathe_, Connor."

Of course, this only encouraged Connor more & he went on to describe how one of the girls fished Steve's trunks from the pool & told him to 'come and get them.' And Steve did, to the horrified squealing of the girls.

"Aw, fuck me, Conn...stop." Tears sprang from Murphy's eyes as he convulsed in laughter, and he tried to compose himself, wiping again at his eyes with his sleeve when his laughter finally calmed down.

"You crying, Murphy? I told Connor you were a pussy," the female voice came from over Connor's shoulder.

Murphy looked up past the person he loved most in this world & looked at the person he despised..._her...Katie...the fucking witch._ Shit, he fucking hated her, he wanted to smash her face into Connor's untouched lasagna.

Connor could see the anger in his brother's eyes, and even if he hadn't seen it, he'd know it was there without even looking at him. Some things he just knew about Murph.

"Don't be teasing Murph, Katie. That's my job, just leave him be, all right?"

Katie smiled at Murphy, the sort of sickly fake smile she was best at. "Murphy knows I'm just kidding. Right?"

Murphy slowly nodded, knowing Connor was watching him closely. "'Course." It was difficult, damn near impossible, but he was able to reign in his fury. For Connor, he pushed it down.

Katie smiled wider, "See? I told you Connor." As expected, she practically draped herself over Connor's shoulder, her big tits almost falling out of her too tight blouse as she kissed Connor's cheek with wet lips. Typical...hanging all over his twin, just like always.

She remained draped over Connor, leaning forward, and Murphy couldn't help but look at her exposed cleavage, her top pulling open wider at the crest of her full breasts, her black bra peek-a-booing from the v-neck blouse. Katie's tits were huge, Connor said they were double D's, and Murphy couldn't help but stare. After all, they were practically right in front of his face, how could he not look at them? He only meant to take a quick glance & then look away, but when he saw that black bra, he kept staring, watching her tits jiggle as she moved.

"You like what you see, Murphy? You like my tits do ya?"

Connor's head jerked to look at his brother, his eyes accusing, before he looked over his shoulder at the huge, half-exposed tits of his girlfriend. His eyes returned to his brother's eyes, but Murphy had quickly looked away & he was suddenly fascinated with the mac & cheese on his tray, his fork poking at the noodles & moving them around the plate.

Connor reached over the table & smacked his brother's hand, laughing quietly. "Don't be staring, Murph. It's not polite."

"I wasn't staring."

"Oh no? Then what would you call it?"

Murphy shifted in his seat before slowly answering, "I'd call it _looking._ That's all I did was look."

Connor shook his head, "Nice try. A look is all of 3 seconds. A stare is what you were doing. _Staring, Murph._ With your tongue hanging out all bug eyed."

Murphy stabbed the noodles with his fork, pretending it was Katie's face but still not looking up from his lunch. "It was a look, Connor, nothing more. Besides, it's not like I could help it. Her tits were _right fucking there." _

"Yeah, well...next time, don't be _looking _so hard, aye?"

"Maybe next time you should take a picture, Murphy," Katie mumbled. She just had to add her lousy stinking two cents to the conversation.

Murphy glanced at Connor before his eyes darted to the cleavage over his shoulder. It was like an accident, he just had to look. He quickly dropped his eyes once again to his tray with a shrug of his shoulders. "I've seen better."

"'Course ya have. Plenty of times, aye?" Connor said with a smirk.

"Yup. More than plenty."

Connor let his brother have his lie, he knew Murphy had only seen bare tits in a movie or in the dirty magazines their friends had let them look at. Other than that, gawking at Katie's cleavage was the closest Murphy had come to actually seeing bare tits in person. Connor certainly knew this but he wasn't about to let Katie know this, it would embarrass his brother. No way he'd do that to Murph, even if he stared at his girls rack. Besides, it wasn't any of Katie's business how far his brother got with a girl. Some things stayed between brothers.

Much to Murphy's relief, the bell rang loudly, signaling a much needed end to lunch. Katie pulled at Connor's arm, effectively dragging him from his seat, trying to pull him away from Murphy like she always did.

"You coming, Murph?" Connor asked, stopping in his tracks, waiting for his brother like he always did.

But Murphy didn't want to walk with _her._ He'd had his fill of that bitch, he'd had all he could take. Besides, his next class wasn't the same as Connor's, it was actually in the other direction, so leaving the cafeteria together wasn't that big a deal. At least it wasn't that big a deal as long as Katie was there.

"Nah, I want to finish my milk. Go on ahead." And he lifted the carton of chocolate milk to his mouth, drinking as slowly as he could, wishing they would just leave.

"You sure? I can wait."

Murphy nodded his head, waving him away with his hand, swallowing so fucking slow that he almost coughed.

"All right, I'll see you later then. If you're sure." Murphy again nodded, drinking ever so slowly, and Connor was confused, he always waited for Murph. Concern was etched on Connor's face, what was wrong with his brother?

Katie smiled that same fake fucking smile she always put on whenever she was around Murphy. "Come on Connor. I think Murphy needs a few minutes before he can stand up. At least without a book in front of him."

Understanding came over Connor's face & he smirked, "Oh, I get it. Just give it a minute, Murph. Think of old ladies in bikinis, that should do it." Connor winked & wiggled his eyebrows as he let Katie pull him away.

Katie smiled at Murphy from over Connor's shoulder as they walked away, giggling at his 'discomfort,' thinking erroneously that it was her that made him hard, her tits that made him ache, her teasing that drove him crazy with desire. He wanted to stab her in the eye with a spork.

She was wrong about everything, completely & utterly wrong. Katie hadn't excited him, not in the least. Murphy hadn't stared at her tits with lust, but with fascination, wondering why Connor found them so attractive, so desirable, why he wanted to touch & kiss them so badly. Murphy didn't have those same desires, he didn't give a shit about Katie's tits, or any tits, really. He knew he was different but didn't understand why.

All he knew was he wasn't tempted by Katie or her body. He was tempted by something far more beautiful, far more perfect, far more...dangerous.

Murphy was tempted by Connor.


	2. Want

"It was s'posed to be just _us_, Connor."

"I know, Murph. But what can I do?"

_You can tell her no, you can make her stay behind, you can choose ME._ That's what he wanted to say but couldn't without sounding like a bratty, jealous prick.

Murphy sighed, staring in anger at his brother's reflection in the mirror, his eyes glaring in that way only Murphy could do. Connor continued to fuss with his hair, pulling it up into little spikes, trying to get it just so, not paying attention to the Murphy death glare.

"Why can't it be just you & me? Like it used to be."

"'Cause now I got a girl, that's why. And quit your whining, you sound like a baby when you do that."

Murphy gritted his teeth, it was one of his pet peeves to be called a baby & Connor fucking knew that, that's why he did it, to irritate him.

"I just don't understand why you invited her along. On our day."

Connor turned his head, examining the sides of his hair, and satisfied with what he saw, he finally looked at his little brother's reflection. "Our day? Really, Murph? What are ya, five?"

Murphy turned away & left the bathroom, he'd had enough of his brother, enough of watching him primp & 'pretty' himself up for the witch. He didn't understand why Connor did all that, he didn't see the need, Connor was beautiful without doing all that, it oozed from his pores.

Connor kicked the door shut behind him, effectively ending their brief argument with the slamming sound. Murphy stared at the shut door, hearing Connor moving around on the other side, spraying his hair, probably putting on that cologne that stunk to high heaven. Murphy thought about knocking on the door, but couldn't figure out what he'd say when Connor opened it. He stood there for a moment debating, until he finally decided it was better to just leave him be.

Murphy entered the kitchen & paused when he saw his Ma sitting at the table, an almost empty whiskey bottle sitting in front of her. She filled her glass & as she brought it to her lips, her eyes caught his over the glass. He slowly entered the room, he never knew what kind of mood his Ma was in when she was drinking, sometimes she was loving, sometimes she was eerily quiet and sometimes she was just plain mean.

He took a glass from the cupboard & set it on the counter, feeling her eyes on the back of his head as he moved. He debated whether he should have water or milk, deciding on chocolate milk because it was his most favorite thing to drink, and he went to the icebox to look for the carton he had brought home yesterday.

"I think your no good brother drank all your precious chocolate milk. You ain't gonna have nothin' to drink there, Murphy."

"Connor usually doesn't drink it all."

She chuckled at him as he opened the icebox, "Oh, Connor wouldn't do that….not to you, eh? He loves ya far too much to drink all your stupid chocolate milk, is that it?"

Murphy tried his best to ignore her, he'd just get his glass of milk & leave as quick as possible. The carton was on the door, just where he left it, unopened just like he knew it would be. He quickly poured his glass of milk, returned the carton to the icebox door & quickly moved to the stairs, heading back up to his room with his glass of milk, the sound of his mother's drunken words following him.

"You better not waste any of that! You hear me, Murphy MacManus? And I expect you to bring that glass back to the kitchen when you're done!"

He reached the safety of his room, shutting the door behind him & noting that his twin was still in the bathroom, probably still trying to beautify himself. Murphy sat on the edge of his bed, trying not to think of anything, especially Connor, and he slowly drank half the glass of milk.

From behind the door, he heard "Fuck!" loudly muttered, followed by a quiet mumbling he couldn't quite make out. Murphy finished his milk, waiting for Connor to return so he could again try to convince him to spend the evening with just him. Like they'd originally planned. Like it was supposed to be...just Connor and Murphy.

The door flew open & out came Connor wearing only his jeans which were unbuttoned & partially unzipped, his shirt clutched in his fist. Shit….he looked incredible. "This is just fucking great. Thanks a lot, Murphy!"

Murphy looked at him with his huge blue eyes, clueless as to what Connor was going on about. All he knew was, a mad Connor was a sexy Connor. The way his eyes flashed, the way he held his body, the way his chest muscles flexed. Murphy felt like he was losing his mind.

Connor stood glaring at him & Murphy forced his eyes to remain on his brother's face, not to wander like they wanted to. "What's your fucking problem?" he questioned.

"_You_. You're my fucking problem. You're always my fucking problem. You always fuck things up for me."

Then it hit Murphy, realization like a lightning bolt. He was in charge of the wash this week. The wash that he didn't do, as evidenced by the dirty shirt Connor held out to him.

"I wanted to wear this tonight, but _nooooo_, you couldn't do the one chore you had for the week, could ya? You fucked me over again, Murphy. Just like always."

Murphy rolled his eyes at his brother, Connor could be such the diva when he wanted to be. "It's just a shirt, Conn."

Connor shook his head & tossed his shirt against the wall, ignoring his twin. He moved to his dresser, rummaging through it, trying to find something clean to wear, something that would look half decent, something that didn't smell like feet.

Murphy stood up & went to his own dresser, placing the empty glass on top before pulling out his brand new, baby blue dress shirt, the shirt he hadn't even worn yet. He only bought it because Connor told him it made his eyes look amazing & he liked the sound of that, Connor noticing his eyes and all. He looked at Connor's bare back, seeing the outline of his hard muscles flexing, his skin tan & smooth, his shoulders broad. He remembered how his back felt under his hands just a couple months ago when he smeared sunscreen on his skin when they were at the beach. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel Connor's back muscles in his lotion slick hands.

Shaking his head to free his mind of those thoughts, he took a few tentative steps toward his irate brother. "You can wear my shirt. If you want."

Connor looked over his shoulder, "What?"

"Here, take it. It'll look better on you anyway."

Connor's eyes softened, glancing down at the shirt his brother held out to him. "You haven't even worn it yet."

"Just take it, all right?" Murphy took a few more steps toward Connor, lifting the shirt closer to him. "I mean it, take it. It's more your style anyway."

Connor slowly took it from his brother's hand, holding it up, inspecting it. "It really is a nice shirt. You sure?"

"Aye. You'll look incredible in it."

Connor laughed at his brother, not really finding his compliment out of the ordinary. "Incredible? I don't know about that. But I do need something to wear. If you're sure."

"I'm sure. Go ahead, put it on."

Connor slid the soft shirt on his body & it fit like a glove, conforming to his upper body like a second skin, clinging where it should & emphasizing his physique perfectly. Connor buttoned the shirt & tucked it into his pants, fastening his belt on his narrow waist. He looked at his brother, holding his arms out & asking, "Well?"

Murphy's eyes ran over his brother's body, happily appraising him at his twin's invitation and finding nothing but absolute perfection. "You look incredible," he softly said. "Really amazing."

"Yeah, right. Whatever, Murph." Then he smiled, one of his special smiles reserved only for Murphy. "Thanks. And...I'm sorry, for yelling at you."

Murphy nodded in response, wishing he could see that smile every second of his life.

Connor disappeared back into the bathroom & Murphy sighed, wondering what else Connor could groom, primp or pluck. But Connor was back within seconds, a damp washcloth in his hands.

"C'mere, baby brother," he said, motioning with his hand.

Murphy scowled, "I'm not your baby brother, Connor, and you fucking know it."

Connor looked to the heavens, rolling his eyes. "Fine. You're not my baby brother. Just c'mere, already."

Murphy moved to his brother, wondering what was going on. Connor took him by his chin, holding his head in place & he reached up with the washcloth in his other hand. "Let me clean ya up. You have quite the chocolate milk mustache."

Murphy felt himself begin to blush, not from embarrassment like Connor was assuming, but from nervousness at having Connor's hand on his face, the gentle way he wiped his upper lip, the soft words he spoke as he focused on his mouth, the very mouth Murphy wanted him to kiss.

"It really is kind of cute how you can't drink milk without getting a milk mustache. It's one of my favorite things about you. Did I ever tell you that?"

Murphy shook his head, surprised that Connor had a favorite thing about him. He wondered what else about him that Connor liked. As if to answer his unspoken question, Connor smiled and said, "I like how I can make ya blush, too. Even your ears are red, Murph. It really is cute."

Murphy looked down, wanting this moment to last forever. He never wanted Connor to stop telling him all the things he liked about him, he wanted his hand to stay on his face, he wanted Connor to keep touching him. He wanted….he wanted…..he wanted _Connor_.

Connor took his thumb & wiped it across Murphy's upper lip, not once but twice. "There. You're back to being your handsome self again."

Murphy could only nod & smile, not trusting his voice to remain steady, and he felt his heart pounding faster in his chest. He was sure Connor could hear it too, it was so loud, but Connor just smiled again before moving away. That's when Murphy realized he was holding his breath & as he tried to breathe, he began to hiccup.

Connor laughed, "You were holding your breath, weren't ya?"

With a loud 'Hic,' Murphy nodded, turning redder this time from embarrassment.

Connor shook his head in amusement at his brother who let out another loud 'Hic.' "Ya gotta stop holding your breath, Murph. Some day you're gonna hiccup yourself to death & I don't want that to happen, aye?"

"Me—HIC—neither."

Connor laughed louder, "Well if ya can control your hiccups long enough, get changed. We gotta get going or we'll be late for the movie."

"Why don't ya just—HIC—go without me? I'd just be a third—HIC—wheel anyway."

"Now you listen to me. You're never a third wheel, not ever."

Murphy shrugged, "I ain't got nothin' to—HIC—wear. Remember? I didn't do the—HIC—wash."

Connor put his hands on his hips & gave him _the look._ The look that said he wasn't in the mood for any of Murphy's delays, he wasn't in the mood for any of Murphy's excuses, he wasn't in the mood for any of Murphy's shite. Period.

Connor pushed past his brother & went to his dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans & throwing them on the bed. "Take your sweatpants off & put these on." He shut the drawer with a thud & opened the next drawer, the one with all of Murphy's shirts. He began to rifle through the shirts, pulling a couple out before shoving them back in. Finally, he pulled out a light blue shirt, holding it up & sniffing it.

"Smells clean," he mumbled as he turned to his twin. "You look really good in this. I want you to wear this one."

Murphy loved when Connor picked out his clothes, it was so personal & it made him feel kind of special, like it mattered to Connor what he wore. His hiccups had stopped & he moved to obey his brother, pulling his t-shirt & sweatpants off and dumping them in a pile on the floor.

Connor bent to pick up the garments, he always seemed to be cleaning up after Murph, and he took the clothes & tossed them in the corner with the shirt from earlier. As Murphy pulled on the jeans, Connor stood watching & Murphy felt his hands start to shake as he buttoned his pants. As much as he loved it when his brother looked at him, it made him nervous when he watched him dress. Or worse, undress. He glanced up at his twin & smiled nervously before pulling the shirt over his head.

Connor nodded as he scanned Murphy's body & Murphy could swear he felt a weight in that look. He wished he wasn't so skinny, he wished he was cut like Connor, then maybe Connor would have something more to look at. Connor suddenly moved closer, pulling at Murphy's shirt to straighten it. "I told ya. Ya look really good, Murph."

Then Connor's fingers were in his hair, straightening it, trying to push what was sticking up back into place, his fingers running through his thick locks. Murphy resisted the urge to close his eyes, instead he watched his brother's face with rapt attention. Connor looked so intense at this close distance & Murphy was fascinated.

"Ya need a haircut," Connor quietly observed, his fingers grazing Murphy's ears & making him shiver.

"I know."

"Ya gonna let me cut it for you?"

Murphy locked eyes with his brother, he loved when Connor cut his hair, it was one of his favorite things to sit in front of his twin while Connor fussed over him. "If ya want."

"I want."

"Then ya can cut it for me."

Connor nodded, a smile spreading across his face. "Good. Tomorrow. It's a date."

He wished.


	3. Movie

Hell. That's what it was, pure hell. And Katie was the fucking devil, Murphy was sure of it.

Connor had let _her_ pick the movie, Murphy just knew it. It was actually Connor's turn to pick and there's no fucking way he'd pick this worthless movie, this chick flick, this pile of bile. Connor was just trying to appease her so she wouldn't ruin Friday night completely, like she usually did. But at least Connor sat in the middle, that way Murphy didn't have to even look at her stupid face for the next two hours.

Two hours of fucking hell. And the movie hadn't even started yet.

Popcorn...Murphy would need popcorn to get through this movie.

"Connor..." he whispered quietly.

But all he saw was the back of his twin's head, Connor was busy listening to Satan talk about whatever bullshit she usually talked about, probably something stupid and meaningless, probably gossip of some sort.

"Connor..." he tried again, a little louder this time. Katie glanced at him over Connor's shoulder, a smirk on her face as she became even more animated, her screechy voice a little screechier. She just had to take all of Connor's attention, every last bit. There was hardly anything left for Murphy. And the few times Connor paid him any attention at all, that's when Katie started her theatrics. Like now.

"Conn!" Still, Connor didn't look.

"Apparently, your brother has something urgent to tell you, Connor." Then she smiled that smile that Murphy hated with all his heart, her icy smile laced with arsenic.

Connor turned angry eyes on Murphy, "What the fuck do ya want now, Murph?"

"I'm...I'm going for popcorn. Do you want any?"

"You interrupted us to ask if I wanted any fucking popcorn? What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"Nothin'. I just thought maybe you might want some."

"Well I don't. Now go away." Then Connor turned back to the devil, forgetting all about his twin once again. Murphy sat for a moment longer before sighing & slowly getting up, Katie watching his every move as he slowly walked away.

The lobby was crowded, too many people to suit Murphy, but he would have liked to have had one more there, as long as it was Connor. He stood in line for popcorn, glancing around & seeing some girls from school who were giggling & smiling at him. He grinned & waved, hoping they wouldn't come over but of course, his luck was for shit and one broke away, heading his way.

"Hi, Murphy," a sickly sweet voice cooed.

"Hi." He would have used her name but he had no fucking idea what it was. And he really didn't care, either. He only recognized her from history class, she sat one row over & back a couple seats.

"What are ya doing here?" she again cooed, her voice full of honey.

"Seeing a movie."

He practically jumped at her loud giggle & she reached out & touched his arm, "You're so funny." She kept her hand on his arm, stroking it with her nails and he resisted the urge to pull it away. He was surprised it actually felt kind of nice, kind of tickled even.

"Thanks." He wished she'd leave, he really didn't want to waste his time talking to this girl, even if she was giving him goosebumps.

"What movie are ya seeing?"

He pointed to the marquee above the entry way he had come from & the girl giggled. "Really? Doesn't seem like your kind of movie."

"S'not. Wasn't my choice."

"Oh. You're not alone, then?"

He shook his head, "Nah...I'm with Conn." He swallowed hard & added, "And Katie." He practically choked on her name.

She nodded, a grin now on her face and she leaned a little closer to him. "Oh. Third wheel, huh?"

Murphy shrugged. "I guess."

"Sir? Sir...you're next."

"I guess I'm next," he mumbled & moved to the counter, ordering a small popcorn with extra butter. He knew she was still behind him, he could feel her eyes on him. He glanced over his shoulder at her, "Did you want anything?"

"No, but thank you. You're so sweet, Murphy."

He nodded & turned back to the counter, reaching into his pocket & pulling out his money, paying for his popcorn. He moved to the side & sprinkled salt over the top & when he turned back around, she had rejoined her friends, still giggling & smiling at him.

He guessed he'd just go back & join Connor in hell but as he began to walk past her, she reached out & touched his arm gently, stopping him.

"You still have about 10 minutes before the movie starts."

He shrugged, she was right about that.

"You could stay & talk a bit longer. If you wanted."

He really didn't want to try to make small talk, especially with a group of giggly girls, but the alternative wasn't much better. At least out here, he didn't feel so alone. At least out here, he wasn't being ignored. At least out here, he wouldn't have to watch Connor be with someone else while he slowly died inside.

"I guess that'd be okay," he mumbled in response.

"Oh, oh good. Um...these are my friends, Mags & Bryn."

He nodded at them, they were all actually quite pretty, for girls, anyway. "I'm Murphy."

Mags giggled, "Yeah, we know who you are."

"Huh? What do ya mean? How do you know me?"

"Oh...we don't. Charlotte's mentioned your name a few times to us, that's all." Charlotte, the girl he'd been talking to, that was her name. And she'd talked about him? Why?

He looked at Charlotte who had turned a bright red. "I wasn't talking about you, not like you think," she began to stammer. "I just, we were, we were talking about twins and I mentioned you & your brother. How you were twins. That's all."

Bryn mumbled, "Yeah. Twins. That's all."

Murphy nodded as Charlotte shot her friends a look. "I really wasn't talking about you, Murphy."

He grinned, "S'okay, I don't mind. As long as you didn't say anything bad, especially about Connor."

She shook her head, "I would never say anything bad about you. Or your brother. Not ever."

"Then it's okay. I'm not mad."

"Good," she sighed loudly & gathered her courage, quickly glancing at her friends before turning her attention back to the boy in front of her. "You know, you could come with me."

"And where exactly do ya want to take me?"

Charlotte's eyes lit up & she smiled broadly as her friends gawked. "Ummm...I...ah..."

Murphy noticed how nervous she was, how she was at a loss for words, how red she was. He liked being the object of _someone's_ desire, even if it was just Charlotte, and he was enjoying the effect he had on her. He wondered if he looked like she did when Connor was around.

_Connor_...shit. He wondered if Connor missed him at all right now. Or if he even noticed he hadn't yet returned.

"Murphy? Did you hear me?"

"Yeah." He lied.

"Well?"

"Umm..." He had no idea what she had said to him, how he should respond. Her friends were staring at him all wide-eyed, waiting for a response of some kind. "I guess so."

"Oh...good. Umm...well the movie starts in a few minutes so if you want to tell Connor where you'll be, we'll go get seats & you can meet us inside." She motioned to a marquee across the lobby. "It's that one, in there. Just look for me, okay?"

He glanced at the marquee, smiling. The action movie he was dying to see, no fucking way. He nodded at Charlotte & she watched him as he hurried in to talk to his brother, her eyes on his tight little ass.

Mags & Bryn giggled as they quickly led Charlotte away, telling her she'd owe them for making them see this movie just so she could be with this guy. "He'd better be worth it."

Charlotte had spent the better part of the past few weeks watching Murphy in history class, staring at the back of his head, studying his every move, she knew how he fidgeted, she knew how he doodled, she knew his nervous habits. Oh yeah, she thought he was definitely worth it. What she hadn't noticed during all those hours of watching him however, was that Murphy was staring just as intently. But at someone else.

"Connor. Hey, Connor." Murphy leaned forward & tapped Connor on the shoulder, pulling his brother from the mouth of the devil. Connor sighed & ran his hand through his hair, turning to look at his twin. Katie glared at Murphy as Connor mumbled, "You have shit timing, Murphy."

"Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I'll meet you in the lobby after the movie, okay?"

Connor looked confused, his brow furrowed as he turned further in his seat to get a better look at his brother. "What are you talking about? And where the fuck have you been?"

Murphy held the popcorn out. "Getting popcorn. I told you."

"How long does it take to get fucking popcorn?"

"There was a line."

Katie mumbled, "Must have been a hell of a line."

Murphy ignored her, mumbling back, "S'not like anyone even noticed, what with all the face sucking going on."

"Hey..._I _noticed, Murph. _Me_...I noticed," Connor stated adamantly, poking himself in the chest.

Murphy just stood there, chewing his lip, his eyes looking like a puppy, wide & full of hurt. He knew Connor hadn't noticed he didn't return, he wasn't stupid, he knew.

Connor watched him, evaluated him with those eyes of his, those all seeing, see right through Murphy's bullshit, eyes. Murphy shifted under his scrutiny.

"I have to go. I'll meet you in the lobby afterward. Okay?" And Murphy waited for Connor to say it was all right. If Connor said no, he'd stay, they both knew he would, there was no doubt about that.

Connor felt himself soften, he hated the way Murphy was looking at him, with a mixture of something Connor hadn't quite figured out yet, something that was bubbling just below Murph's skin. "Murph. Stay, okay? I want you to stay, _we_ want you to stay. Right, Katie?"

"Oh, absolutely. Stay, Murphy." Connor didn't seem to notice the tone in her voice, but Murphy did. And he chose to ignore it, like always.

"But….she's saving me a seat."

Connor lit up, "She? Who's she?"

Murphy shrugged, "No one. Just...let's just meet up later, okay? I really have to go."

Connor smirked, winking as he said, "Well don't keep the girl waiting, Murph. You go get her and I'll see you in the lobby after the movie."

Murphy knew Connor misunderstood, it was so obvious & written all over his face. Murphy wasn't excited to be with Charlotte, he just really wanted to see the other movie. The bonus was, he wouldn't have to watch Connor make out with the witch for the next two hours, he'd watch shit blow up instead.

Murphy hesitated, he didn't want to leave Connor, not really. But Connor motioned with his hand, "Go! What are you doing? She's waiting for you!"

With a quick nod, Murphy left his brother behind & went to find Charlotte. He entered the darkened room of the theater, thinking this might work out better than he thought, he'd never find her in the dark & then he could just enjoy the movie without having to sit with anyone. But as he walked a little further inside, his eyes adjusted & he saw her waiting for him just past the doorway, shifting nervously on her feet. She lit up with a smile the size of all outdoors when she spotted him.

"Oh, hey...Sorry it took me so long," he mumbled, trying to be polite, after all, she seemed like a nice enough person. And she had saved him from two hours of hell, that had to count for something. "I figured you'd be sitting with your friends."

"I was...but I was afraid you wouldn't be able to find me. So anyway, come on." She took ahold of his hand & led him down the aisle, practically dragging him to where her friends were sitting. He smiled at them & they giggled back as he took his seat on the end with Charlotte on his right.

He was pleasantly surprised Charlotte didn't try to chit-chat at all during the movie, all she did was grab him a few times when something blew up, which he found to be kind of funny. He offered her popcorn a few times, which she politely refused with a whisper of 'no thank you' in his ear. So he ate his popcorn, watched a whole bunch of shit explode & let Charlotte grab his arm. Overall, not a terrible experience, all things considered.

When the movie ended, they filed out behind Charlotte's friends who suddenly disappeared into the crowd. Murphy saw Connor waiting for him in the lobby, pacing, and he turned toward Charlotte to say a polite goodbye. "Well...thanks for asking me to watch the movie with you & your friends. I had fun."

She had a strange little smile on her face & she kept her eyes locked on his. "Me too. I'm glad you sat with me. I hope I didn't bruise your arm."

Murphy grinned, flexing his bicep in the air with a flourish. "Nah, I'm tougher than I look."

Charlotte giggled & her hand went to his arm, squeezing his muscle. "I can tell."

He suddenly dropped his arm & motioned over his shoulder, "There's my brother over there, I better get going."

Charlotte nodded, "I'd love to meet him."

Murphy glanced at Connor & then back at Charlotte, his hand running through his hair. "Ummm...maybe some other time, okay?"

"Okay, maybe next time."

He nodded & mumbled another 'thanks' and slowly walked away while she watched him.

"Geez, Murph, I was wondering where you were," Connor mumbled when Murphy finally joined him. Connor caught sight of Charlotte watching his twin & he smirked, motioning at the same time. "Is that the girl you were with? The one staring at you?"

Murphy nodded, staring at Connor as he checked out Charlotte. "She's cute, Murph. 'Course no one will ever be good enough for you. No one but me, that is."

Murphy's eyes lit up, what was Connor saying? There's only one person Murphy wanted, only one. But he couldn't have him, not in the way he wanted, not being brothers and all. But still...what Connor just said...Murphy felt a spark of hope deep in his heart, a surge of electricity that went through to his soul. Did he mean it the way it sounded? Is it possible?

Then Connor looked at him, square in the eyes and smiled one of his special smiles meant only for Murphy & the world faded away into a labyrinth of colors, time seemed to slow down. Before Murphy could even breathe and ask what he had meant, Connor wrapped his arm around his shoulders & pulled him out the door where Katie was waiting.


	4. Morning

**A/N: **Masturbation warning for this chapter. Explicit content warning.

* * *

Murphy woke up first that Saturday morning. He loved when he woke up first, it happened so infrequently, but when it did happen, it felt like a gift from the angels. Today when he opened his eyes, he was greeted with Connor's sleeping face in the next bed and he felt a wave of pure bliss course through his body. He could gaze at his twin with unabashed love, he didn't have to be careful, there was no one that would see, he could just look at the face that he loved more than life itself and not have to hide his feelings.

Murphy was lying on his stomach & as he stared at his brother he smiled, wondering what Connor was dreaming about. Murphy couldn't help but hope that maybe, _just maybe_, Connor was dreaming about him right now. Connor's face was completely relaxed but there was a slight smile on his lips & Murphy couldn't help but think that Connor looked happy. Murphy ran his eyes over his features, taking inventory. Connor had the best face, and Murphy loved his lips the most, they were full & just perfect. He had felt those lips before, but not in the way he wanted. Those lips had pressed against his forehead and his cheek countless times but only rarely had they pressed against his mouth. And only for the briefest of moments, not even long enough for Murphy to taste Connor on his lips.

And Murphy wanted to know what Connor tasted like. He dreamt of it.

Murphy's mind drifted to the night before, to what Connor had said to him, "'No one will ever be good enough for you. No one but me, that is." No one but _him?_ He still didn't know why Connor had said that, or what it meant. He knew what he wanted it to mean, what he hoped & prayed for every night at the foot of his bed, but he was completely baffled. He was afraid to ask what he meant, he had spent the night pretending that Connor wanted him, wanted him like a lover would want him. And he didn't want that dream to end. Not yet, anyway.

Then Connor shifted, the sheet moving further down his bare chest & Murphy's eyes traveled over his hard body, his hard nipples, his six pack abs. Murphy often slept in the same bed with Connor, they'd been doing that their whole lives, and he knew how those arms felt wrapped around his body. He knew how that chest felt against his cheek, under his hand, against his back. He knew how that body felt pressed against his.

_Shit, stop it Murph, just fucking stop it. _

Murphy shifted uncomfortably in his bed, he felt himself rapidly growing harder, his growing bulge pressing into the mattress almost painfully. He almost let his hand drift between his legs, he wanted to wank off more than anything but Connor could wake up at any moment & they had an understanding between them...no wanking when the other one was either awake or could see. And if Connor woke, he'd see. _Fuck. _

He knew he could go into the bathroom & take care of the growing ache between his legs but then he'd have to stop looking at Connor. And he wasn't ready to stop looking at Connor. Murphy almost chuckled at the irony. He was hard because of Connor but he couldn't wank off because of Connor.

Another shift from the next bed & the sheet traveled further south & Murphy could see the patch of hair between Connor's legs. His eyes widened, Connor didn't usually sleep nude but he must have last night. The sheet clung between his legs & Murphy could just make out the outline of Connor's fat prick.

Murphy shifted in his own bed, trying not to rut into the mattress, trying to find some sort of relief for his aching cock. But with every movement, even the tiniest shift, his cock rubbed harder against the mattress causing him to bite his lip to prevent a moan from escaping. _FUCK, he wanted to wank._ He forced his eyes back to Connor's face, his hands fisting his sheets to prevent any form of pulling or stroking. He focused on Connor's face, on Connor's nose, on Connor's mouth..._oh sweet Jesus, that mouth...FUCK! _

He took a deep breath, thinking he should close his eyes to clear his head but he knew that wouldn't do the trick, Connor was imbedded in his mind, in his soul.

Murphy lifted his hips from the mattress, trying to find some sort of relief, but no relief was found, the growing ache between his legs seemed to amplify with every passing second. He lowered himself back to the mattress & he just couldn't help himself, he didn't mean to, it just sort of happened.

He rutted against the mattress a half dozen times, his hips jerking as he pushed his hardness along the mattress, his bed squeaking louder than he expected as his hips grinded. A few tiny panting sounds escaped from between his lips at the wave of pleasure he felt...he wanted more, he _needed _more.

He froze, trying to regain some composure, his eyes still on Connor's beautiful face as the sun began to hit his skin. Murphy's eyes drifted back to his lips, imagining those lips on his lips, on his neck, on his cock. He began to grind his hips again, slowly at first, knowing he shouldn't do this with Connor right there but as the pleasure began to take over, his rutting grew more frenzied & he just couldn't stop, it felt so fucking good. He could feel himself beginning to sweat, his hair damp & sticking to his forehead & neck while tiny drops of sweat formed across his bare back, causing the sheet to stick to his body.

He kept his eyes on his brother as his hand moved to his cock, pulling it out of his boxers & fisting himself as his hips thrust his hardness in his own hand. The bed squeaked loudly with every hip thrust & he hoped it wouldn't wake Connor, but the friction felt so amazing that he just couldn't stop, no matter how loud the bed creaked. His breathing sounded loud in his own ears & he pushed his mouth into his pillow to stifle his moaning, biting into the material, as his eyes gazed at the beautiful image of his brother bathed in sunlight. Connor looked like an angel, a beautiful, perfect angel. Murphy's angel.

After a few dozen pumps of his hips, Murphy came in his hand, thick strings of cum spurting beneath him, coating his hand, stomach & sheet. He had tried to keep his eyes open, tried to keep looking at the most perfect creature God had ever created, but his eyes had clamped shut of their own volition when his orgasm began.

He collapsed on the bed, not even caring that he was lying in his own cum, and he reopened his eyes as his breathing began to return to normal, smiling at what had made his orgasm so intense, his incredible Connor. He reached up & wiped his hand on the corner of the sheet just as Connor stretched & opened his eyes, searching for Murphy in the next bed.

Murphy jerked his hand from the edge of the sheet, hoping Connor didn't notice the sticky mess he had just wiped there. Connor was eyeing him carefully, his gaze searching his face, his eyes darting to his hair & down his back. Murphy tried his best to look innocent, like he hadn't just done what he had just done.

Suddenly Connor was on his feet and at Murphy's bedside, apparently not caring that he was completely nude and standing directly in front of his brother, his cock practically in his face. He stood looking down at him & Murphy felt a wave of panic, his blood suddenly ran cold. Oh shit...did Connor know he had just wanked off while staring at him?

Murphy looked up over his shoulder at his brother, being careful not to even look at the incredible prick dangling directly in front of him.

"What?" he quietly asked, keeping his voice as steady as he could.

"Why're you all sweaty?"

"Ummmm."

"Ummm is not an answer, Murph. Why're you so sweaty?"

"Dunno, I'm just hot I guess."

Connor reached out & pushed Murphy's damp hair off his forehead, pressing his palm to his skin. "Do you feel sick at all?"

"I'm fine, Conn, honest. I'm just a little hot, that's all."

Connor moved his hand from Murphy's forehead to his cheek, pressing the back of his fingers against his skin before moving his hand slowly away. "I don't think you have a fever but you're so sweaty, even your back is wet, Murph. You sure you feel all right?"

"Aye, right as rain, Conn. I promise."

Connor nodded his head slowly, not sure if he believed his twin or not, his eyes searching his brother's baby blues for any deceit. Murphy shifted in his bed under his brother's scrutiny, not daring to sit up or even roll over, lest Connor see the mess he was lying in, the mess he had pumped from his own body just a few minutes ago, the mess that was drying on his stomach & the front of his boxers.

Connor saw something in his brother's eyes but wasn't exactly sure what it was & he stared at him for a few more moments, trying to figure it out. Murphy hated when Connor looked at him like that, like he was only a heartbeat away from knowing his darkest secrets, the secrets he barely admitted to having.

"Are ya gonna stand there & stare at me all day, Conn?"

"No...are ya gonna lay there in bed all day, Murph?"

"No...maybe just a bit longer, s'all. I'm really comfortable right now. You can shower first, I'll just lay here until you're done."

Murphy dropped his head back on his pillow, trying to appear as if he was comfortable when all he wanted was to roll off his sticky mess & clean himself. He felt dirty & gross but he'd lie there unmoving all day if he had to, just as long as Connor didn't know.

"You sure you're okay, Murph?"

"Fuck, Conn, you're worse than Ma."

Connor snorted at the slight insult, moving slowly away from his twin but keeping his eyes on him. Murphy closed his eyes, knowing Connor was watching him closely & he tried to appear as if he was falling back asleep. He heard Connor shifting around the room before feeling Connor's presence next to his bed once again. After a moment, Murphy felt Connor's fingers in his hair, gently petting his locks, his fingers lacing through his dark strands. "Don't forget I'm cutting your hair today, Murph."

"Mmm-hmm," Murphy quietly moaned, he loved when Connor played with his hair, it was not only loving, it was sensual...at least to Murphy.

Connor chuckled quietly, "Just don't forget."

"Mmm-mmmm," another Murphy mumble.

Then the hair stroking stopped, much to Murphy's dismay, but Connor didn't move away, he stood there for another minute, unmoving. Murphy slowly opened his eyes & looked up at Connor who was smiling down at him.

Connor placed his hand on the back of Murphy's head & leaned down, gently kissing his hair before quietly padding off to the bathroom, shutting the door with barely a peep. When Murphy heard the shower start, he finally sat up & began to clean himself with his sheet, his mind on what Connor had just done.

Murphy felt content, he felt happy, he felt loved. And he wouldn't do anything to ruin that. He'd push down his feelings, he'd hide his desires, his lust. He had to. He just hoped he could actually do it.


	5. Tease

Murphy entered the kitchen to the intoxicating smell of bacon. Connor was at the stove, looking ridiculous in Ma's apron, flipping eggs carefully so as not to break the yolks. Connor preferred scrambled eggs but Murphy liked his eggs fried, over easy, so that's the way Connor made them.

"Get the plates, Murph," he instructed without even looking up, "breakfast is almost ready."

Murphy quickly obeyed his brother, pulling the chipped dishes from the cupboard. Connor turned off the stove & they began to work in tandem, each instinctively knowing where the other was, what the other was doing. Murphy held a plate out & Connor slid eggs & bacon onto it, not missing a beat. Their timing was perfect as they passed items without even looking...butter, jam, salt, toast. Murphy got glasses from the cupboard, Connor got milk from the refrigerator, chocolate for Murph, plain for himself.

A soft prayer, a delicious meal and twenty minutes later, both boys were full. They were talking quietly about nothing in particular when their Ma finally stumbled from her bedroom, wearing her ratty housecoat, her hair in curlers, a scowl on her face from her obvious hangover. She glanced at the boys before moving into the living room, mumbling something about coffee.

Connor made the coffee & Murphy got the cup, putting a teaspoon of sugar into it before Connor poured the dark brew over the top. Connor stopped Murphy before he left, quickly wiping the milk from his upper lip and as Murphy moved to the living room, Connor began to clean the kitchen, trying to keep as quiet as possible.

"Ma?"

She opened her eyes, reaching for the cup. "About time. And you better make sure that kitchen is cleaned proper or it'll be both your asses."

"Yes, Ma."

"Give me my cigarettes," she commanded before he could walk away & he quickly passed them to his mother, watching as she lit one & inhaled deeply. "Connor tells me he's cutting your hair today."

"Yes, Ma."

"'Bout time, you're starting to look like a little girl," she inhaled the cigarette smoke again, watching him for a reaction but when she got none, she leaned forward & pointed her finger at him. "Just make sure he cuts it short enough, I won't have people thinking one of my twins is a girl. I won't stand for that, Murphy."

Murphy knew he didn't look like a girl but he wasn't about to argue with his mother, not in the mood she was in. So instead, he responded quietly, "Yes, Ma."

She leaned back in her seat & lifted the cup to her lips, taking a long drink while she kept her eyes on her youngest child. Murphy shifted on his feet, feeling more nervous, more anxious under his mother's evaluation. He practically jumped when Connor said over his shoulder, "Ma? I need Murphy to help me clean up."

She nodded, "All right. Go help your brother." And Murphy practically ran from the living room, almost knocking down his twin in the process.

"Connor?" she said & he paused. "Cut his hair outside, I don't want a bunch of hair all over the kitchen."

Connor nodded in response, "Of course, Ma."

Connor dragged the kitchen chair out the door, not pausing at the porch, not pausing at the bottom of the stairs, not pausing until he was under the oak tree deep in the backyard. Murphy followed quietly behind his brother, his hands full of what Connor called 'the tools of the hair trade,' scissors, comb, brush, a large water bottle with a spray top & a towel. They only slowed when they crossed the gravel in the driveway, careful due to their bare feet which were now being tickled by the soft grass under the tree.

"Why're we way out here? Why can't ya cut my hair in the house?"

"'Cause Ma is home & she'll be pissed at us if I cut it inside."

"You mean she'll be pissed at _me,_" Murphy quietly mumbled.

"She's in a bad mood today so let's not rile her up, aye? Besides, it's a nice day & it'll do you good to get some fresh air."

"I guess."

Connor patted the seat of the chair, "Park it, Murph."

Without hesitation, Murphy sat in the seat and Connor took the items from his hands, placing them gently on the grass next to the chair. Connor leaned over his twin & began to pull at his t-shirt, yanking it up.

"What're you doing?" Murphy grumbled, pulling away in surprise.

"Taking your shirt off. I need to get your hair wet and you know your shirt always gets wet in the process. I don't want you sitting in the shade in a wet shirt."

"I can do it, Connor."

Connor stepped back, crossing his arms across his chest & raising his eyebrow. "Fine. Strip for me, Murph."

Murphy froze, his shirt halfway up his chest, his stomach exposed. His eyes were wide & staring at Connor, unblinking.

Connor smirked, "Come on...you said you could do it. Strip."

Murphy quickly recovered, rolled his eyes & pulled his shirt over his head, "You're an ass," he mumbled as he tossed his shirt at his brother.

Connor easily caught the shirt & tossed it onto the grass, leaning toward his twin with a shake of his finger. "You're just lucky I don't make ya take off your pants."

"No, Connor, _you're _lucky," Murphy retorted, knowing Connor wouldn't catch the double entendre.

"Don't get sassy with me, Murph, or I really will make ya strip further. I might be wanting you naked when I cut your hair."

"You first."

Connor laughed out loud, "You think I won't? My dear brother, you know I will."

After a beat, Connor quickly pulled his shirt off & tossed it onto the grass next to Murphy's. He followed this with a slow unfastening of his belt, pulling it slowly from the loops of his pants & tossing it onto his shirt. His eyes were glued to Murphy's in a challenge as he undid the top button on his jeans and then slowly unzipped. Connor's jeans were open, his green boxers on display as he stood before his twin with a smirk on his face.

"Big deal, Connor."

"I'm waiting."

Murphy's eyes darted down to Connor's jeans, he didn't mean to do it, it just happened. His eyes froze, staring, he couldn't look away.

"Yup, I'm unzipped Murph. Your turn."

Murphy shifted in his seat, finally looking to the side, away from the bulge in Connor's jeans. His eyes had remained glued to Connor's crotch for too long, he shouldn't have looked at all, Connor had to have noticed. He could feel the blush on his face deepening & spreading.

"Come on, I'm waiting. Start with the belt, nice and slow."

Murphy didn't know what to do, he was afraid if he looked at his twin, he'd start to get hard again and he couldn't let that happen, not here, not now, not right in front of Connor.

"Fine. I'll take the next step." And out of the corner of his eye, Murphy saw Connor drop his pants & kick them to the side. Connor placed his hands on his hips for a moment, "You said me first and I went first. It's your turn, Murph. Don't leave me hanging."

Murphy stood up slowly, still not knowing what he was going to do. He started to chew his lip as he considered his options.

Maybe he'd tell Connor how he felt. No, he'd already promised himself that he'd push his feelings down, hide how he felt. He'd be a good brother, not some pervert lusting after his twin.

Maybe he'd walk away. No, he'd never be able to walk away from Connor, not ever.

Maybe he'd just suck it up & drop his pants. No, he didn't have the guts to do that, not under these conditions.

"For Christ sake, Murph." Then Connor's fingers were on his belt, undoing it & pulling it from his waist. He tossed it on the grass & he grabbed the front waistband of Murphy's jeans, roughly pulling him closer, causing Murphy's eyes to shoot to Connor's.

Connor smiled, whispering, "Show me what you got." Then Murphy's pants were unbuttoned, unzipped & sliding down his thighs, bunching at his ankles. Murphy couldn't believe what was happening, Connor was stripping him, he had to be dreaming, that was it, this was a dream...a beautiful, perfect dream.

Then Connor dropped to his knees & took Murphy's leg in his hand, lifting it & pushing his jeans away. He moved to the other leg & repeated this before tossing the pants onto his own.

Connor looked up at Murphy and Murphy felt his breath hitch. Connor was right there, directly in front of him, directly in front of _it, _on his fucking knees with only Murphy's thin boxers separating him from his brother. Murphy held his breath, waiting to see what Connor had in mind...hoping he would do what Murphy had been wishing for, hoping for, praying for. _God, please_.

"Was that so fucking hard?" Connor loudly asked.

No, not yet, but there was certainly potential.

"Conn..." Murphy breathed out, not able to look away from his kneeling twin. He could feel his breathing growing heavier, like his breath was hot, and his tongue slid across his suddenly dry lips. Connor looked beautiful on his knees gazing up at him with a slight smile, he wanted Connor to take him in his mouth, he wanted to see his prick slide between those perfect lips, he wanted Connor to make him cum. If only Connor would say something, if only Connor would do something, if only Connor would touch something. As he held Connor's gaze, he could feel his erection start to grow between his legs and a moan began to build deep in his chest.

Connor stood up, smiling gently. "Relax, Murph, just take it easy. I won't make ya get naked, we wouldn't want to scare the neighbors with that white ass of yours."

Murphy nodded slowly, his eyes dropping to the ground, his lip almost bleeding from where he had begun to bite it again. He could feel himself shaking & he felt like he was about to panic. He had come so close to moaning his brother's name, he almost did it, he almost slipped. His mind was yelling at his dick to calm the fuck down, quit rising to attention, soften up, soften up, just fucking soften up.

"I didn't upset you, did I Murph? Hey...I was only teasing. Are you okay?"

Murphy grinned & nodded as he looked back at his brother. Connor was only teasing, he hadn't meant any of it, not one bit. Murphy felt his eyes begin to water, he was such a fucking idiot, of course Connor was only teasing him, trying to have some fun, of course.

"Murph...shit, I'm sorry. Honest, I was only playing around."

"S'okay, Conn." Murphy knew Connor was confused, he knew he didn't understand why he was upset, he had no idea how tortured Murphy was.

"I didn't mean to upset you. You know that, right?"

Another nod, "I know. It's okay, I'm fine." Murphy blinked away his tears, he didn't like how Connor was looking at him, like he felt sorry for him or something. Murphy preferred how Connor looked at him when he was just 'playing around,' when he was on his knees in front of him, when Murphy could pretend that Connor wanted to please him, to be with him, maybe even fuck him. But to Connor, it had just been a game, nothing more.

Murphy took a deep breath, thankful that the tears hadn't fallen while at the same time, hoping his dick would quickly soften. Connor hadn't yet noticed that he had begun to pitch a tent in his boxers, Connor's concerned eyes had remained glued to his brother's face, seeking out assurance that he really was all right.

Connor placed his hand gently on Murphy's shoulder & gave a hard squeeze.

"Sorry, Conn. I don't know why I'm so upset."

"I know why."

"You—you know why?" Shit.

"Yeah, Murph, and it's okay, I understand...it's your time of the month, aye?"

There was a pause & then Murphy laughed out loud, no matter what, Connor could make him laugh. No matter what. "Fuck you."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Yes, Murphy thought, I'd love that. But Murphy wouldn't act on it. Connor didn't want him in _that way,_ not now & probably not ever. Murphy remembered his promise he made himself just a couple hours before, he'd be a good brother, he wouldn't lust after Connor, he'd hide his feelings. This was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever done.

"Murphy MacManus!" Their Ma's yell echoed across the yard as she stomped across the grass toward the twins, her eyes accusing.

_Oh, Fuck._


	6. Busted

**A/N: **This is a short chapter but it seemed to naturally end where it did, so I let it be. The next chapter will continue with the haircut and be much longer.

* * *

Murphy took a step back from his charging mother, turning his body away, hoping she wouldn't notice what was going on in his boxers. Connor hadn't noticed, maybe Murphy would be lucky & she wouldn't notice either.

As she reached the twins, she roared, "I was just in your room, young man!"

Their Ma rarely went in their room, she always said she wanted to respect their privacy, but in reality, she just couldn't stand the mess that 2 boys made.

"What'd you do that for?" Murphy questioned with large eyes, fearful of what she might have seen, what she might have found. There were a lot of things he didn't want her to see and any one of those things would get him in trouble.

"I told you to bring down the glass when you were done drinking that chocolate milk you love so much. I knew you'd leave it in your room & there it was, on your dresser, milk dried at the bottom."

Murphy sighed in relief. His glass. She was mad about the glass in his room. "I forgot. I'm sorry...I'll wash it, Ma."

She crossed her arms, glaring at him. "That's not what I'm upset about. I won't have you defiling yourself in my house, young man. I told you how I feel about you touching yourself and I won't tolerate having a _filthy_ little pervert for a son."

Connor's head turned to look at his brother, confusion spreading across his face. _Murphy?_ _A filthy little pervert_? _No way, not Murph_. His brother was a lot of things...stubborn, emotional, a pain in the ass...but Murphy certainly wasn't a pervert. Connor knew this for a fact.

Murphy hung his head & stared at the ground, wishing it would open up & swallow him then and there. He knew what she had seen, she saw his sheets. He hadn't had time to change his bed before Connor was done in the shower and he couldn't think of a reason to change his sheets that Connor would believe. So he had thrown a blanket over his bed, planning to change his sheets later when Connor was busy doing something else. Murphy still had to do the wash for the week so it would have been easy to sneak the linen in with the wash & no one would have known. Until his Ma had gone snooping.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."

He reluctantly lifted his eyes to hers, looking at her through his dark, shaggy hair as she hissed, "You go and get those sheets off your bed & you wash them right now."

"Yes, Ma," Murphy quietly mumbled & he began to move toward the house.

"Put your pants on first, Murphy," she instructed & Murphy immediately turned & grabbed his pants off the grass, quickly pulling them on before making a beeline for the house.

His mother's voice trailed after him, "If I so much as see any more of those stains on your linen, I'll whip you six ways to Sunday, Murphy, so help me God, I'll do it."

Murphy stomped into the house, slamming the door. He wanted to fucking die. His ma had ruined everything, she just had to embarrass him in front of his twin. Now Connor knew he had wanked in bed, he probably even knew he had done it with Connor right there. Murphy was totally fucked. He had to think of a way to explain it to Connor so it didn't sound so bad.

He quickly stripped his bed & stomped down the stairs to the wash room, throwing his sheets in the washer, quickly adding detergent & turning the machine on.

"Add bleach to the wash, Murphy," Ma instructed from behind him. "And use hot water."

Murphy didn't look up, he grabbed the bleach container & poured some into the machine before readjusting the dial to 'hot.'

He heard his mother sigh from behind him, her anger now dissipated. "We'll talk more later about what you did. Go and get your hair cut. Connor is waiting for you."

Murphy quickly moved past her, not looking up from the floor & he went outside, pausing on the porch & looking toward the oak tree for his twin. Connor had completely redressed & was sitting in the chair, picking at his fingernails while he waited.

He felt Murphy's presence across the yard & looked up, meeting his eyes & smiling. Murphy dropped his eyes immediately, he didn't think he'd ever be able to look Connor in the eye again, and he didn't know why Connor was smiling, there was nothing to smile about, at least as far as Murphy was concerned.

Murphy thought about turning around & hiding in his room, but he'd have to walk past Ma to get there. He thought about leaving, just getting the fuck out of there, but he wasn't wearing shoes & he wouldn't get far on the gravel road in bare feet. Either way, Connor would follow him so what was the point.

He glanced back at Connor who was patiently waiting & Murphy slowly began to walk toward him. Might as well get it over with, he just wished he had thought of a way to explain things so that Connor wouldn't think he was a pig.

They stood together, face to face, Connor staring at Murphy, Murphy staring at the grass. Neither boy said anything, each waiting for the other to begin and Murphy realized he needed to be the one to start.

"Look, Conn...why don't we forget the haircut, okay? I'm sure you really don't feel like touching me right now." In fact, he was certain Connor would never touch him again, least of all his hair.

"Knock it off, Murph. I'm cutting your hair & that's all there is to it."

Murphy still didn't know what to say, how to explain, what he could do to make it better. He still wanted to die.

"Murph," Connor began quietly, leaning forward. "Look at me. Come on, look at Connor."

Murphy took a deep breath & lifted his eyes to the gentle gaze of his brother, seeing understanding & love reflected in those eyes. There was a warmth that practically flowed between them and it warmed Murphy to his core.

"You think you're the only one to play with yourself? _You're not. _Look...you can't be wiping it off on your sheets, Murph. If you do it in your bed, wipe it on your boxers, Ma expects it there, she'll think you did it in your sleep. Or do it in the shower, like I do."

Murphy furrowed his brow, "You're not mad at me?"

Connor scoffed, "Why would I be mad? You wanked in your bed. Big fucking deal."

"But—I—I just—I," Murphy swallowed loudly, composing himself. "You're really not mad? Or grossed out?"

"No, I'm really not mad. And I'm not grossed out. It's not like you wiped your cum on _my_ sheets, Murph. Wait...you didn't do that, did you?"

Before Murphy could answer, Connor quickly said, "Never mind, forget I asked. I know you wouldn't do that."

"Of course not, Connor."

Connor nodded, continuing "Look, I don't give a fuck what Ma says, s'not a big deal. I wank too. All the time. But you know Ma freaks out about that stuff so just be smart about it next time...think before you pull it. All right?"

Murphy nodded, happy once again. Connor wasn't mad, not in the least, he was actually pretty cool about the entire thing, cooler than Murphy would have ever dreamed possible. Murphy returned Connor's smile, he never felt so relieved in his life.

Connor motioned to the chair, "I still want to get my hands on your hair, you know. I'm ready anytime you are. That is, if you still want me to cut your hair."

Murphy nodded & moved to the chair, sitting down & looking up at his brother, his eyes wide & full of nothing but love. "I want," he quietly said.

"Then I'll cut it for you. You trust me, right?" Connor quietly asked.

"I trust you with my life, Conn."

And he did.


	7. Haircut

"Okay, Murph. You ready for me?" Connor quietly said from behind Murphy, his breath tickling his ear as he spoke. Murphy couldn't help the small shiver that ran up his spine, he tried to suppress it but with Connors mouth that close to his ear, his response was involuntary. "I've been dying to get my hands in your hair."

"Go for it," Murphy quietly responded, eager with anticipation, barely able to sit still. "Just be gentle with me, aye?"

"I make no promises."

Connor picked up the brush from the grass & he began to run it through Murphy's thick dark hair, his fingers carefully untangling any knots he found along the way. Murphy sat as still as he could as Connor worked to tame his wild locks, his only movement the gentle bouncing of his leg up & down as he concentrated on the feel of the fingers in his hair, the gentle way they moved, the way they practically played with his strands before the brush would replace his fingers.

"Ya know...you have the best hair, Murph."

Murphy scowled, what the fuck was Connor talking about? His hair stuck up all the time, it grew too fucking fast & it wasn't blonde, like Connor's. The only thing Murphy liked about his hair was that, right now, Connor's fingers were in it.

Connor looked at his brother's face from over his shoulder, smiling at the scowl he saw. "I know you don't believe me but it's true. The color is this deep, almost auburn shade, and it makes your eyes look so blue, just like the ocean. And you know how much I love the ocean."

Murphy could feel a blush begin, he couldn't believe it...Connor noticed his eyes again.

Connor dropped the brush to the grass, his fingers running through Murphy's hair, massaging his scalp. It was always the same routine with Connor, he'd brush Murph's hair first to get all the tangles out before moving on to a scalp massage. Murphy loved how consistent his twin was, especially when he reaped the benefit.

Connor had amazing fingers, gentle but firm at the same time, his nails lightly scratching Murphy's scalp as they raked through his hair. Murphy swore Connor's fingers lingered in his hair longer than they should have, almost as if he lost himself in what he was doing as much as Murphy was lost himself. Murphy bit his lip...shit, he fucking loved those fingers in his hair, he couldn't get enough of the sensations that Connor was giving him, the warmth he felt in his stomach, the goose bumps that were forming on his skin, the shivers that ran up his spine when Conn's fingers softly grazed the tips of his ears.

"Are those goose bumps I see?" Connor chuckled, his hands pausing at the base of Murphy's neck before he pushed his fingers deep into his hair once again, moving his hands upward, gently pulling Murphy's hair between his fingers.

"Can't help it," Murphy mumbled, becoming slightly self-conscious. What if Connor thought it was weird? Or stupid? Or worse, what if he stopped because of it?

But Connor didn't stop. On the contrary, he intensified what he was doing to his brother, his fingers moving just a bit quicker, firmer, bolder. His nails scratched a bit deeper into his scalp before his fingers ran over Murphy's ears once again, lingering a moment on his earlobes, tickling them. Murphy shivered again in response before Connor's fingers again traveled through his hair, practically stroking it.

"Shit, Murph, your hair's so fucking soft, it's just like silk. I love how it feels."

"You do?"

"Can't you tell?"

"I guess." Murphy shrugged in response, he thought he had just been fooling himself, thinking Connor liked something more than just his eyes. But Connor liked how his hair felt, he said so, maybe Murphy wasn't crazy after all.

"Soft as silk, Murph."

Murphy still thought he had stupid hair, no matter how soft Connor said it was. Stupid & practically uncontrollable. "Big deal, Conn. So it's soft, s'not like it ever looks good though."

Connor shook his head slightly at his twins response, he really didn't understand why Murphy sometimes put himself down. It always bothered Connor when his brother couldn't see himself through his eyes, he couldn't see just how amazing he actually was.

Connor's touch became gentle, soothing, his fingers slowing to a more leisurely pace & Murphy recognized that Connor was almost ready to move on. Murphy always felt a bit melancholy when this happened, knowing that too soon Connor's fingers would leave his hair, and Murphy would be left wanting more. Just like always.

"Your hair looks good, Murph."

"It sticks up, Connor."

"Not all the time."

Murphy again scoffed, "No, just _most _of the time."

Then Connor's hands were suddenly gone & Murphy sighed loudly without even realizing he did so. Connor heard though, not realizing that Murphy was sighing at the loss of Connor's touch, not at how he thought his hair looked.

Connor picked up the brush & he quickly began to run it through Murphy's hair in long strokes, his hand following the brush & smoothing the dark strands. "I think it's cute the way it sometimes sticks up, especially in the morning. In fact, I like that about your hair, it does whatever the fuck it wants. Kind of like you, Murph."

Murphy shook his head, if he did whatever the fuck he wanted, he'd be doing Connor.

A cold wet spray of water suddenly hit Murphy in the face, followed by the loud cackle of his asshole brother. Before Murphy could recover, a second spritz hit his cheeks, followed by a more subdued laugh.

"Sorry, Murph, the spray bottle got away from me a bit."

Before Murphy could retaliate, Connor began to pump the spray bottle with his finger, now wetting Murphy's hair, water dripping onto his shoulders. Connor dropped the bottle to the ground & picked up the towel, wiping Murphy's shoulders & then his face before picking up the comb & scissors.

"All right now, my dear Murphy. I'm gonna cut your hair and make you so attractive that all the girls will go crazy for you. They'll probably even push me aside just to get to you."

"Pretty sure that won't happen, Connor." He smirked at his own private joke, he was more than sure that wouldn't happen, girls just didn't seem to like him much. It's almost like they could tell he was different, like they knew instinctively that he wasn't interested, maybe even on some level they somehow knew he liked boys. Well...at least one boy in particular.

Connor had moved to stand in front of Murphy, reaching forward to comb his wet hair to the side out of his eyes. "With those eyes of yours Murph, combined with this great haircut you're getting, you can't lose. Trust me, any girl you want will be putty in your hands."

That was just it, though. Murphy didn't want a girl, not a single one. He knew who he wanted, he was looking right at him this very second. Murphy didn't respond to Connor's comment, he couldn't, he was too busy thinking of putty in the form of Connor...in his hands.

"Earth to Murph, come in Murph," Connor had begun to snip at Murphy's hair carefully in small amounts, not taking too much off at first, trying to keep it even. "You're thinking of someone special, aren't ya?"

Murphy looked carefully at his brother, watching him for any sign of realization, but Connor's eyes were now on his task at hand, snipping away with the scissors, carefully working around his ear.

"Maybe," Murphy said quietly, not saying what he really wanted to say, 'Yes, I'm thinking of someone special. It's you, Connor. Always _you.' _

"Charlotte, right?"

"Who?"

Connor straightened up & cocked his head, now looking directly at his brother. "Don't jerk me around, Murph. I know her name is Charlotte."

Murphy's mind was still preoccupied with impure thoughts of his brother & when he was thinking of Connor, his mind didn't seem to work at all. Murphy struggled to put the pieces together. Charlotte...from the movies...the girl who had been so nice to him. Oh yeah, Charlotte. Then Murphy chuckled, Connor thought he was thinking of Charlotte? Not even close...not unless Connor changed his name to Charlotte, that is.

"What's so fucking funny?"

"Nothin', Connor. Just forget it."

Connor moved to the back of his brother, working to trim the back and top of his hair, scissors moving in tandem with the comb that he was now running through his hair. Connor paused to rewet his twins hair, spritzing it just enough to continue, before the snipping began once again, Connor again trimming around Murphy's ears.

"I don't see why you're all embarrassed, Murph. Charlotte is a pretty girl and I'm telling you, the way she was staring at you, she'd go out with you in a heartbeat."

"Maybe I don't want to go out with _her_, didja ever think of that?"

"Why the fuck not?"

Murphy shrugged, what could he say that would explain to Connor without giving away too much? "She's just not my type, that's all." Lame answer, but one that Murphy hoped Connor would accept.

But of course, Connor didn't buy it. "Not your type? She's pretty, she's breathing and she has the hots for you. That makes her your type, Murph."

"I just don't like her like that. She's nice and all, but like I said, she's just not my type."

There was a pause before Connor quietly asked, "So who's your type, then?"

Murphy shrugged, he knew Connor would continue to press him on this, he always pushed when he felt Murphy was holding back. And Murphy was holding back big time. He had to.

"Come on, Murph, tell me. What do you like?"

He bit his tongue so he wouldn't say '_I like you.'_ It was right there on the tip of his tongue, ready to be said. He wanted to say it so badly but instead he mumbled, "I like blondes."

Connor chuckled, starting to become amused by the situation, Murphy was turning redder by the minute. "Blondes, huh? What else?"

"Blue eyes."

"I see. So...blonde hair, blue eyes...go on."

Murphy shrugged, knowing Connor wouldn't stop until he got more information. Connor could be like a dog with a bone, he wouldn't let it go until he was done. And he wasn't done. Murphy was trapped, Connor hadn't finished with his hair yet, Murphy couldn't just get up & leave...he'd have to say more.

Murphy thought of Connor and the millions of things he found attractive in his brother. He could list them all, he knew them by heart, they were burned in his memory. But he also knew he had to be vague, he couldn't let Connor know who he was thinking about. "I guess I like a nice mouth."

"You guess?"

Murphy sighed, "Fine...I like a nice mouth."

"Me too. I like soft lips, makes me want to kiss them."

Murphy nodded, hoping the conversation would move to something else, _anything_ else. He needed to stop thinking of Connor and his mouth. And kissing that mouth. This conversation was getting far too dangerous.

But Connor wasn't done yet. "Let's see what we have so far. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a sexy mouth. Sounds pretty good so far. Do you like them short or tall?"

"Tall."

Connor laughed, "You want to climb a sexy tall blonde, don't cha?"

Murphy didn't answer, Connor had hit the nail on the head but Murphy didn't dare respond. Connor gently patted his shoulder, his touch so soft that Murphy barely felt it. "Don't be embarrassed, Murph. I never saw you with anyone before & I guess I'm just curious about what you like. I'd really like to hear more."

There was a silence as Connor waited for his brother to open up further. He really was curious about what Murphy found attractive, what got his motor running, he really did want to know. And ever since Murphy had discovered his love for Connor, Murphy had wanted to tell him about all the things that he found amazing in his twin but had never dared to utter out loud.

Connor opened his mouth to push a little further but before the words could leave his lips, Murphy blurted out, "I like someone who can make me laugh, someone who's funny, you know? Someone who's nice and really super smart, not like Einstein or anything, but just smart. A smile that's meant for only me, and eyes that look at me in a way that makes me melt."

Connor thought Murphy was done & he was about to comment but then Murphy quietly added, "Listening is important. And so is touching...I like to be touched. I like someone that cooks for me too, I think that's romantic. And I like someone that can just have fun & not give a shit what other people think."

Then Murphy suddenly fell silent, afraid he'd said too much, he hadn't meant to say much of anything at all but once he started talking about Connor, he couldn't stop.

"Hmmmm...Sounds like you're talking about someone in particular."

Murphy almost shit himself. If he admitted he had someone specific in mind, Connor wouldn't let up until he knew who. And Murphy certainly couldn't tell him the truth. So he lied. "No, not really. You asked what I liked and I told you."

"Aye. That you did."

"So you see? Charlotte's not my type."

"I guess not but she'd be a fine way to spend your time until that tall, blue-eyed blonde shows up to cook you a romantic meal, don't cha think?"

Murphy shrugged in relief, it sounded like Connor was dropping the subject. For now, at least.

Connor was quiet as he continued to work on Murphy's hair & Murphy could practically feel him pondering the situation, evaluating it in the way only Connor's mind worked. Murphy didn't think he'd figure it out, he couldn't, Murphy had been too careful. No, Connor had no idea who he'd been describing.

Connor had finished the back of Murphy's hair & moved again to stand in front of him, pausing to inspect his twin. "It's still too long."

"You sure? It feels a lot shorter to me."

Connor knelt in front of Murphy for the second time that day, causing Murphy to shift in his seat, what the fuck was Connor doing?

He looked so comfortable on his knees, like he belonged like that in front of Murphy. Connor tapped his finger on Murphy's knee, "Spread your legs for me."

Murphy froze. Those five words staggered him, he never, _ever_ expected to hear Connor say that to him, not in a million years. For a split second, it crossed Murphy's mind that Connor said that because he had figured out who Murphy was talking about and he wanted him. Murphy couldn't move, his eyes full of longing that he couldn't hide, so instead he looked away, he couldn't let Connor see the desire that burned in his soul.

Murphy felt another gentle tap on his knee, "Open your legs, Murph."

Shit, fucking shit, he said it again. But still, Murphy couldn't move.

Connor's hands were on his knees, pushing his thighs open gently but firmly, and Murphy didn't fight him, he let it happen. Then Connor's hands were under his knees, lifting his legs & opening them wider before placing his feet back on the grass in the gentle way Connor had. Connor scooted between Murphy's thighs, leaning forward & resting his elbows on Murphy's thighs, gazing up at him. All Murphy wanted to do was wrap his legs around Connor, he was right fucking there, it would be so easy. Maybe Connor wanted that, maybe that's why he was kneeling between his legs, maybe that's what he had in mind when he told Murphy to spread his legs.

Murphy was too scared to do what his heart told him to do. What if he was wrong? _Again?_ What if he completely misunderstood the situation? Maybe Connor was just playing around like before, trying to have fun, teasing. Murphy couldn't make a move unless he was sure that's what Connor wanted. And he wasn't sure, not at all. So instead, he sat completely still, completely unmoving, practically comatose while he waited to see what Connor did next.

Murphy could see out of the corner of his eye that Connor was staring at him and Murphy held his breath when Connor lifted his hand toward Murphy's face. But instead of him stroking his cheek, or maybe his mouth, Connor pulled at the sides of Murphy's hair.

"Told you...still too long, Murph. I need to take a little more off, okay?"

Murphy nodded in response, his voice soft & barely heard over the chirping birds in the tree above them. "O-okay."

"Unless you don't want me to."

"No, s'fine, Connor. Whatever you say."

Connor remained between Murphy's thighs & he ran the comb through his still wet hair, the scissors snipping softly as he cut more of the dark locks. Connor leaned forward, his body pressing between his thighs as he reached higher to cut Murphy's bangs but Murphy didn't dare look at him, he kept his eyes averted. Murphy could feel Connor's hot breath on his bare chest, warming the areas which were cold from his dripping hair & he fought the urge to close his eyes.

Murphy felt weak, like he'd just run a marathon, and his legs were actually shaking even though he'd been sitting for awhile. He guessed that's what lust did to a person, made them feel weak and shaky, needy and pathetic. But there was more to this situation than plain lust and Murphy knew it deep in his heart. There was love. Murphy was in love with Connor.

Murphy finally looked at his brother, smiling at the crease in his forehead, he loved that crease, he loved the way it deepened when he was concentrating on something. Connor was so close & Murphy was tempted to kiss him, just to see what Connor would do. But he knew better. As much as he liked to pretend that Connor would kiss him back, he was certain Connor would push him away. So he did nothing.

Maybe he should stop pretending...stop pretending Connor wanted him but was too afraid to act on it. Stop pretending Connor dreamt of loving him in the same way Murphy dreamt about Connor. Stop pretending that one day Connor would tell him he was in love with him, take him in his arms and kiss him until he couldn't think straight. Stop pretending period.

As Connor brushed the loose hair from his chest & thighs, Murphy knew he couldn't stop pretending. Not with being this close to Connor every day and not with being so desperately in love with him.

Pretending was all he had.


	8. Punished

This was so fucking embarrassing.

Murphy tried to tune his mother's voice out for the past 10 minutes, tried to ignore her scolding, but every time his mind drifted, she'd either smack the back of his head or slam her hand on the table, jarring him back to the present. It was like she could sense when his mind was elsewhere.

"I know teenage boys all want to be pulling on their willies, Murphy. I suppose you're no different than any other boy your age. But I won't be tolerating masturbation in this house, I've told you that before."

She poured more whiskey into her glass before taking a healthy pull from her cigarette, exhaling slowly as she stared at her youngest. Murphy wouldn't look at her, he couldn't, he'd rather die than look at his mother as she said the word 'masturbation.'

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

Murphy shrugged, "Nothin'."

"I expected an 'I'm sorry' from you. Or maybe a promise that you won't be doing that again."

There was a silence that hung in the air between them, Murphy fidgeting while his mother waited. Finally, Murphy realized that until he said _something_, his mother wasn't going to let him go.

"I don't wanna lie, Ma," he quietly confessed.

"So you're not sorry then?"

Murphy thought back to the morning, to what he did in his bed, to how hard he came to thoughts of Connor. No...he wasn't sorry, not at all. If Connor was involved, he'd never be sorry and he'd never lie & say he was.

He shook his head 'no' and his mother slammed her hand on the table harder than he'd ever seen before. Whiskey spilled over the rim of the glass & puddled around the tumbler, the ice cubes rattling loudly from the impact.

_"Murphy!"_ she practically screamed his name & he cringed in response when she suddenly stood up & stormed from the room, retreating to her bedroom with a slam of the door. He didn't know what to do, she'd just left him sitting there, was he excused? Or should he wait for her to come back & yell some more?

Minutes later, he was still sitting at the table, having decided it was better he wait, just in case. He heard the creaking of her door as it slowly opened & he didn't dare look up as she walked back into the kitchen, her slippers loudly shuffling across the linoleum. She sat down at the table, quickly drinking the whiskey that hadn't spilled from her glass before lighting another cigarette. They sat in silence as she smoked it down to the filter, finally butting it out in the overflowing ashtray.

"Ma?"

"What is it, Murphy?" She didn't sound mad anymore, she sounded exhausted, maybe even a little sad.

Suddenly he was nervous. He expected her to come in like a screaming banshee but she hadn't done that, she was cool & calm instead. And that made him nervous. "Can I go back to my room now?"

"Not yet." Then she poured more whiskey in her glass & drank it down in one gulp, something Murphy had seen her do only on rare occasion. "Get your sheets from the dryer, they should be ready to be put back on your bed. And Murphy, I don't want to find anything on your sheets again, understand?"

"Yes, Ma." He waited a moment before slowly standing up, relieved that this embarrassment was finally ending. He went to the washroom & took his sheets from the dryer, quickly moving to the stairs that led to his room and back to safety. Back to Connor.

"Murphy, wait."

He turned toward his ma, hugging his sheets closer to his body as he waited for her to approach, relieved that there was no anger or disgust in her eyes. She surprised him by hugging him tightly & kissing his head and he leaned into her hug, relishing her closeness.

"I love you, boy. I shouldn't have yelled at you like I did. But I still have to punish you for the lust in your heart."

If she only knew...

Connor was waiting for his twin to return to their room, pacing with nervous energy, hoping that Murphy wouldn't be punished too severely. After all, all Murph did was wank in his bed, something every teenage boy did from time to time...even Connor. _So what_ if Murphy had wiped his jizz on his sheets, they're _his_ sheets. And he promised Connor he'd be smarter about it next time, he'd think before he pulled it, just like Connor told him.

Murphy finally returned, his face so red that he was practically glowing, his arms overflowing with his clean sheets. He tossed his sheets onto his mattress & flopped down on his back on top of them, sighing loudly.

"I swear, Connor. There's nothin' worse than Ma saying the word masturbation."

Connor smiled, flopping on his back next to his brother. "Aye, I s'pose you're right about that. Did she punish you, then?"

"Aye...she said I had to be punished for the lust in my heart. But it's not like I can just fucking stop or anything." Murphy shook his head & quietly complained, "She just doesn't understand how hard it is."

Connor broke into a fit of laughter, he was barely able to contain himself. "It's hard again, eh, Murph?"

Murphy laughed with his brother, leave it to Connor to make an erection joke. "Shit, Conn...I get hard if the fucking wind blows."

"Well God help you if we get a tornado then, your dick might explode."

"I think it already did. All over my fucking sheets, that's what started the problem."

They laughed together at their crude humor, Murphy reveling in how close Connor was, his shoulder was touching him and his leg brushed against his as Connor shifted, turning onto his side & supporting his head in his hand, looking at him with those eyes that made Murphy forget to think.

"So? What's the punishment? Thirty days hard labor, scrubbing cum stains from your sheets?"

Murphy looked up at his twin, redness flaring over his features, his pale skin turning deeper crimson with embarrassment. Connor talking about cum stains could make him blush in record time. And the way he was looking down at him while talking about those cum stains wasn't helping either.

"I can't go anywhere for the next week, other than school or church. And every day she's giving me a list of extra chores to do, she says she wants me so exhausted that I'll have no energy left for my extracurricular activities...pretty sure she's not talking about football, either."

"I s'pose not. What chores do you have to do today?" Connor asked quietly, he hated when Murphy was punished, their Ma always seemed to be a bit harsher with Murphy for some reason and Connor wished he could help him in some way.

"I have to mow the entire lawn, weed the garden and clean the barn." Murphy shook his head, looking away from his brother. "I'll be dead by the end of the day."

Connor didn't know what to say. It was already past 11 am & it would take Murphy all afternoon to do those chores...their yard was huge, the garden overgrown & the barn disgusting. They both knew better than to let Connor help, even though their Ma would leave around noon & not be back until the pubs closed, she had an uncanny ability to tell when one of her twins didn't do his own chores.

Connor flopped back down onto his back, wishing he could do something to help his twin, alleviate his suffering somehow, give him comfort.

As if Murphy could read his mind, he softly said, "I'll be okay, Connor, don't ya be worrying about me. You just go and have fun tonight for the both of us."

They were supposed to go to a party tonight, a real blow out, one of those wild parties that only comes along once in a blue moon. It would have been a grand time full of drinking and carousing, two of Murphy's favorite things. And even though Katie had invited herself along, Murphy still had been looking forward to going, he always had fun at a party with Connor.

"I could stay home with you, Murph."

"And watch me do what? I won't be done until almost dark, then I'll be so fucking dirty that I'll have to soak in the tub for an hour. Then I'll be so exhausted that I'll probably fall asleep in my tv dinner. Not quite the glamorous evening you deserve, Connor."

"Still...I could stay with you."

Murphy sat up & twisted to look down at Connor, his freshly cut hair no longer blocking his gaze. "You'd really do that for me, wouldn't ya?"

"I'd do anything for you, Murph. Anything at all."

Murphy nodded, wishing that Connor really would do anything for him. He had a list in his head of all the dirty things he'd wish his twin would do, all the dirty things he'd do right back without hesitation, if only he could, if only Connor would let him.

Murphy glanced down at his brother's lips, staring at them, marveling at how full & perfect they were, how truly kissable they seemed, especially this close. He wished he could bend down & kiss him right then and there, make Connor groan his name into his mouth, make Connor want him with just a kiss.

Connor smiled, the corners of his lips turning up gently, and Murphy pulled his eyes away, turning from his perfect Connor to look at the wall across the room, hoping that Connor hadn't noticed his lingering desire.

"No, Connor. I don't want ya to stay, I want ya to go & have fun."

Connor sat up suddenly & sat dangerously close to his brother, tossing his arm over his shoulder, their thighs side by side & touching. His free hand reached to grab Murphy's knee, squeezing it tightly as he leaned into him.

"It won't be any fun without you, Murph. Let me stay with you, aye?"

Murphy shook his head, looking down at Connor's hand on his knee, wishing it would move up just a little bit. He bit his lip, took a deep breath and lied to Connor. "No, I don't want you home tonight. I kinda want to be alone. I mean, I never get a chance to have the house to myself, you know?"

Connor relented, releasing Murphy's knee, "Okay, Murph, if you're sure."

It was almost three o'clock & Murphy had finished weeding the garden & was just about to start the lawn mower when Connor approached, holding a tall glass of lemonade.

"Is that for me?" Murphy asked, smiling and knowing full well it was.

"No, I thought I'd drink it right in front of my sweaty, dehydrated twin brother. Just to torture the fucker." And then Connor took a sip.

"You do know how to torture me, Connor."

Connor held the glass out to his brother & pulled it back with a laugh when Murphy reached for it. "Ask me nice, Murph, then maybe I'll give it to you. But you gotta be sweet to me, you know I like it when you're sweet."

"Quit teasing, Connor. Give me the fucking drink."

"That's not my sweet Murphy I hear talking. My sweet Murphy doesn't curse like that."

Murphy cocked his head, he really wasn't in the mood for Connor's teasing right now, he had too much to do & he was too hot for games. "Come on, Connor, I don't feel like playing around. Are you gonna give me the drink or not?"

"I told you...you have to ask me nice & sweet, Murph."

"You're a jerk. Just fucking forget it, just go away, Connor." Murphy turned back to the lawnmower, pulling on the cord to start the motor. It roared to life, drowning out Connor just as he had begun to apologize. Connor tried to yell over the roar of the engine but Murphy either couldn't hear him or chose to ignore him, pushing the mower in the direction away from his brother, leaving Connor behind.

Connor knew better than to go after his fuming brother, when Murphy was like this, he would never listen to anything Connor had to say, not even an apology. So instead, Connor placed the glass next to the lawn supplies, hoping Murphy would drink it & not be so stubborn.

When Murphy turned the lawnmower around after completing the first long pass through the yard, he noticed the glass that Connor left for him. Well, he'd show him, he wouldn't drink it, not for anything. He caught sight of his brother walking down the street, apparently heading out to the party earlier than usual, apparently not wanting to be home any longer. That was fine with Murphy, he'd be perfectly fine all alone tonight, he didn't need Connor to be home bothering him and torturing him.

It took a couple hours, but finally Murphy finished mowing the lawn. He was drenched in sweat, his hair matted & dripping, his body exhausted. He sighed...shit, he still had to clean the barn. He put the lawn mower away & went to gather the lawn supplies, pausing when he saw the still full glass of lemonade sitting in the grass.

_Fuck you, Connor, _he thought, vowing to drink horse piss before he'd drink that glass of lemonade. He left the full glass in the grass, just where Connor had placed it, hoping his brother would see it when he came home that night, plastered after a night of drinking, and he hoped Connor would feel bad. He put away the lawn supplies, pausing to drink from the garden hose before going to the barn.

It was almost seven o'clock when Murphy finally finished his assigned chores, his body aching, his mind numb with exhaustion. He was thirsty & hungry but even worse, he was pretty sure he smelled like a dying cow. He found his t-shirt that he had thrown on the grass hours earlier when he was weeding & he wiped his wet face & chest with it.

His mind drifted to Connor & he wondered if he was having fun at the party without him. He thought about the lie he told, about wanting to be alone tonight & have the house to himself. Truth be told, Murphy hated being without Connor, he missed him terribly when he wasn't around & he was already lonely. But he had made the right decision, lying was the right thing to do if it meant that Connor wouldn't be stuck home with him, bored and suffering with a smelly, moody twin.

Murphy headed to the house, knowing to go in through the front door when he was this dirty, that was closest to the stairs that led to his room & he'd track less dirt in the house. He entered the silent home, sighing with loneliness, wishing Connor was there to greet him instead of this hollow feeling in his gut.

He climbed the stairs & tossed his shirt on the floor before kicking off his sneakers. As he walked to the bathroom, he left a trail of clothes in his wake, socks, jeans & boxers, all dirty & wet with sweat. He shut the bathroom door, completely out of habit alone, and filled the tub with cool water.

He took a long drink of water from the sink, glancing at his reflection in the mirror, noting how tired he looked. He sighed in relief as he sunk into the water, the cool water refreshing him, and he closed his eyes & just let his body soak in the water.

After about 10 minutes, he started to feel chilled & he quickly scrubbed his body & hair, the water now a murky brown color from the dirt & sweat. He pulled the plug on the drain & watched the dirty water drain away. He still didn't feel clean, so he replaced the plug & turned on the warm water, refilling the tub. He again closed his eyes & he thought about playing with himself, he could certainly use the release, but he was still too mad at Connor to jerk off to thoughts of him. Besides, he didn't think he had the energy to reach any sort of satisfying climax anyway. He shook his head, Ma was right, he was too exhausted for even that.

His growling stomach is what prompted him to leave his warm bath, his muscles aching as soon as they left the water, but at least he was clean. He toweled himself off, drying his hair with the towel before opening the door to his room.

Murphy's mouth hung open in shock at what he saw.


	9. I saw you

**A/N:**Thank you for the reviews/favorites/follows. I am honored. This chapter has graphic sexual content. And of course, graphic language. These are the MacManus twins, after all.

* * *

_No...please God, no. _

Murphy stood in place, just inside his bedroom, _their _bedroom. He was seeing things, that was it, he was exhausted & dehydrated and now he was hallucinating. It made sense, really...who else would he hallucinate about? Of course he'd hallucinate about Connor. Of course.

Murphy closed his eyes as tight as he could, trying to make the hallucination stop, just _please_ fucking go away. Connor wasn't here, he was still at the party drinking & having fun, Murphy was alone in the house, Connor wasn't here..._he wasn't fucking here. _

Murphy stood motionless, waiting for the sounds to stop so he could open his eyes. Did hallucinations come with sounds? They must, because this one had sounds.

Moans...slurps...grunts...creaking of the bed...

He couldn't take it anymore, he had to look, he had to know if it was real or not. He opened his eyes & slowly looked across the room, past his own empty bed with the pile of sheets still on it, past the 2 empty beer bottles on the nightstand, past the lacy black bra on the floor.

His eyes stopped & returned to the discarded garment, staring at the bra. Katie's bra...lying next to Connor's bed. Katie's bra that Connor had unhooked & tossed to the floor. Katie's bra that was now bringing tears to Murphy's eyes.

Connor wouldn't...Connor couldn't...

Murphy tore his eyes from the bra on the floor, his eyes moving to where the sounds were coming from, focusing on Connor's bed. His knuckles were white as he held the towel that was wrapped around his waist and he felt his chest tighten at the sight before him, the sight that was no fucking hallucination.

Connor was on top of Katie, between her spread legs, his hips pumping furiously. He hadn't even taken his clothes off, he was still wearing the same shirt he had left the house in and his boxers & jeans were pushed down, bunching at his knees, exposing his firm ass that was clenching with every pelvic thrust.

Katie was moaning beneath him, naked from the waist up, her huge tits bouncing wildly as Connor rode her. Her skirt was gathered at her waist & Connor hadn't bothered to remove her panties, he merely pushed the crotch to the side to gain access.

Murphy wanted to scream, but he had no voice. He wanted to run, but his legs wouldn't move. He wanted to fucking die.

He didn't want to be hurt, he didn't want his heart to break, but he couldn't stop it. The tears ran from his eyes in long streaks down his cheeks as he watched the love of his life fuck someone else. His Connor was fucking that whore. Right in front of him. In the room they shared, it was theirs, Katie had no right to be in here.

"Fuck me harder, Connor," Katie moaned, and the creaking of the bed grew faster & louder as Connor quickly obeyed. "Oh, fuck yes!"

And that's when she saw him, her eyes locking with Murphy's. To his surprise, she didn't look away, she didn't cover herself and she didn't make Connor stop. She held his gaze & opened her legs wider, her hands moving to tightly clutch Connor's ass to pull him in deeper, her red nails digging into his flesh.

Connor was making loud, animalistic sounds that Murphy had never heard before, his grunts mixed with his heavy breathing as he tried to fuck Katie as hard as he could, as deep as he could, as rough as he could.

During it all, Katie held Murphy's eyes, her vision unwavering, a snide smile on her face as she moaned his twin's name, telling Connor how good he was, how _big_ he was, how incredible he made her feel.

And she watched Murphy cry.

It felt like he had been watching them forever, watching Connor love someone else. He didn't know how to make the pain stop. He wanted to leave but couldn't look away long enough to move.

Then Connor stopped, he froze mid pump, his dick halfway inside of Katie's pussy, his eyes looking at her face. The bed stopped its loud squeaking, Katie's tits stopped their forceful bouncing, and Connor followed Katie's line of vision, looking over his shoulder toward the open bathroom door to where Murphy was watching. And crying.

Connor locked onto Murphy's watery blue eyes..._blue eyes like the ocean, Connor had said just recently..._and then Connor glared at his brother, causing Murphy to hold his breath in shock.

"What the fuck are ya doin', Murph? Are you fucking _watching_ us?!" Connor yelled, his voice angrier than Murphy had ever heard previously.

Murphy shook his head no, although that's exactly what he had been doing and everyone in the room knew it.

Connor pulled his dick out of Katie & he reached down to the floor, grabbing the shoe that Murphy had kicked off just before his bath, and Connor threw it across the room, connecting with Murphy's stomach. Murphy hadn't even reacted, he just stood there & let the shoe hit his body.

"What the fuck's wrong with you? Get the fuck out of here, Murph!" Connor bellowed.

Murphy's legs finally worked, he finally was able to move. Murphy clutched tightly to his towel & ran from the room, heading for the stairs, his other shoe narrowly missing his head as Connor heaved it at his retreating form.

He flew down the stairs in a panic, far too fast for being barefoot, and he tripped over his feet, tumbling down the last six stairs, hitting his elbow on the railing before slamming his knees onto the landing. He muttered a quiet curse as he limped over to the couch, sitting & catching his breath. He took the ends of his towel & pressed it to his bloody knees, trying not to bleed on the furniture. That's all he'd fucking need, Ma flipping out because he bled on the furniture.

Then he waited...and he listened.

At first, there was no sound at all from upstairs, it was completely quiet and Murphy breathed a sigh of relief, maybe the torture was over. He sat back, his hands keeping pressure on his knees, and he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

Then it started again. The rhythmic creaking of the bed, slow at first, then the thumping of the headboard on the wall as the rhythm increased. Murphy's tears had stopped but now they began anew as he sat & listened to the sounds of Connor fucking that girl.

Murphy wanted to leave but where could he go with only a towel to cover himself? All his clothes were upstairs, in the room, with _them._ And Connor would kill him if he went back up there...it wouldn't matter if he was naked, he couldn't go up there with them still fucking. And that's what they were doing...still fucking.

He couldn't not hear it, it was too loud. And he couldn't stop himself from listening, either, wishing Connor was pounding into him, filling him with his sticky cum. He should be the one telling Connor how good he was, not Katie. It should be _him_ moaning underneath Connor..._him_.

There were a few more squeaks of the bed and then it stopped. Murphy waited, hoping they weren't just switching positions, hoping that it really was over. He heard the creak of the floor as he recognized his brother's footsteps, Connor had gone into the bathroom, alone. Murphy closed his eyes, hoping Connor hadn't cum inside of the fucking witch.

The door of their room opened & they quietly walked down the stairs. Murphy quickly wiped his face with his hands, sniffing as quietly as he could, his eyes on the floor, he didn't want to see what Connor looked like post fuck. He'd only want to see that look if it was him who caused it.

The front door opened & before leaving, Katie called out to the dark haired boy bleeding on the couch. "I'm done with Connor for tonight. He's all yours, Murphy."

Murphy pretended she didn't exist...she was dead to him...a complete non-entity. He refused to respond in any way.

She paused, talking to Connor in a voice loud enough for Murphy to hear. "Tell your brother not to spy on us next time, Connor. He needs to grow up & not be such a baby."

"Don't you worry, I'll be having a talk with him," Connor quietly said, his eyes falling on his sullen twin.

"You better. It's bad enough that he stares at us when we're kissing. I don't want him spying on us when we're fucking, too."

Connor led Katie out the door, walking her outside to say goodbye. As soon as the door shut, Murphy was on his feet, running up the stairs two at a time. He burst through the door of his bedroom, trying to ignore the scent of sex that hung in the air, his eyes purposefully avoiding the rumpled sheets on Connor's bed. He went to his dresser & pulled out clean boxers & jeans, pulling them on as fast as he could. He was zipping his pants when Connor came in, his eyes blazing with anger.

"How long were you standing there watching us, Murph? Come on, I wanna know how long you watched."

Connor was standing in the doorway, blocking the exit, so Murphy turned in the other direction, heading to their bathroom.

"Don't you fucking walk away from me, you little fuck."

"I have to go to the bathroom, Connor," Murphy lied, pushing the door closed behind him. But Connor stopped the door with his foot before it latched and he pushed his way inside.

"You're a shitty liar, Murph."

Murphy glared at Connor's feet, he couldn't look him in the eyes, so he glared in his general direction, settling his gaze on his feet. "I'm not fucking lying. I have to take a shit."

"You always look at my feet whenever you lie, Murph. And right now, you're staring at my feet."

"Whatever, Connor." That was the best he could come up with. Connor was right, he was lying.

"Yeah, whatever, Murph. Now answer my fucking question before I beat that shit right out of you. How long were you watching?"

Murphy knew Connor wouldn't let him get away with not answering, he had the look on his face that meant business. "Dunno. I wasn't timing you, all right?"

"No, it's not all right. What the fuck were you thinking? You get off on watching or something?"

Murphy finally looked Connor in the eyes and Connor took a step back at the pain he saw in his twin. He didn't understand why Murphy was looking at him like he just killed a puppy with his bare hands.

"Look, Murph. It's just a little weird, s'all. I didn't expect you to be watching while I did..._that_. I didn't expect you to walk in on us, you know?"

Murphy narrowed his eyes, looking intently at Connor, remembering how he looked when he was fucking Katie. His heart skipped a beat at the image that crossed his mind. "Where the fuck did you think I was? You knew I was grounded, Connor, you knew I was home. It was dark so you knew I wouldn't be outside working anymore. You knew I was in the bathroom, you knew."

"I just wasn't thinking about where you were."

Murphy shifted on his feet, his lips in a thin line as he held back his tears. "Didja want me to see you, Connor? Is that what you planned? For me to walk in on you when you're fucking that...that...that _girl?_"

Connor took a step toward his twin, he hated when Murphy had that hurt look on his face. He reached for his arm but Murphy pulled back, away from Connor's touch. For the first time ever.

"Don't touch me. I'm really fucking mad at you, Connor." He couldn't handle having Connor's hand on him, not after it had touched Katie.

Connor's mouth hung open, "What? You're mad at me? I'm the one who should be mad, not you."

"You just don't get it, Connor. You were having sex...in our room. You didn't even warn me, you let me walk in and see you fucking that girl. Do you have any idea how that felt? Seeing you do that? And then..." Murphy paused, wiping at his eye with the back of his hand, he could feel tears starting and he didn't want to cry again. He took a deep breath, his voice soft & filled with pain. "And then I had to listen downstairs until you were done. I could hear you fucking her, Connor, I could hear. And the whole time you knew I was home. You knew I saw & you knew I heard. Just like you wanted."

Connor was stunned by his brother's words. He hated how he made Murphy feel, he hated that he had been so selfish, he hated that he made his brother cry.

"That's not what I wanted, not at all. I just wasn't thinking about you, Murph."

"I know. You never think about me anymore, do ya?"

"I just meant I wasn't thinking about where you were, I was only thinking about what I wanted to do with Katie. You can understand that, can't you? Murph...look...I know you have some pretty strong feelings, okay? I know."

Murphy felt a cold chill go through him, if Connor knew how he felt and he didn't feel the same way, maybe letting Murphy walk in on them having sex was Connor's way of making a point. Maybe Connor didn't want to tell Murphy no, he wanted to show him instead.

Murphy couldn't speak, he kept his eyes on Connor's, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I know you have a crush, Murph. It's pretty obvious."


	10. Denial

"I don't know what you're talking about Connor." _Deny, deny, deny_.

Connor paused, trying to think of the kindest way to confront his brother, he'd already hurt him enough for one day, too many tears had already been shed because of him. He spoke gently, all traces of anger gone. "I'm not stupid, Murph. And I'm not blind, either. I see the way you stare. You're always watching, not just tonight, but all the time."

Murphy was at a loss for words, he thought he'd been covert, he thought no one would notice how he watched Connor, not even Connor. What had he done wrong, how had he slipped up so badly, what clues had he left? His mind desperately tried to think of something to say, some way to explain why his eyes were always on his twin, always following every move he made, always staring.

"I swear, Connor...I have no idea what you're talking about. Honest." Murphy tried to keep the panic from his voice, he tried to sound sincere, believable. He wanted to run from the room, hide under his bed like he used to do when he was nine & felt overwhelmed or scared. If he wasn't too big to fit, he'd probably be under his bed right now.

"Really, Murph? No idea?"

Murphy shook his head no, feeling guilty. Not only was he in love with his brother, now he was lying to him, too. His whole life felt like a lie, everything he did, everything he said, everything he felt...a big fucking lie, told over and over to the one person who mattered most.

"It's okay...I'm not mad at you," Connor said in an exceedingly soft voice. "I really do understand."

Murphy shifted on his feet, his eyes drawn to the mirror on the wall, seeing Connor's reflection. Connor's eyes were on him, waiting for a response or reaction, not realizing that Murphy could see him in the mirror. It was surreal to watch Connor like this, to see the expression on his face as he looked at Murphy, the concern in his eyes. Murphy suddenly realized he was staring, just like Connor said, and he hadn't even realized it. Reluctantly, he pulled his eyes from Connor's reflection, looking down to the floor.

"Please talk to me, Murph. I'm your brother, you can tell me anything."

With a shrug of his shoulders, Murphy mumbled, "There's nothing to tell."

"Don't lie to me, we both know there's plenty to tell." Connor paused to allow his twin time to respond but when Murphy remained silent, Connor continued. "Why don't you start by telling me how long you've had these feelings?"

Murphy debated whether he should again deny knowing what Connor was talking about. But what was the point? It was obvious that Connor knew he had feelings, he knew Murphy stared at him _constantly_. A million denials wouldn't change anything.

"Awhile," Murphy confessed, his voice almost too soft to be heard. He looked up at his twin, he needed to see if Connor made a face of disgust, and he was relieved when his expression hadn't changed.

Murphy had realized his feelings for Connor were more than just brotherly about the time puberty hit. He remembered looking at Connor's body & feeling a stirring between his legs, he'd get hard if Connor looked at him a certain way, he even came in his pants once just because Connor was whispering in his ear. The very first time Murphy wanked, he'd done it to a picture of Connor. And every time since, every dirty thought, every hard-on, every drop of cum that came from his body was because of Connor.

"I'm sorry. I know it's wrong...but I just...I can't help the way I feel," Murphy added to his confession, his words in a rush. "I don't want to have these feelings, I don't. But I can't turn it off, Connor...I tried, I swear I tried. I just...I just can't help it."

When Murphy finished, he took a deep breath & waited for Connor's reaction. Murphy had paled considerably and he was shifting from foot to foot, wondering what Connor was thinking. Murphy hoped & prayed that he'd still have a brother after what he'd said.

Connor nodded, his eyes not leaving his twin. "It's okay. It'll be fine, I promise. I'm glad you finally told me, Murph. I knew there was something going on, I could tell by how you were acting. It really does explain a lot."

"Please don't hate me."

Connor laughed out loud, rolling his eyes & shaking his head. "Quit being so dramatic, I'd never hate you, you know that. It's not the end of the world, you just have a silly little crush, s'all."

That's where Connor was wrong. There was nothing silly about it, not to Murphy. To him, it was the most serious thing in the world, it held the most meaning in his life, it was his reason for existing. And it wasn't little either, it was huge, holding all the love that Murphy had in his heart. He was in love with Connor, it wasn't a crush, it was love.

"What are you thinking, Connor? About me?"

Connor's face grew serious, more serious than Murphy had seen in a long time as he contemplated the question. "I'm thinking this crush is really getting to you, Murph. You're not acting like yourself, you seem sad. I think these feelings you have are scaring you & you're really confused right now. But Murph...you have to move on, you have to. Katie just doesn't feel the same way about you."

_KATIE? _Murphy was stunned, Connor could have knocked him over with a feather. How could Connor possibly think his crush was _KATIE_? She was the devil & Murphy was in love with an angel. What the fuck had he said that made Connor go insane?

As Murphy contemplated the loss of his brother's sanity, Connor tried to be comforting. "I know it's hard for you to see me with her, seeing as how you feel. But you have to accept that it's never going to happen. She's not the one for you, Murph. I know it hurts but you'll find someone, I promise. It just won't be Katie."

As Connor's words slowly sunk in, Murphy made a decision then & there. Connor was with Katie, he'd never want to be with Murphy. He loved Murphy, but he wasn't _in love_ with him. Murphy had to find a way to not only accept that, but to have it be enough. Murphy had to move on, he had to stop pretending, and he had to find someone who'd love him back.

He made a silent vow, he'd let Connor think his crush was on Katie. He'd never tell him it was Connor who he loved, Connor who he adored, Connor who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, not as a brother but as a lover. If Connor knew, it would change everything, Connor would be hurt knowing he caused Murphy so much pain. And Murphy couldn't let that happen. He'd protect Connor from himself.

So Murphy placated his brother, nodding that he understood when Connor told him he had to forget his feelings, telling him he'd try. He smiled when Connor told him he loved him & apologized for what Murphy saw. And he clung to his brother's body when he hugged him, wishing it was for a different reason.

Murphy pushed his face into Connor's neck, breathing in his scent & closing his eyes…..pretending one final time.


	11. Suffering

The next couple days were the worst in Murphy's young life.

He went to church with Connor, praying by his side, their shoulders touching as he asked God for help. He ate his meals with Connor, their fingers touching slightly as they passed things across the table, Murphy pushing his food around his plate but barely eating. He walked to school with Connor and back home alone, Connor usually spending the afternoon with Katie while Murphy had chores to do, his punishment for staining his sheets not yet finished.

Murphy actually welcomed the chores now, he could focus on what he was doing instead of on what his twin was doing, he had a distraction from Connor, however brief it was. He worked as hard as he could, sweat pouring off his body as he tried to exhaust himself, vowing to work until he could no longer see straight. Maybe if he was completely exhausted, he'd be able to sleep for more than an hour a night, at least that's what he hoped.

But sleep rarely came and when it did come, it rarely stayed for long. Night after night Murphy would lie in his bed, haunted by his thoughts, trying to stop any fantasies before they started. But night after night, his eyes would stare across the room, trying to see Connor in the moonlight...Connor always looked so perfect & beautiful in the moonlight. Even though Murphy tried not to, he had to look, he couldn't help himself. Murphy would only look away when he'd feel the thickness growing between his legs, his dick stiffening & straining against his boxers as it rose to attention. He hadn't touched himself in days and his erections were killing him, his dick practically begging for release. But if he wanked, he'd think of Connor...and he was trying _not _to think of Connor.

He wondered if anyone ever died from blue balls...

So while Murphy suffered with his throbbing cock, refusing to touch it no matter how much it begged, he'd listen to Connor breathe softly in his sleep from his nearby bed. And Murphy would lie to himself over & over. He was no longer in love with Connor, he really wasn't, he was ready to move on. He wasn't in love...he wasn't.

The very worst part of the night wasn't the lack of sleep. It wasn't the quiet in the house. It wasn't even the painful hard-on that Murphy constantly had between his legs. It was the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that covered Murphy like his soft green blanket, enveloping him completely, making him ache for his twin.

He knew if he asked, Connor would let him crawl in bed with him, he never refused, not ever. He'd be safe & warm with Connor, he wouldn't be lonely...Connor would hold him tight in his arms, probably all night long. But as much as Murphy wanted to be close to Connor, as much as he needed his touch, as much as he ached to be held, Murphy wouldn't let himself ask...he had a vow to stick to.

So instead of asking his brother for comfort, instead of giving in & allowing himself to be held in Connor's arms once again, Murphy stayed put, lonely in his bed. He closed his eyes, pressing his face into his pillow to muffle his crying...he didn't want to wake Connor. He drifted off to sleep with tears still leaking from his eyes.

Connor woke to the sound of his brother's soft moan of his name, bolting upright in his bed. He looked to his right, trying to see Murphy in the next bed, trying to see if he was okay, but it was too dark to see much of anything. Connor paused, thinking maybe it had just been his imagination, or maybe a dream, but his instincts told him otherwise. Murphy had called out to him...Murphy needed him, something was wrong.

"Murph? You awake?" Connor whispered, paused for a moment, and waited for a response.

"Murphy?"

What he heard next made him jump from his bed & quickly move to his brother's side. Murphy sounded like a small child, his voice raspy as he whined in his sleep, the word he said indistinguishable but Connor knew his twin had said his name again. The sound of his twin whining his name in his sleep sent a wave of near panic through to Connor's soul.

Connor looked down at his twin, now able to see Murphy's face in the soft moonlight filtering in through the window. Murphy's face was scrunched up, his features strained, his brow furrowed in his fitful sleep. Were those tears? Connor sat gently on the bed, his thumb carefully wiping the tears from his brother's face. Connor shook his head, Murphy looked exhausted, he had dark circles under his eyes & Connor desperately wanted to ease his twin's pain in some way but he didn't know how.

He had expected Murphy to ask to sleep in his bed, Murph always asked when he was sad or upset, but this time, Murphy hadn't said a word. His silence actually scared Connor, it wasn't like Murphy to be so oddly quiet. And it wasn't like Murphy to be this upset & not seek out his twin.

Murphy shifted in his sleep, instinctively moving closer to Connor, and Connor began to pet Murphy's hair, running his fingers through the silk, trying to comfort his distraught brother. Connor knew Murphy loved to have his hair stroked, almost as much as Connor liked touching it, and he watched as Murphy's face slowly began to relax under his caring touch.

"Hush, Murph...it's okay. Connor's here with ya."

Connor stared at his brother, his gaze running over his face, studying his features. Murphy had such a baby face, he looked so young when he slept, he looked...innocent. But Murphy also looked exhausted, he needed a good nights sleep, desperately. Murphy wasn't asking for help but Connor knew he needed it. And Connor knew what to do to make sure Murphy got what he needed.

Connor climbed into Murphy's bed, wrapping his twin in his arms & pulling him close. He felt Murphy instantly relax & snuggle closer to his body, his legs intertwining with Connor's. Connor lifted his head & looked at the boy in his arms, seeing Murphy's face finally completely calm & at peace. Mission accomplished.

"Good, Murph...you sleep now. I've got ya...Connor's here."

Connor kissed his brother's forehead, holding his lips to his skin for a few moments before softly kissing him again a second time. Connor held Murphy in his arms, rocking him gently & rubbing his back as the boy slept soundly for the first time in days. Connor stayed awake, comforting his brother with his presence, until he was satisfied that Murphy wouldn't wake until morning. Only then did he allow himself to sleep as well.

They slept the rest of the night wrapped around each other, arms & legs intertwined, bodies becoming one, each twin finding comfort in the other.

Murphy woke slowly, he always woke slowly, and he was certain he was in the middle of a dream, a wonderfully intense dream full of Connor. His best dreams were always about Connor & this one was especially vivid, it felt like Connor was right there with him. Murphy didn't want to open his eyes, he was afraid the dream would stop, so he kept his eyes closed & enjoyed the sensation as he lingered halfway between being asleep & being awake.

Every time he inhaled, he smelled Connor, it was like his scent was all over him, all over his bed. He adored the way Connor smelled, it was not only comforting and familiar, it was sexy & intoxicating. Murphy wondered if he could get high just by smelling Connor's scent.

Murphy's arms & legs were wrapped around his dream, his Connor, Murphy's body conforming to the body that held him tightly. He shifted closer to the warmth next to him, not even realizing he did so, his movement was pure instinct.

Hard...his dick was rock hard, swollen with need, pressing against a firm thigh. He shifted again, grinding his cock into that thigh, and he began to move his hips leisurely, rubbing & pressing his fat prick into the warmth he was wrapped around.

Murphy knew he shouldn't be doing this, he had made a vow, he wasn't supposed to be thinking of Connor at all in _that way. _But this dream felt so fucking amazing, so real, and his dick was so fucking hard, what would one more dream hurt? He needed to cum so bad, it'd been too long, the ache between his legs driving him on.

"Murph? What are ya doing?"

Murphy could swear he heard Connor's voice but that was impossible. When Murphy had wet dreams of Connor, all Connor ever said was filthy things while he fucked Murphy, things that Murphy could only dream of hearing for real. So Murphy ignored the voice & grinded a little harder, his cock so fucking sensitive that it wouldn't take much more for Murphy to cum in his pants.

He felt a hand on his bare shoulder, fingers gripping tightly, and Connor's insistent voice cut through his sleep filled haze. "You need to stop, Murph. C'mon...wake up."

Murphy froze, only a heartbeat away from a body shaking orgasm, his dick practically twitching. Realization flooded his mind...Connor's voice, Connor's smell, Connor's body was _right there..._this was no dream, he wasn't still sleeping, this was fucking reality. He opened his eyes & lifted his head, looking up to see Connor's shocked expression, his own expression matching his twin's. Connor stared at his overheated brother with wide eyes, suddenly unsure of what to say.

"C-Conn?"

Murphy silently begged God to let this be a bad dream, like the one he used to have about being naked & hard in front of the entire school. He swallowed the lump in his throat, he knew this was no dream, he had been humping Connor...and now Connor was staring at him.

Connor chuckled nervously, glancing down at his brother's crotch that was still pressed firmly into his thigh. "What say we get out of bed, okay Murph?"

And then Connor shifted against his brother, inadvertently rubbing his thigh over Murphy's still hard prick as he attempted to extricate himself from their position. He shifted a second and third time, his thigh pressing a little harder as he moved, and that was all Murphy needed.

Murphy clenched his eyes shut as hard as he could & bit his lip, trying not to let happen what he knew was happening. He felt the familiar tightening of his balls begin, he couldn't stop it, he hadn't wanked in days & his dick was oversensitive. He tried to hold his breath but as the tingling at the base of his dick turned into waves of hot pleasure, a moan from deep in his chest began, a moan he couldn't stop, a moan that was loud & full of ecstasy. He tried to roll away from Connor and ended up on his back, he was trying to get away...he didn't want him to see.

But Connor saw. He saw Murphy's back arch, he saw Murphy's body shake, he saw Murphy's face contort in pleasure.

He saw Murphy cum.

As Murphy's body slumped on the bed, a wet stain formed across the front of his boxers, his cum soaking into the material. His chest was heaving & covered in sweat as he struggled to catch his breath, his dick softening slowly between his shaking legs.

There was silence in the room...Murphy opened his eyes slowly...he was terrified. Not only had he humped Connor, he had cum in front of him too...because he had humped him. What would Connor think?

Connor was hovering over him, eyes scanning his face, a slight smirk on his lips. "You okay, Murph?"

Murphy nodded slowly, why was Connor smirking? Did he think this was funny? It wasn't funny, not at all. He knew what just happened, he knew Murphy had just cum in his pants, he knew because he had watched. _He fucking watched. _

"Well that was..._interesting, _Murph. Nice to know I have that effect on you," Connor joked, trying to make light of the situation, his smirk turning into a smile. "I usually like a little sweet talk first, though. Maybe a nice dinner, some flowers are good. I need to be spoiled before I let someone dry hump my leg. Try to remember that for next time, aye?"

Murphy felt like crying, Connor was making jokes and it hurt. Murphy hadn't meant for any of that to happen, he didn't mean to rub one out against his brother, he didn't know what he was doing, he thought it was a dream. He'd slept in the same bed with Connor a million times & he'd never humped him before, and he'd never cum in front of him either. And now Connor was making jokes about what happened, about what Murphy did, about what Connor saw.

"I-I'm sorry, Connor. I didn't mean ta...you know...I-I really didn't mean to do that," Murphy quickly mumbled as he sat up, looking away from his brother's amused expression, moving off the bed & heading to the bathroom to clean himself.

"What the fuck, Murph? You're not even gonna hold me after all that? Just hump & dump me, is that it?" Connor's voice followed Murphy into the bathroom, his brother's badgering stopping only when the door slammed shut.

Twenty minutes later, Murphy entered the kitchen, he was clean but his face & neck were still crimson red and he couldn't look at his twin. Connor was almost done with his cereal & he smiled at his brother, watching him gather his own bowl & spoon before sitting down.

"No kiss for me, Murph?" Connor giggled as Murphy tried to ignore him. "I feel so used."

Murphy poured cereal into his bowl, followed by milk, and he began to eat his breakfast. He knew Connor was probably just as embarrassed as he was, maybe even more so seeing as it was his leg Murphy had been wrapped around. But still, the teasing hurt & he wished Connor would stop.

Connor noticed the look on his brother's face. He hadn't meant to hurt him, he was only trying to lighten the mood a little, trying to make jokes so that they didn't have to talk about what Murphy did...to Connor..._because_ of Connor.

"Look, Murph. I'm just kidding, all right? I don't mean anything by it. It just shocked me to wake up & have you on me like that. You were really going at it." Connor chuckled, he was nervous talking to Murphy about this. "S'not a big deal though, okay? You obviously didn't know what you were doing...sometimes your dick has a mind of its own, right?"

Murphy had stopped eating his cereal, he was pushing the corn flakes around his bowl instead of eating. "Why were you in my bed?"

"Because you weren't in mine."

A few days prior, Connor's response would have sent Murphy into fits of happiness. But he refused to pretend anymore, no matter how much it hurt, he wouldn't make believe that Connor said those things because he wanted him. His heart just couldn't take it.

"You shouldn't have watched me. You should have left, Connor. Or at least looked away."

Connor slid to the chair next to Murphy, reaching out & covering his hand with his own. "I know. And I'm sorry that you're embarrassed. But I just couldn't look away. I've never seen you like that, you were so, so...so _wild_. And out of control, like you couldn't stop yourself for anything. I just couldn't look away."

"You should have tried."

Connor nodded, Murphy was right, he didn't even try to look away. He just sat there & watched Murphy cum in his pants, he had been fascinated by what his brother was doing...he had watched it all with rapt attention.

Murphy pulled his hand away, Connor realizing that he should have said something else by now.

"Let's just forget it happened, okay? Please, Murph? I won't tease you anymore & I'll never mention it again. Can we just pretend it never happened?"

Murphy made a snorting sound. If there was one thing he was good at, it was pretending. He had mastered the fine art of pretending a long time ago.

Murphy finally looked at his brother once again, a blush creeping over his face, and Connor relaxed. Murphy was looking at him again, that was a good sign.

"Aye…I can pretend, Connor." At least he could try.


	12. Avoidance

"Where's your brother?"

Murphy's body stiffened, he recognized the voice coming from behind him, and he hated the person that voice was attached to. _Her..._the fucking hag. Couldn't he just get through one fucking day without having to see that bitch?

Murphy was sitting at his usual table in the school lunchroom, only it was unusual in the sense that Connor wasn't with him. Katie walked around the table & sat across from Murphy, in Connor's seat. Murphy grit his teeth, he didn't like anyone sitting in Connor's seat, it was for Connor only, no one else. He tried to ignore her, focusing on the corn that was escaping his fork instead of her irritating presence.

"Are you deaf, Murphy?"

"Nope."

She sighed, her irritation growing. "Did you hear me, then?"

"Yup."

As he speared a piece of corn, he saw her shift in her seat, her glare obvious. He smiled, pleased with how he irritated her, he loved getting on her nerves.

"So where's Connor?"

Murphy shrugged, "Dunno. S'not my turn to watch him."

She laughed loudly, almost maniacally, and he looked up, confused at her response. "That's actually pretty funny, Murphy."

"Yeah? How so?"

She leaned forward, like she was telling him a secret, her eyebrow raised. "Because you always watch him. It's what you do best. It's like you're obsessed with him or something."

Murphy looked down at his lunch, grinding his teeth as he tried to stay calm, tried not give anything away. She smirked at his response, realizing she hit a nerve.

"Why do you stare all the time?"

Murphy took a deep breath & looked back at her. Shit...he fucking hated her, he hated everything about her, especially that smug look on her face right now. "Don't you have somewhere else to be? Why're you even sitting here?"

"I enjoy your stellar conversation," she responded, that same smug look not changing one bit.

"Fuck off. Is that stellar enough for you?"

She laughed again, finding Connor's twin somewhat amusing. "Just tell Connor I'm looking for him. Oh...and be a good little boy and make yourself scarce Saturday night. I don't want you spying on us again."

Murphy couldn't stand the way she talked to him, especially when Connor wasn't around. "I wasn't spying...you were the one in _my_ room. Besides, s'not like it was all that fucking interesting."

"Yeah, that's why you watched us until your brother threw a shoe at you, right?" Katie loudly responded, drawing the attention of the next table, Murphy ducking his head as they looked at him. "Give it up, Murphy. I saw you staring, you couldn't take your eyes off us."

Murphy tossed his fork onto his plate, his appetite completely gone as the memory of Connor screwing Katie tore his heart out once again. He had tried so hard to forget what he saw, what he felt, he was trying to move on. But with Katie throwing it in his face, it was impossible.

All he could think about was them fucking, all he could picture was them fucking, all he could hear was them fucking. Connor's hands on her, Connor's lips on her...Connor's dick _in_ her.

He needed it to stop, the pain needed to end. It was almost too much for Murphy to stand, it took all his attention...his pain was a festering wound, unhealing & unending. He wanted to tell her that he loved Connor more than she ever could, she needed to keep her dirty hands off of him...Connor was _his_. But he wouldn't say that, he couldn't. He was done pretending.

"I thought you were leaving," he mumbled, trying to keep his face neutral but knowing he was failing.

Katie sat back & he knew she was staring at him, he could feel the glare of her beady eyes as she waited for him to swear at her, to yell at her...to break. He could feel his mouth twitching, he was dangerously close to either screaming or crying, it could go either way. He bit his lip to stop himself from reacting, he could hold it in if he had to, he could wait her out, she'd get bored & leave.

But instead of leaving like he thought she would, she just sat there, watching him. Fine, he'd stare her down if that's what she wanted, he'd look her in the eye & tell her to go fuck herself, too. He raised his eyes to hers & she responded with that same fake smile she always had plastered on her face.

"I don't know how Connor puts up with you. You're so weird." She was baiting him, trying to get him to lash out, hoping for some kind of extreme reaction. His hand was resting on his thigh & he gripped his leg tightly to prevent any other noticeable response, he wasn't going to play her fucked up game. "Connor tells me everything, you know. I know all about what happened this morning."

His eyes widened with the memory of humping Connor's leg, of cumming in his pants, of Connor watching him. No, Connor wouldn't tell anyone, especially not her...he wouldn't betray Murphy like that. He wouldn't.

"You're so weird, Murphy."

As she stared at him, all he could think about was running, just getting the fuck away from her. And if she wouldn't leave, then he would. He picked up his tray & moved as quickly as he could without actually running, dumping his nearly full tray in the bin & moving past the crowd gathered at the exit.

He wandered through the halls, looking for his twin, not paying attention to which direction he was going. Relying on pure gut instinct, Murphy moved down the far hall, feeling a strange pull toward the stairs that led to the second floor. No one used these stairs much, they were too far removed from the main part of the building, and he felt an overwhelming sense that Connor was nearby as he entered the stairwell. As Murphy reached the top of the first landing, he looked up the flight & saw his twin sitting on the top step, a book open in front of him, completely engrossed.

Murphy stood in place, watching Connor read what Murphy knew was some sort of historical novel, his eyes moving rapidly across the page. Connor would lose himself in whatever he was reading, his face lighting up when he read a particularly interesting part, totally oblivious to everything around him. Murphy loved Connor's intensity, the fire he had when he was so focused on a book, the look of pure joy on his face. Other than when Connor was sleeping, it was the one time Murphy could watch him without fear of Connor noticing.

But now wasn't the time to watch Connor. Murphy needed to talk to him, not watch him.

"Conn?" Connor didn't react, Murphy's voice too quiet to pull Connor from his book. Murphy cleared his throat & took a few shaky steps closer to his brother.

"Connor?"

Connor's head jerked up from his book, instantly locking eyes with his younger twin who was standing toward the bottom of the stairs. "Oh...hey, Murph."

"Hey."

Connor shut his book, his eyes narrowed as he studied Murphy, and he instinctively knew something was bothering his brother. "You okay? You look a little funny."

Murphy shrugged, feeling sheepish, unsure...stupid.

He had wanted to find Connor but now that he had, now that Connor was waiting for him to say something, Murphy was losing his nerve. Connor had avoided him all day, most noticeably at lunch, and it was obvious he didn't want Murphy around, especially after what happened that morning. Murphy really couldn't blame him either, he was lucky Connor was still talking to him.

The more Murphy thought about it, he realized Connor had been slowly pulling away from him ever since he saw Connor fucking the bitch. And after Murphy practically molested him this morning, Connor had pretty much disappeared from Murphy's side. Murphy had been too wrapped up in his heartache to notice Connor withdrawing, it hadn't even dawned on him until today that that's what he was doing. But now it was so clear.

Connor was hiding from Murphy, he didn't want to be around him anymore, Connor was through with his perverted fucked up twin.

"Murph?" Connor's voice was gentle, laced with concern, just like always. But Murphy knew better.

Suddenly he felt like an intrusion on Connor's privacy, he shouldn't have tracked him down like a stupid lovesick puppy, he should have respected Connor's wishes. Connor didn't have to speak those words out loud for Murphy to hear them, Murphy just had to pay attention. He should have listened to Connor, he should have heard.

"I'm sorry, Connor. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading."

"You're not interrupting," Connor responded without hesitation, meaning what he said.

"Yeah...I am. Sorry." Murphy turned to go, he'd leave Connor to his book, like he should have done in the first place.

"Wait, Murph." Then Connor was suddenly next to him, his hand on his bicep, turning him to look at his face. "You came looking for me for a reason. What's wrong?"

Murphy looked away, he couldn't look into those eyes, not after all that happened, not after he finally realized Connor didn't want him around anymore. Connor's fingers were tight on his arm, not relenting, not letting him escape.

"Nothin's wrong, I'm just grand," Murphy mumbled, his eyes dropping to the ground. "Never been better."

"You're staring at my feet, Murph," Connor pointed out & Murphy quickly looked to the side, pulling away slightly. Connor's fingers shifted, his grip almost intensifying as Murphy attempted to move away. "What happened?"

Murphy paused for a moment, he knew if he pulled away any further without saying a word, Connor would just drag him back. But he really didn't want to have this conversation anymore, he didn't think he could get the words out.

"Conn...please. Just let me leave. Okay?"

And for a moment, Murphy thought Connor would let him go. But then the fingers on his bicep slid to his shoulder and squeezed gently while at the same time, holding him in place. Connor wasn't willing to let Murphy run away from him, not when he had sought Connor out, not when he was so obviously worked up about something. Murphy needed him, and Connor would be there.

Connor's voice was firm, encouraging, yet it still held a softness that was only for Murphy. "No fucking way, Murph, I'm not letting you run away. Now tell me."

Connor waited for his brother to gather his courage, watching his eyes as they darted everywhere but at his face, watching his mouth twitch with nervousness. Connor was patient, allowing Murphy the time he needed to gather himself.

"Are you mad at me, Connor?" Finally, he spit it out, not quite the way he wanted to, but at least he said something. Then his eyes looked into Connor's, waiting for a response, bracing himself for whatever Connor would say.

"'Course not. Why would you think I was mad at you?"

Murphy shrugged & looked down. Connor didn't want him around, and if he wasn't mad at him, then it had to be something even worse that kept him away.

Connor shook him by his shoulder, "Hey...I'm not mad at you. I promise."

"Then...then why are you avoiding me?" He had to ask, he had to know why. He bit his lip, waiting for the words that would shred him to pieces, waiting for the words that would make him not want to live anymore, waiting for Connor to tell him to fuck off.

Connor released his shoulder & took a long, deep breath as he turned away. Murphy didn't know what to do, should he leave? Should he say something? Should he tell Connor he was sorry again?

Connor turned back to look at his brother, his eyes soft & remorseful. "I didn't think you'd notice."

Murphy scoffed, his voice shaking as it echoed in the stairwell. "How could I not notice? If it's because of what happened this morning, Connor...I-I'm so fucking sorry, I really am."

"It's not because of what happened this morning. I told you, it's fine, s'not a big deal."

Now Murphy was really confused. "Then...then why?" Connor didn't respond, he actually looked uncomfortable, which was something Murphy rarely saw. "Connor?"

Connor leaned against the wall, propping himself against it, not wanting to hurt his brother any more. "I was trying to protect you, Murph. I know you hurt, I can see it in your eyes. I just thought it would be easier for you if you didn't have to see me, knowing I was with Katie. I thought maybe it would help you for me to stay away."

Murphy shook his head, he should have known, Connor was just trying to protect him...he should have known. As much as it hurt to see Connor with Katie, knowing he'd never have Connor the way he wanted, it was far worse to be without him. "Staying away doesn't help me, Connor. It only hurts me. A lot."

"Aye, I can see that now. It was really hard on me too, Murph. I don't like not being around you. I really missed you."

Murphy smiled, "I missed you too. But please, Connor, don't avoid me again, okay? I can't take it if you do that."

Connor nodded & moved away from the wall, standing tall once again. "Okay, Murph, okay."

The boys stared at each other for a few moments, silent communication passing between them as they both silently apologized to the other, both instantly forgiving.

Connor saw something else in Murphy's eyes, something that was still bothering him. Murphy knew Connor saw it as well & even though Murphy knew for a fact Connor would never betray him, he still wanted to know what he had told Katie.

"I saw Katie."

"Yeah?"

Murphy nodded slowly. "She said you tell her everything. She said you told her what happened this morning."

Connor sat on the step, running his hand through his hair. "And what do you think I told her, Murph?"

Murphy's eyes never strayed from his brother, redness quickly covering his face. "I know you didn't tell her about...about what...about what I did, Connor. I know you wouldn't do that."

"I'd never do that to you, Murph. Never."

"I know, Conn. Honest, I really do." And he did, he didn't doubt Connor for one minute.

Connor's face broke into a smile as he motioned toward Murphy, "Your ears are turning red. I swear, sometimes you do that on purpose just because it's so fucking cute."

Murphy blushed even more & he decided he didn't need to know what Connor told Katie, it didn't matter because Connor would never do anything to hurt him, Connor loved him, and he knew this deep in his heart.


	13. Meeting Jonathan Part 1

The high pitched tinkling of the bell signaled Murphy's entrance into the small grocery store. He tossed his backpack into the shopping cart & reached into his jeans pocket, retrieving the list his mother had given him this morning.

His eyes scanned the list...could it be any fucking longer? He hated grocery shopping, especially when he had to go alone, and because this was part of his punishment, Connor wasn't with him. His twin was probably home by now, probably already relaxing with his feet up, the fucker.

Murphy pushed the cart forward, he'd get everything as fast as he could, he'd get out the store & back home in record time. Even Connor would be surprised by how fast he'd be home. He smiled, thinking of how Connor would look when he walked in the door, the surprised but pleased look he'd have on his face when he'd see Murphy home so early.

"Well, hello there young Mr. MacManus," the elderly man behind the counter yelled out with a large smile & a wave. "You doing the shopping for your Ma today?"

Murphy waved back with a smile & a nod, not wanting to slow down, not wanting to delay in any way. Connor was waiting at home for him, he had to hurry.

He moved down the first few aisles with no problem, tossing the items his Ma wanted haphazardly into the cart. He avoided all conversation with those he passed, keeping his focus, moving quickly. He checked the list, realizing he forgot carrots & he quickly turned around, heading to the produce section.

There was only one other person at the vegetable stand & when Murphy's eyes fell on him, he stopped dead in his tracks. What was Connor doing here? He smiled & his heart warmed, Connor must have come looking for him.

Connor's back was to Murphy, his head bowed as he examined a tomato. Connor didn't even like tomatoes, what the fuck was he doing? He must be trying to hide from Murphy, that's it, maybe to surprise him. Murphy watched him for a few moments, careful not to let his eyes wander, keeping his eyes on the back of his head just in case someone would see him looking.

Murphy wasn't supposed to pretend anymore, he was trying to move on, but he couldn't help himself, sometimes he just had to look. It didn't really hurt anyone if he just looked, it's not like he was fooling himself into thinking Connor would look back, so what harm did it do?

Connor picked up another tomato, turning it around in his hand, and Murphy couldn't stand it anymore. He left his cart & quietly snuck up behind his brother, he'd be the one to do the surprising this time, not Connor.

Murphy wrapped his arms around Connor's upper body, practically jumping on his back as he yelled, "I got you now, Connor!"

"Hey! What are you doing?"

Murphy lost his grip on his brother as he was pushed backwards, almost losing his balance. He looked back at a face he didn't recognize. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Holy shit, this guy wasn't Connor. Murphy's eyes widened as he looked closely at this...this stranger. He was Connor's height & build, maybe just a little heavier, his chest not as broad as Connor's. He had nice arms, though, good biceps. His hair was the exact same color as Conn's, styled just slightly different, not as messy as Connor kept it. His face was fuller & his eyes were a darker color, looking with amusement at the confounded boy in front of him who was standing with his mouth open.

This guy looked so much like Connor that Murphy couldn't help but stare, he didn't mean to, but he couldn't look away.

Murphy could kick himself, he had just grabbed a complete stranger and now he was standing there staring at him like an idiot. Murphy should have known this guy wasn't Connor, even from the back, he should have known. But he had Connor on his mind constantly, everywhere he looked he saw him, even when he looked at strangers he saw him.

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else," Murphy quietly explained, still unable to look anywhere but at those eyes that were so similar to Connor's, yet so completely different.

"Connor, right?"

Murphy nodded slowly, "Yeah. You look a lot like him. I really am sorry."

"Not a problem," the guy said as he began to smile. He had a nice smile, not as nice as Connor's, but still, a nice smile. "I kind of wish I was this Connor. He seems to have quite an effect on you."

Murphy felt his face warm, he could feel a blush begin as he continued to compare this stranger to his brother. He liked the sound of his voice, not quite as deep as Connor's, but it was smooth, almost..._flirty. _

He pushed that thought from his mind, feeling like a delusional jackass. Here he was, pretending some stranger who looked like Connor was flirting with him. He hadn't even completely stopped pretending about Connor, and now he was pretending about a Connor look-a-like.

But still, Murphy wanted to talk to him, trying to think of something clever to say, maybe something funny. He wanted to hear his laugh, wondering if he would sound remotely like Connor, or maybe completely different.

But Murphy's mind was blank. They stood looking at each other for a few awkward moments, Murphy not wanting to leave but not coming up with anything to say.

"Well...um...sorry again. I'll let you get back to the...ah...tomatoes."

Fuck, he sounded like an idiot.

"No need to apologize, I rather liked being grabbed. At least by you." And there was that nice smile again. "Feel free anytime."

Okay, so maybe he wasn't a delusional jackass after all.

He was definitely flirting with Murphy, definitely, and Murphy wanted to flirt back. But Murphy wasn't good at flirting, he hadn't done it enough, he was lucky he even recognized it, let alone be able to do it. He'd never flirted with a guy, he'd only flirted a few times with a girl, just to see if he could do it. But flirting with girls wasn't any fun because he wasn't interested in any girls. But now, here was someone flirting with him...someone he wanted to flirt back with...but he didn't know how.

Murphy shifted on his feet, "I'll get back to you on that." He wanted it to sound coy, maybe sexy even, but to him it sounded just plain stupid. He sighed in frustration, looking away from that smile.

The sound of a soft chuckle pulled Murphy's eyes back to the Connor look-a-like. "I hope you do."

Now Murphy really didn't know what to say, he was completely clueless, he didn't want to sound ridiculous so he just grinned & nodded.

This resulted in another soft chuckle but a much wider smile & Murphy couldn't help but smile back. Murphy hadn't smiled in a long time and it felt odd, but at the same time, it felt wonderful to have that natural smile cross his face.

A lady brushed past them, mumbling something about people leaving carts in the middle of the aisle, and Murphy glanced back at his cart, which the woman had moved to the side.

"I think she's talking about you."

"Probably." Murphy looked back to the cart, realizing he still had a lot of shopping to do, and now he was running late. And on top of that, he still couldn't think of anything interesting to say. "I should probably get going. It was nice talking to you, ah..."

"Just call me Connor," he said with a glint in his eye and a smirk on his face. It took a moment for Murphy to realize he was teasing him, not in a mean way, but in a somewhat flirty way. "Actually, it's Jonathan."

"Jonathan." Murphy nodded, committing his name to memory. "See you later. Jonathan."

Murphy turned & walked quickly to his cart before Jonathan could respond, steering it away from the produce section & down the aisle, away from Jonathan. Just before he rounded the aisle, Murphy glanced over his shoulder, back at the vegetable stand.

Murphy stopped. He froze in place.

Jonathan was watching him walk away with a small smile on his face, and Murphy had caught him watching. Murphy wasn't used to being watched, he was the one always doing the watching, but this time, he was the one being stared at. It felt strange but at the same time, it felt kind of nice to be looked at like that. No one ever looked at him like that, and it felt fucking fantastic. Murphy dropped his head, smiling with happiness, before quickly lifting his eyes back to Jonathan's.

Jonathan smiled & shrugged his shoulders, knowing he was caught but not really caring. He gave Murphy a small wave & when Murphy waved back, Jonathan released the breath he had been holding. He watched as Murphy walked away, glancing back at Jonathan one more time before disappearing around the corner.

Murphy was trying to make up for lost time, he was really late now & he was moving as quickly as he could through the aisles. He caught sight of Jonathan a few times across the store, too far away to talk, but close enough to make eye contact. Each time Murphy saw him, Jonathan was already looking at him, like he knew exactly where Murphy was. And each time their eyes connected, Murphy felt himself blush.

When Murphy reached the cashier, he looked around for Jonathan, wondering if he'd already left. Murphy hadn't seen him for over five minutes, not even across the store, and he felt disappointed.

Snapping of fingers in front of his face pulled his attention back. "I said how's your Ma, Murphy?"

"Oh, sorry. She's good. She said to put this on our account."

The man nodded & began to ring up the purchases. "And Connor? I usually don't see just one of you. It's usually the pair, not the single."

Murphy nodded, glancing over his shoulder again. "Conn's fine. He's at home."

"And school? You doing well?"

"Yup." Murphy turned to look out the store window, trying to see if Jonathan was in the parking lot.

The man moved slower than molasses, his hands slowly placing the items in a bag. "Are you dating anyone?"

"Nah, not right now."

The man placed a bag on the counter, moving on to pack the second bag. "You need to find yourself a nice girl, young man. Connor's got himself a pretty one, you need to find one for yourself."

Murphy nodded, he hated this type of conversation. He didn't want a girl, not even a pretty one, no way. And _Katie_ is a pretty one? Murphy certainly didn't think so, the mere thought of Katie made him want to vomit. He looked one more time over his shoulder, his eyes scanning unsuccessfully.

"You looking for Jonathan?"

Murphy finally looked at the man, "Huh?"

"I said, are you looking for Jonathan? I saw the two of you talking over the tomatoes. Looked like you were hitting it off, at least from what I could see."

Murphy wondered how good the old man's eyesight was, he wondered if he saw the stares, if he could tell Jonathan was flirting with him. Murphy wondered if he saw them looking for each other across the store.

"I was just wondering if he left, s'all," Murphy mumbled, trying to sound nonchalant, like he hadn't just been looking for him so diligently.

"He left a few minutes ago. He was asking about you, though."

Murphy's heart skipped a beat, his heart jumping straight to his throat. "He-he asked about me? Really? What'd he ask?"

The man smiled, not understanding why Murphy suddenly seemed so excited. "Just how often you came in here, where you lived. I told him you didn't come in too often and I didn't tell him where you lived. I figured if you wanted him to know, you'd tell him yourself."

Murphy left the store, feeling both sad & happy at the same time. He met someone who found him attractive, someone who had flirted with him, someone who made him feel good. And he liked Jonathan, he was nice, and there was something about him that made Murphy want to get to know him better.

But he couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever see him again. Today was the first time he'd ever laid eyes on him, they'd never crossed paths before, all he knew was his first name. Jonathan. It was a nice name...Jonathan. Murphy sat on the curb, looking up at the sky, asking God for his path to cross Jonathan's again someday.

Today he'd actually felt happy, he had smiled a real smile, not a fake smile. Today he felt like maybe he could move on and stop pretending he would one day be with Connor. Today he felt like maybe he wouldn't die from heartache.

Maybe, just maybe, he was finally getting over Connor.

* * *

**A/N:** All I'll say is, don't anyone panic. This is not a Murphy/Jonathan love story.


	14. Meeting Jonathan Part 2

Murphy unzipped his backpack & filled it with as many of the groceries that would fit, arranging & stuffing it as full as he could. Along with his backpack, he had a heavy bag of groceries to carry home, and he was dreading the long walk on such a hot day.

As he sat on the curb, his mind drifted to thoughts of the guy he just met in the store…..Jonathan. Murphy liked him, he liked him a lot, and he found himself smiling. Jonathan had been outright flirting with him, and even though it surprised him at first, Murphy ended up liking it more than he thought he would. He'd never had a guy flirt with him before, in fact, he'd never had a guy even _look_ at him like Jonathan did. It made him nervous...but he liked it.

"Hello."

Murphy jumped at the quiet greeting, he'd been lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed someone approach. White tennis shoes were on his left side & he looked up the long legs, past the bulge in the jeans that he wanted to stop & admire, up the flat stomach to the smiling face of Jonathan.

"I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to say hello again."

"Hi." Murphy looked at him with wide eyes & after a moment, he ducked his head. He was so fucking stupid, he couldn't even say anything other than 'hi.'

"Hi...Can I sit with you for a minute?"

Murphy nodded, still not looking at him, he was too nervous to make eye contact. He had hoped to run into Jonathan again sometime but he'd never expected to see him so soon. He thought he'd have time to think of stuff to say, conversations he'd be able to run through in his mind, jokes he'd have ready to make him laugh. But all he could come up with was 'hi.' _Fucking idiot_.

Jonathan sat next to him, not close enough that they were touching but closer than Murphy had expected. They sat in silence for a few moments until Jonathan leaned over & bumped his shoulder against Murphy's.

"How come you didn't get any vegetables?"

Murphy turned to look at him...he was so fucking close. "I guess I forgot." He knew his Ma would kill him for forgetting. He'd have to go back, just for a stupid vegetable.

Jonathan nodded, cocking his head, "Glad I'm not the only one who was distracted. What were you supposed to get?"

For the life of him, Murphy suddenly couldn't remember, not with this guy staring at him like he was. Murphy didn't want to reach into his pocket to check his list, he'd look like an idiot if he did that, but he just couldn't remember.

Jonathan smiled, "It wasn't tomatoes, was it?"

Murphy laughed, he liked having a little joke between them. When he laughed, he relaxed, and then he remembered. "Carrots."

"Carrots...well, I happen to have bought carrots today & I have some extra that I won't need." Jonathan reached into his bag, a bag that Murphy hadn't even noticed, and he pulled out two large carrots, holding them out toward Murphy. "Do you need more than two?"

"No, two is perfect. But are you sure? I don't want to cut you short and I could just go back to the store."

"I have plenty." Jonathan reached for Murphy's bag & unceremoniously placed them inside. Before Murphy could thank him, Jonathan asked, "So, do I really look like this Connor guy?"

Murphy hadn't expected that question, especially so out of the blue, but he couldn't deny the similarity. "A bit...especially from the back."

"Same ass, huh?"

Again, Murphy laughed, "I didn't look." But he wished he had.

"You didn't look at mine or Connor's?"

"Yours," Murphy softly admitted, feeling heat in his face again, his blush deepening. He was certain even his ears were turning red. If Connor was here, he'd be telling him how cute he was.

"Sorry to hear that. I was hoping you thought I had a nicer ass than Connor."

Murphy couldn't make eye contact, he liked this conversation but it embarrassed him. He'd never talked about a guy's ass before, not to anyone, not even Connor. "I guess I'll have to let you know."

It was Jonathan's turn to laugh this time. Murphy stole a quick glance, his laugh was nothing like Connor's, it wasn't as deep or as loud, but it was filled with the same enjoyment. "I think I'll start doing butt exercises, I wouldn't want to disappoint you."

Murphy briefly laughed with him, shocked by how bold Jonathan was, how open he was, how suggestive. Murphy had always hidden his true nature, he'd kept his desires hidden for as long as he could remember, but Jonathan...Jonathan didn't seem to do that.

"Are you like this with everyone?" When Jonathan didn't respond, when he just looked at him with a grin, Murphy continued. "Are you always so...so_ flirty_? With everyone?"

"No, not with everyone. Only with you."

"But how'd you know I'd be interested? I mean...why'd you think I liked b-boys?"

Jonathan wiggled his eyebrows, "Gaydar." When Murphy looked puzzled, Jonathan explained. "You've heard of radar, right? Gaydar is like radar, only better. It told me you liked boys."

"Oh...gaydar, huh?"

Jonathan smirked, nodding slowly, and Murphy smiled at the play on words.

"So, are you over him?" Murphy's smile faded, he wasn't sure what Jonathan was asking. "Connor's obviously your ex, or at the very least, a guy you fell in love with. Am I right?"

A sadness swept over Murphy's face, his eyes reflecting deep pain, his mind again thinking of Connor and how much he still loved him, how much he still wanted him, even now. Murphy had been doing so good, he actually thought maybe he was finally getting over Connor, until Jonathan brought up Connor's name. Then his emotions came roaring back to the surface & Murphy felt his heart tighten painfully.

"He's not my ex."

Jonathan nodded, his eyes trying to give Murphy some form of comfort. "But you fell in love with him."

Murphy had never admitted to anyone that he was in love with Connor, but now that he was being asked, he didn't want to deny it. Not anymore. He nodded, blinking away salty tears before they could fall down his cheeks. Being in love with someone who didn't love him back hurt worse than anything, but at the same time, it felt liberating to finally acknowledge it.

"The best way to get over someone is to be with someone new, someone who makes you smile, someone named Jonathan."

Murphy took a deep breath and he tried to smile. Maybe Jonathan was right...Murphy was trying to move on, but how could he when he was with Connor all the fucking time? Maybe he needed to spend time with someone different, maybe he needed to let someone else into his heart.

Murphy gazed at Jonathan, trying to see his motivations behind his eyes. Jonathan smiled back, his eyes warm & inviting...caring. A lot like Connor's eyes, actually.

"You never did tell me your name. You ran off before I could ask." Jonathan had a way of jumping from subject to subject, keeping Murphy on his toes. "And I'd really like to know what to call you."

"Murphy."

Jonathan's eyes ran over Murphy's face, pausing at his mouth before returning to his eyes. "Murphy. Are you busy Friday night?"

Murphy scoffed and rolled his eyes, looking down at the street with embarrassment. "I'm grounded until Saturday."

Jonathan was amused by Murphy's reaction, not understanding why he'd be embarrassed by being grounded. "What'd you do?"

"I think I'd rather not say." He wasn't about to admit to Jonathan that he had jerked off thinking of Connor & had left cum stains on his sheets. Jonathan would never understand, that much was certain.

"I do love a bad boy," he teased, his voice lilting & suggestive, his eyes again scanning Murphy's face. "What about Saturday night then?"

Murphy didn't know what to say, he didn't know what was happening, what exactly Jonathan was asking him. Was he asking him out? Like on a date? Jonathan was flirting with him, but was he actually serious?

Jonathan could see the confusion on the boy's face, he found it endearing, refreshing. And he decided to be perfectly clear with him, he didn't want any misunderstandings. "I'm asking you out on a date, Murphy. Saturday night, if you don't already have plans."

Murphy didn't have plans, he'd even been told to make himself scarce, so Katie could fuck Connor again. He didn't want to be anywhere near home Saturday night, that's for sure. And going out with Jonathan would keep him away from home, it'd keep his mind from thinking of Connor, it might even be fun.

"I think I'd like that," Murphy whispered so softly that Jonathan barely heard him.

Murphy's first date, with a guy, Saturday night...Murphy nodded, this is called moving on & getting over Connor.


	15. Happiness and Anger

Murphy practically floated all the way home, not caring that he had a goofy smile plastered on his face. He couldn't stop grinning, he had a date...just the thought made him happy. _He had a date_.

Jonathan had wanted to drive him home, he'd been quite insistent actually, but Murphy wouldn't let him. Connor was home, he would have heard Jonathan's car, he might have seen Murphy get dropped off. Murphy wasn't ready to answer his brother's questions about who Jonathan was...and Connor most certainly would have asked.

Murphy didn't want to hurt Jonathan's feelings, he really did like him, and he felt terrible being the cause of that injured look in his eye. But he just couldn't take the chance that Connor would see, he couldn't risk it...not yet, anyway.

Jonathan listened quietly to Murphy's fumbled explanation that "no one knew," he'd pretended his whole life to be something he wasn't...he was afraid his family would find out. He was sorry, _soooo sorry_, but he couldn't let Jonathan drive him home, he just couldn't, no matter how much Murphy wanted him to.

Murphy lowered his eyes when he told him he'd understand if Jonathan wanted to take back his invitation, if he changed his mind, if he just walked away & didn't look back. Murphy would understand, he really would, he wouldn't blame him at all.

When Murphy was done speaking, when he finally whispered his last painful thought, he waited for Jonathan to leave, to stand up & walk away. Murphy braced himself for the words he was certain he would hear...he waited for Jonathan to tell him to fuck off.

But Jonathan didn't walk away, and to Murphy's utter amazement, Jonathan didn't tell him to fuck off either. Instead, Jonathan sat on the curb next to Murphy, silent & unmoving, watching the boy struggle with his emotions & doubts, until he finally gathered his courage & lifted his eyes toward Jonathan.

Murphy looked at him through his dark eyelashes, his gaze filled with trepidation & fear of rejection, and when his blue eyes finally met Jonathan's steady gaze, Murphy sighed in relief. Jonathan's eyes held an understanding & a warmness that Murphy found surprising, he couldn't believe how tenderly Jonathan was looking at him. Murphy never would have expected this reaction, this acceptance, especially in someone he just met.

Jonathan smiled & told him he understood, he'd been afraid to tell people himself at one time. His words were as soft as Murphy's had been, telling the nervous boy that he wasn't going anywhere, he liked Murphy, and no...he hadn't changed his mind. With another push of his shoulder against Murphy's, Jonathan whispered that he could be as discreet as Murphy needed him to be, he was good at keeping secrets.

He'd made it easy for Murphy, he took all the pressure off by offering to pick him up for their date wherever Murphy wanted, anywhere at all. Murphy picked the bus stop a mile down the road, it would be deserted on Saturday night & it was far enough away from his home that Connor wouldn't see him. Jonathan knew where it was & Murphy told him he'd be there at seven.

Jonathan remained sitting on the curb as Murphy started toward home, Jonathan's eyes glued to the dark haired boy as he moved with a grace that was beyond his years. Murphy knew he was watching him, and he prayed he wouldn't trip & make a fucking ass of himself. He glanced over his shoulder a couple times, nervously smiling as Jonathan smiled back, before he sped up his pace, he was so fucking late.

Murphy thought of Jonathan all the way home, wondering what he'd be like on a date, where they'd go, what they'd do. He wondered if Jonathan wanted to kiss him. Murphy beamed...there was no doubt, Jonathan wanted to kiss him, Murphy could tell by how he looked at him, how his gaze constantly drifted to his mouth. He felt that goofy smile on his face once again..._Jonathan wanted to kiss him. _

He wondered how he'd explain to Jonathan who Connor was, how he'd tell him that Connor wasn't just some guy he fell in love with, Connor was his twin brother. How could Murphy possible explain it when he himself didn't really understand it? He pushed it from his mind, when the time was right, he'd tell him, he'd be able to figure it out by then.

He wondered how he got so fucking lucky, why he'd actually been in the right place at the right time. His luck was usually worth shit, but today...today, he'd had the best luck ever. Today, he'd met Jonathan.

Jonathan. His Saturday night date...Jonathan. The boy who wanted to kiss him...Jonathan. His new favorite name...Jonathan.

Murphy and Jonathan...Jonathan and Murphy...he liked the sound of that. The rest of the way home he kept repeating their names in his head, over and over, the same goofy smile on his face as he walked.

* * *

"Where the fuck have ya been, Murphy?"

The goofy smile he'd had on his face disappeared in the blink of an eye, his mind clinging to the warm thoughts of Jonathan as he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes immediately dropping to stare at the ground.

His Ma was standing on the back porch, her hands on her ample hips, her foot tapping loudly against the warped wooden floorboard. Murphy could smell the whiskey from where he was standing, the smell almost making him sick to his stomach as it mixed with her perfume and the stale cigarette she was smoking.

"I'm waiting for an answer. And it better be a fucking good one this time." Her words were slurred & even from where he was standing, he could see her swaying.

"I was at the store, Ma. Remember? You gave me a list and everything." He hoped she'd let it go, he knew he was very late and he wouldn't be able to explain why, not without telling her about Jonathan.

"You want to tell me why it took you two hours to walk home?"

Murphy was perplexed, it didn't take him two hours to walk home, even that time he'd twisted his ankle it hadn't taken him two hours to walk home.

"I called the store. They told me you left at four and it's now after six."

Fuck, he was busted, he had to think quickly. "I stopped to play with Mr. O'Donnell's dog, Ma. Guess I lost track of time."

She scoffed & he knew she didn't believe him, she could always tell when he was lying, but she was just drunk enough to have the slightest bit of doubt. "I was just about to send Connor out looking for you."

This sent a wave of fear through him, he didn't need Connor poking into what he was doing, it was no one's business what he did. Especially now that he met Jonathan.

Annabelle motioned to the door, telling Murphy to put the groceries away before she grounded him for another week. This made Murphy move quicker than he had in a long time, he couldn't get grounded, not when he had a date on Saturday, he'd be on his all- time best behavior.

He tried to duck her swatting hand but she connected to the back of his head as he passed, her ring smacking his head painfully. He hated when she drank too much, she hit harder when she drank, and he was certain she'd smack him again before she left for the pub.

Connor was leaning against the kitchen counter, his eyes on the door as Murphy entered, he'd obviously been listening while he waited. Murphy glanced at his twin before placing the heavy bag & backpack on the table, his hands moving to empty the groceries as quickly as he could.

"You're not gonna say anything, Murph?"

"About what?"

Connor crossed his arms over his chest, shaking his head, and Murphy recognized Connor's '_pissed off'_ look. He really didn't want to deal with Connor's attitude right now, he wanted to be happy again, he wanted to smile again, even if it was a goofy smile.

"About why you're so fucking late."

Murphy grabbed the cleaning items & moved to put them under the sink, "I know you were listening so you know why I was late. I shouldn't have to say it again, not when you already heard."

Connor began to tap his foot, knowing this irritated his brother, "What's your fucking problem today, Murph? Huh? You tracked me down at school to make sure I wasn't mad at you & now it's like you're trying to piss me off on purpose."

Murphy sighed loudly, trying to make a point, although he wasn't sure what point he was actually trying to make. "I'm not trying to piss you off. If I wanted to piss you off, I'd tell you to fuck off, Connor. But keep tapping your fucking foot & I just might tell you to fuck off anyway."

Murphy didn't know why he was so mad at his twin, he had no reason to be, nothing happened. He shouldn't be mad at Connor, but he was.

"Did something happen that you're not telling me?"

Murphy shook his head, pulling more items from his backpack & placing them on the table. "Why don't you just go find something to do & stop bugging me?"

Connor watched his irate brother as Murphy began to slam down cans on the table. He couldn't figure out why Murphy was so pissed off at him. When Murphy left for the store, everything was fine. Something had to have happened that Murphy wasn't telling him.

"I was worried about you, Murph. Not that you fucking care."

Murphy picked up the cans & put them in the cabinet, moving back to the final bag, his hands pulling out the carrots. Murphy couldn't help but smile, the carrots reminded him of Jonathan, and he paused briefly before moving to the icebox.

"What the fuck, Murph? I tell you I was worried about you and you fucking smile?"

Murphy placed the carrots in the crisper, turning back to his brother as he kicked the refrigerator door shut. "That's not why I was smiling, Connor. And why do you always have to be worrying about me?"

"I'm your brother, it's my job. I'm supposed to worry about you."

Murphy finally looked at his brother, his twin, no longer his Connor. He felt a sadness take the place of his anger, why did he still have to love Connor? He didn't want to, not anymore, it hurt too much. He wanted to turn it off but he didn't know how. Everytime he looked at Connor, his heart hurt.

Connor unfolded his arms, his own anger dissipating when he caught the look on Murphy's face. He glanced to the porch, their Ma still outside smoking, and Connor lowered his voice. "Are you still worked up from this morning? Is that it?"

Murphy's own voice was hushed as well, trying not to draw their mother's attention. "You said you wouldn't mention it again, Connor. I told you I was sorry."

"And I told you it wasn't a big deal. But you've been acting funny ever since you did..._that._"

Murphy couldn't deny he'd been acting funny, but not since just this morning. He'd been acting funny since he fell in love with Connor. Only Connor hadn't noticed it until Murphy had humped his leg. And now that Murphy was desperately trying to fall out of love, he didn't know how to treat his brother anymore, he didn't know how to act, what to feel.

"Well you've been acting funny ever since you _watched_ me do..._that._ Why don't you just start making jokes again, Connor? Maybe you'll actually come up with one that's funny."

Connor was baffled by his brother's behavior, his face reflecting his bewilderment, "Why're you so angry at me? What the fuck did I do?"

"That's just it, Connor. You didn't do anything, not one fucking thing."


	16. Broken Heart

**A/N:** This is a long chapter. I was going to break it into 2 separate chapters but there didn't seem to be a good place to do that so I figured what the heck, I'll post the whole thing. I also didn't want to cut it down just to make it a shorter entry, it felt important to have Murphy's entire memory represented. So...here is the next installment.

Also, a shout out to everyone who has read & reviewed this. Your encouragement & support have touched my heart & I thank you most sincerely.

* * *

Dinner was quiet that evening, neither boy speaking much, Connor watching his twin carefully while Murphy stared at his plate, barely eating. Connor watched Murphy push his meatloaf into his mashed potatoes, trying to hide how little he was actually eating, getting away with it because their Ma was too far gone to notice. Ma always said he didn't eat enough and in Connor's opinion, Murphy was too skinny. He thought about saying something, but after their heated words barely an hour ago, he decided to save this argument for when Murphy would be more receptive.

Connor still didn't understand why Murphy was so mad at him, he could feel the anger radiating off his brother and he didn't like that shit one bit, especially when he didn't do anything wrong. Their argument had continued up the stairs & into their room, Connor repeatedly asking what Murphy's problem was & Murphy repeatedly telling Connor to go fuck himself. Finally, after what was probably the hundredth time of Connor asking what was wrong, Murphy stopped talking to Connor altogether. There was silence between them ever since.

Truth be told, Murphy himself didn't understand why he was angry with Connor, he just was. Ever since he came home, Connor's mere presence irritated Murphy, the fact that he was in the room breathing irritated him. Connor didn't do or say anything wrong, nothing happened between them...but maybe that was the problem. Nothing happened between them & Murphy felt hurt in some way, he felt a sense of loss for something he never had but desperately wanted. And he didn't know how to deal with these emotions, other than anger.

Murphy's fork scrapped his plate as he pushed his food around & Connor wondered why Murphy's emotions were all over the place, why he was so quiet, why sadness seemed to permeate his very being. He missed his happy Murph and wanted him back.

"Can I be excused?" Murphy asked, his blue eyes still not leaving his plate, knowing full fucking well that Connor was watching him. Whenever they fought, Murphy would refuse to look at his brother, he just couldn't look at him when he was mad. But Connor...this was the one time when Connor would watch Murphy like a hawk, when his eyes wouldn't leave his brother, not until they made up.

Annabelle mumbled something that Murphy took as an affirmation & he quickly rose from the table, dumping his remaining food in the garbage before practically tossing his plate into the sink with a resounding clank. Connor cringed, thinking Murphy broke the dish, and he was actually surprised it didn't shatter.

"Don't you want any pie, Murph?" Connor tried to sound casual, he knew Murphy loved pie and maybe something sweet would loosen him up.

"Nope" was the one word response, which Connor was lucky to even hear, seeing as Murphy mumbled it as he stalked from the room. The stomping of Murphy's feet on the stairs, which Connor knew was on purpose, was followed by the slamming of their bedroom door.

Connor rolled his eyes, his little brother could be such a fucking baby sometimes, he hated when Murphy acted like this. He just wished he knew what was going on in his brother's head, what was haunting him, why he was treating Connor different, especially lately.

As Connor finished eating, he could hear Murphy stomping around upstairs, and it sounded like Murphy was throwing things. He glanced at the ceiling as an especially loud thump came from above, almost as if by looking up he'd see what his brother was doing. Connor shook his head...Murphy's temper tantrums were somewhat notorious, at least in the MacManus household. But for some reason, this one seemed far worse than normal, this one felt more emotional, more intense, less about anger & more about pain.

Connor watched his mother stumble to the porch for her after dinner cigarette & he began clearing the table, thankful the banging upstairs had stopped. It was his turn to wash the dishes & he hoped that when he was done, Murphy would be calmer, then maybe Connor could talk to him.

* * *

Another one of Connor's shoes flew across the room, loudly smacking the wall before flopping to the floor. Murphy didn't know why it felt so good to throw Connor's stuff around, he hadn't planned on doing that but when he got to their room & saw Connor's shoes on his side of the room, he felt the need to throw them back to their rightful side. Connor always complained about Murphy leaving his stuff around, how he always had to clean up after him, but it was Connor's shoes that weren't where they belonged, not Murphy's.

Having thrown all of Connor's shoes that he could find, Murphy moved to his dresser, looking for one of Connor's precious books. Connor always left whatever book he was reading on Murphy's dresser, he'd done that ever since he learned to read. At first it had been fairy tales, then comic books, until finally Connor graduated to thick novels. When Murphy asked him why he didn't leave his books on his own dresser, Connor laughingly told him Murphy's dresser was closer to the bathroom, where he did his best reading.

Murphy found not one, but two thick books on his dresser, just where his fucking brother left them. Connor never asked if he could leave them there, he just did it, he never asked once. Murphy picked the books up, feeling the heavy weight in his hand but barely glancing at the actual titles, he didn't give a shit whatever stupid book Connor was reading. Murphy took great delight in throwing the books against the wall as hard as he could, one after the other, the books finally joining the shoes in a pile on the floor.

Then Murphy turned to their desk, the desk they were supposed to share but Connor always hogged. Connor's shit was everywhere, his jacket was over the back of the chair like he fucking owned it, his school books were strewn across the top of the desk, pencils & highlighters were everywhere. He thought about taking all of Connor's shit & dumping it on his bed, that would show him. Murphy kicked at the chair as hard as he could, wanting it to crash to the floor along with Connor's jacket. But as the chair began to topple, it banged into the desk, shaking it.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. The chair fell to the floor with a loud thud, Connor's jacket not cushioning the sound in the least. The desk shook, along with everything on it, including the one item that Murphy loved most in the world. That item tipped to the side, as if balancing on a cliff, it teetered and mocked Murphy before falling end over end to the floor.

Murphy reached out, trying to catch it, trying to stop it from hitting the floor, desperately trying to save it. His fingertips actually touched it before gravity yanked it away and he watched it land, cracking into four pieces. He stood staring for a moment, not believing what happened, before kneeling down & gingerly picking up the pieces. He held the pieces in his hand, walking away from the desk & sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the fractured bits. He remembered the day Connor gave it to him, it was the best day of his life, a day he'd never ever forget.

They had just turned fourteen & by then Murphy knew, _he just knew,_ he was in love with Connor. They'd gone out to the field, Connor said he had a surprise for him, and he made Murphy close his eyes as he led him by the hand. Murphy could almost feel Connor's hand even now, the warmth of his skin, his gentle grip, the way his thumb stroked the back of Murphy's hand as they walked. When his hand was in Connor's, Murphy felt like he was home...Connor was his home.

The memory was so vivid, he remembered the sound of the birds, how they called to him as Connor led him to the middle of the field. He remembered the feeling of the grass & dirt under his feet, trusting that Connor wouldn't let him trip & fall. He remembered the warm breeze as it blew through his hair, Connor whispering that his hair was too long. But what he remembered most was Connor. Connor's voice...Connor's laugh...Connor's smell. And when he opened his eyes, Connor's beautiful face.

Connor was smiling at him, the sunlight making his hair look like spun gold, his eyes watching Murphy's face, waiting for him to see what he'd done. A blanket was on the ground, the one from Connor's bed, and on top of the blanket was a large picnic basket. Connor pulled at Murphy's hand, telling him that he was about to be spoiled, spoiled in a way that only Connor could do.

Murphy sat on the blanket & Connor knelt in front of him, his hands untying Murphy's shoelaces. Murphy watched quietly as Connor removed his shoes, tossing both his shoes over his shoulder with a flourish. Murphy laughed out loud, Connor could put on quite a show, but he quieted down when Connor removed his socks & gently squeezed each foot. Murphy didn't know what to say, he opened his mouth, thinking he should say _something,_ but Connor hushed him as he removed his own shoes & socks. It was hot in the sun & their shirts quickly joined their shoes.

"Close your eyes, Murph," Connor whispered as he reached for the basket, Murphy instantly obeying. "No peaking."

"I'm not."

Murphy could hear Connor removing items from the basket & he tried to be patient as he waited, listening to his brother rustle & move about. Patience was never one of Murphy's strong points, and the excitement about whatever Connor was doing made Murphy fidget & squirm.

"Take it easy, I'm almost done. Only a few more minutes, Murph. Remember, patience is a virtue."

"Patience fucking sucks. C'mon, Conn, I'm dying. Hurry up."

Connor laughed, one of those soft, amused laughs that Murphy heard often. It was one of his most favorite sounds in all the world. "I should make you wait longer but I won't, just because I love you."

Murphy never got tired of hearing Connor say he loved him, he just wished Connor would say he was _in _love with him. "I love you too, Conn. Now fucking hurry up."

Another soft Connor laugh & a little more rustling before Murphy inhaled a sweet scent, a familiar scent, a scent that made him take a deep breath. Hyacinth...Murphy smelled hyacinth. He couldn't help but open his eyes, it was his favorite flower & he shouldn't be able to smell it in the middle of this field.

A hyacinth bouquet was in front of him, bound together clumsily with a piece of rope, but it was the most beautiful bouquet Murphy had ever seen. The colors were varied & bright, Connor taking great effort in trying to make the bouquet as pretty as possible, as special as possible.

No one had ever given Murphy flowers before, not ever. And no one since. Murphy felt tears threatening...Connor gave him flowers, and not only flowers, but his favorite flower, he'd made him the most beautiful, the most perfect bouquet he'd ever seen.

"What's this for?" Murphy couldn't help but ask.

"I told you. I'm spoiling you today."

Murphy took the flowers from his brother, pulling them to his nose & inhaling deeply, looking at Connor from over the top of the flowers, still trying his best not to cry. Connor watched him with a smile on his face & Murphy mumbled a soft 'thank you, Conn' from behind the flowers.

Connor again laughed his little amused laugh, his eyes dancing with merriment. "Don't get all shy on me, Murph. I'm not done yet."

Connor began removing food from the basket, handing a sandwich to his brother, tossing a bag of chips on the blanket, all without making eye contact. "I'm sorry. This isn't too fancy, Murph," Connor quietly mumbled as if embarrassed.

Connor wasn't usually like this, nervous almost, and Murphy thought he was just adorable. Seeing a side of Connor he rarely saw felt like a rare gift. "I don't need fancy, Connor. It's really special what you did. And I think it's just perfect."

"You haven't eaten your sandwich yet, you might change your mind," Connor warned, smiling as he again made eye contact with his brother.

"Never."

"We'll just see about that. Now shut the fuck up & eat your sandwich. Fucking idiot."

Sandwiches were unwrapped & Murphy laughed, peanut butter & jelly was certainly not fancy, but because Connor made it just for him, it was the best sandwich he'd ever tasted. They quietly chewed on their sandwiches & shared the chips, Murphy smiling widely every time he looked at Connor.

"You want something to drink?" Connor quietly asked, his voice holding a hint of something that Murphy didn't understand, as if he had a secret.

"Sure. Whatever you packed is good."

A subtle nod, followed by a smirk, followed by Connor reaching for the basket. Murphy was intrigued, his brother obviously had something planned, and Connor was like a little kid when his plan came together.

Two wine glasses were pulled out, Connor handing them to his brother before pulling out a dark bottle of wine, holding it up for Murphy's inspection. Murphy's eyes widened, where did Connor get a bottle of wine? Their Ma didn't drink wine, there wasn't even a bottle of wine in the house, so he couldn't have gotten it from home.

"Want some, brother mine?"

"Conn. How'd you get a bottle of wine?"

"Where there's a will, there's a way. Want some?"

Murphy really didn't like wine, not at all, not one little bit. He was surprised Connor didn't know this, he thought Connor knew everything about him, everything except his true feelings, that is. But Connor had gone to so much effort, he'd done so much to make Murphy feel special, to spoil him. Murphy wasn't about to ruin it, he'd drink whatever Connor gave him, no matter how terrible it was. If Connor served him horse piss, he'd drink it with a smile on his face.

"Sure."

"Don't be so enthusiastic," Connor said, his face reflecting a mock hurt expression. He stuck his lip out in a pout, dropping his head at the same time as he gazed at his twin with sad puppy eyes. "My feelings are hurt, Murph. Real bad."

Connor's eyes got him every single time. They were so expressive, even when he was faking it, and they made Murphy melt & feel weak all over. If Murphy didn't want to jump his bones before, he'd definitely want to jump his bones after seeing that look on his face. And if Connor didn't stop looking at him in _that way, _with those huge fucking eyes, Murphy wouldn't be able to control himself much longer.

"Stop, Connor. Please...you need to stop." Murphy practically whined, not wanting his dick to stiffen any further, it had grown half-hard in the last minute & he could feel it begin to pulse as it started to push against his zipper. He really didn't need a stiffie right now, not with Connor right there.

Even though Murphy knew he was faking the hurt look, even though he knew Connor was only acting, it was still a relief when Connor lifted his head & smiled, "All right, you big baby, I'll stop."

Murphy sighed in relief, shifting in his seat to allow his cock more room in his pants that it suddenly needed. It was bad enough he got hard almost hourly, but now he was getting hard whenever Connor looked at him. His dick seemed to always spring to life whenever Connor was near.

"You wanna pull it or shall I do the honor?"

Murphy had to have heard wrong, there's no way he just heard Connor asking who should pull on his dick, no fucking way. Murphy chewed his lip, not sure if he should answer his twin, not sure if he was ready for Connor to actually touch _it. _But just in case, he didn't want to turn him down either.

"You pull it, Conn." Murphy's voice sounded breathy, he could barely breathe, his eyes unblinking as he waited for Connor to reach for his pants, to unzip his fly, to take his now hard prick out.

"You sure?"

"Fucking pull it, Connor."

Connor chuckled, looking at his brother with awe. "You sure are eager."

Murphy nodded, he definitely was eager, without a doubt. Murphy watched Connor dip his hand into the basket, pulling out a corkscrew, and realization hit him. Connor was talking about pulling the cork, not the cock, the stupid fucking cork from the wine bottle.

Murphy was lucky Connor was concentrating on the bottle and not looking at his face, Murphy's crestfallen look would have given him away. He quickly recovered before Connor noticed, although his dick hadn't softened at all, and he watched as his twin worked on the cork. With seemingly great effort, Connor pulled the cork from the wine bottle, holding the cork out for his brother.

"What?"

"Sniff it."

"What do you mean, sniff it? Why?" Murphy didn't want to sniff it, what if it smelled funny.

Connor moved it closer to his face, his tone one of extreme patience. "You're supposed to sniff it, Murph, like in the movies."

Murphy shook his head, "You sniff it."

"I brought this out here just for you, the least you can do is sniff the fucking cork. Now come on, you wanker, sniff it." Connor shook his hand, twisting the cork in his fingers, "Come on."

Connor was right, he'd done a lot, he'd been sweet & thoughtful. All he wanted was Murphy to sniff the cork, no big deal, it really was the least he could do. He held the wine glasses in one hand, by their stems, and reached for his brother's hand, taking the cork from his fingers. He held Connor's eyes as he moved it to his nose, sniffing lightly at first, but after smelling absolutely nothing, he took a deeper breath.

"Well?" Connor prompted.

"Well what?"

"After you sniff it, you're supposed to say something about how it smells. Like, 'it's a good vintage,' or how robust it smells. You know, shit like that."

Murphy smelled it again. Nope, still didn't smell like anything. "I guess it's a good vintage."

"You think so?"

Another sniff. "Yup, great fucking vintage, Conn. The best."

Connor nodded at his brother's appraisal. "Glad to hear you say that. This is from the finest hills in all of Ireland, Murph. You're gonna love this, I promise."

Murphy held the glasses & Connor tipped the bottle, liquid pouring into the first wine glass. Murphy was confused as he watched it pour out. It wasn't white, it wasn't red, it wasn't even what they called blush, or rose. It was brown.

"Conn...there's something wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, Murph." He moved to pour the liquid into the second glass before recorking the bottle, putting it back in the basket. Murphy inspected the liquid a little closer, swirling it in the glass. It was thick, it was creamy, it looked a lot like...

"Chocolate milk, Conn?"

Connor broke into a fit of laughter, his face lighting up with joy as he took a glass from Murphy's hand. "Aye, Murph, chocolate milk just for you. From the finest cows in all of Ireland."

Murphy laughed lightly, still confused, "But...but why was chocolate milk in a wine bottle?"

Connor clinked his glass lightly against Murphy's, stating the obvious. "For fun. Cheers, Murph."

Murphy couldn't help but laugh, he loved when Connor was playful, he was so adorable when he was like this, he was quirky, he was sweet…..he was downright sexy. "Cheers, Conn."

They ate between their laughter, drank chocolate milk between their smiles, and Murphy felt his dick finally softening in his pants just before they relaxed on their backs next to each other, their bare shoulders lightly touching. Connor pointed to the clouds, telling Murphy what shapes he saw, Murphy laughing when Connor said one cloud in particular looked like what the girls at school stuffed into their bras.

"How the fuck would you know?" Murphy spit out between his laughs.

"Fuck you, I know shit."

"Oh...well that explains it."

Connor smacked him in the stomach as Murphy laughed harder, his stomach hurting from both eating too much & laughing too much.

"Thanks for today, Conn. It was a grand day."

Connor sat up, looking down at his reclining other half. Murphy looked tired but happy, and Connor liked seeing Murphy happy. "You think it's over, do ya?"

"It's not?"

Connor pursed his lips, his perfect full lips, his fucking kissable lips, and slowly shook his head.

"What else is there? Conn?"

Connor pulled the picnic basket to his side, grinning like a Cheshire cat, reaching inside but stopping before pulling his hand out. Murphy had begun to sit up, his eyes on the basket, wondering what Connor had up his sleeve.

"Who told you to sit up? Lay back down, Murph, and close your eyes."

Murphy exhaled loudly, trying to sound annoyed, but this only made Connor smile more. Connor raised his eyebrows & waited, he could wait all fucking day if he had to. They stared at each other for a moment until Murphy finally relented, he knew he wouldn't win this battle of wills, Connor had the upper hand & Murphy was eager to learn what else Connor had planned. Murphy laid down & closed his eyes, his lips turned up at the corners, feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"That's better. Now here's the real reason I brought you out here." And Murphy felt something cold & heavy on his bare chest, Connor placing it gently over his heart. Murphy opened his eyes & reached for whatever Connor had placed there, sitting up as he held it in his palm.

It was a heart, a beautiful ruby red heart, smooth & flawless.

"I made this for you," Connor said in the quietest voice.

"You made this? For _me_?"

Connor nodded, he was taking an art class in school and he had to make something for the person he loved the most, something to show how much love he had in his heart.

"It's beautiful, Connor."

Murphy studied it, smiling as he realized the love & detail Connor put into the gift, just for him. It must have taken hours for Connor to mold it into shape, to make it so smooth & perfect, to paint coat after coat of deep red onto its surface. But the best part, the part Murphy knew took the longest, was the one detail that meant the most.

On one side of the heart Connor had delicately inscribed 'Murphy' and on the other, 'Connor.'

"We're two halves of a whole, Murph. One side is you & the other is me. Forever."

The tears that had threatened to fall earlier now overflowed Murphy's eyes, dripping onto the heart, one after the other. Connor made this, with his own hands, just for him.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, Murph. Don't be sad."

Murphy lifted his head, tears running down his face but his mouth in a proud smile as he held the heart close to his chest. Murphy looked at his brother & felt his heart nearly burst, he felt warm all over, he just received the best gift anyone had ever given him, and it came from Connor. He felt a love for Connor that was beyond words.

"I'm just so happy, Connor. Thank you...I'll treasure it forever."

Connor reached up & wiped the tears from Murphy's cheeks, his touch gentle and loving. "Fuck, Murph. I hate when you cry."

And now Murphy sat on the edge of his bed, his own heart shattered much like the broken heart he held in his palm, destroyed because of his carelessness, his lack of control...destroyed because he was being a fucking jerk.

Instead of tears of joy, he shed bitter tears of regret. Instead of his heart overflowing with absolute happiness, he felt his heart break more with every pounding beat. He'd broken the most important gift he'd ever received, he'd broken the gift that Connor made just for him, he'd broken the one thing he promised to always treasure.

Murphy slid down to the floor, pulling his knees close to his body & wrapping his arms around them as he began to sob, his hand still clutching tightly to the broken heart, its sharp edges cutting into his skin. He never heard Connor come up the stairs, he never heard the door open, he never saw Connor's shocked expression as he first noticed the mess Murphy had made and then he noticed the mess that was his brother.

But he felt Connor's arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace. He heard Connor's soft voice asking what happened & when he got no response, he heard Connor whispering over & over that everything would be all right. And he felt Connor kissing his head as he shook in his arms.


	17. Aftermath

Connor tried to get Murphy to talk to him about what happened, about what he was feeling...about _anything_. But Murphy would only frown & look away, shaking his head while tears ran from his eyes, refusing to talk to his twin about whatever was going on in his head.

Connor had been shocked beyond comprehension when he'd entered their bedroom, but not because Murphy had thrown Connor's things angrily across the room. Connor fully expected his emotional other half to have done that, it was a very _'Murphy'_ type of reaction & he'd expect no less. Anger was the emotion Murphy dealt with the easiest, it was the emotion that would rear its ugly head whenever he was overwhelmed and unable to process how he felt.

What had shocked Connor was seeing his brother curled up on himself, his sobs loud, even though he tried to stifle them. Connor felt his mouth hang open at the sight, his own eyes filling with salty tears as he watched the person he loved most in this world break down. Connor forgot all about the anger he felt earlier, he forgot all about his stuff that Murphy had thrown around their room, all he could think about was Murph. He moved without hesitation to his brother's side, crouching next to him & putting his arm around his shoulder, trying to ease his suffering but not knowing how, not realizing that his mere presence was more of a comfort than any words could ever be.

"Murph...what happened?"

But Murphy didn't respond, he just cried harder...and louder. Connor was scared, he'd never seen Murphy like this before. His brother leaned into his body & Connor held him as tight as he could as Murphy's body shook against him.

"It's okay...it'll be all right, I promise. It'll be all right." Connor didn't know what to do, he thought about getting their Ma but he didn't want to leave Murph alone, not even for a few minutes. He felt Murphy's fingers clutch his shirt tightly, pulling Connor even closer. "It'll be fine, you'll see, it'll be just fine."

Connor stroked Murphy's back, his hand firm but gentle at the same time, his lips kissing his brother's head over & over as his tears overflowed his eyes & wet Murphy's hair. He tried not to cry, he tried to be strong for Murph, but he couldn't stop his own tears from falling, not when his twin was so emotionally overwrought.

Connor held Murphy, gently rocking him, whispering soft words in his ear, still not knowing why his twin was so distraught. Connor felt Murphy's shaking slow & then finally stop. He heard the sobs quiet down, the whimpers diminish, the grip on his shirt lessen. But still he held Murphy tight, waiting for Murphy to decide when to let go.

After what felt like a torturous eternity, Murphy finally let go of Connor, slowly leaning away from him with his head down, wiping at his face with his sleeve. Connor reluctantly let go, he didn't want to, he wanted to hold Murphy a bit longer, but it was time to find out what happened. He quickly wiped at his own face with his sleeve, his eyes studying Murphy as his twin tried to hide his face.

That's when Connor noticed the blood coming from Murphy's hand, the hand that he'd kept clenched around something that was cutting his skin. Connor took Murphy's wrist in his hand, surprised that his brother didn't pull away. "Show me, Murph."

Murphy shook his head, refusing to let Connor see but not pulling away either. Murphy's fingers remained wrapped around something that fit in his hand, something with red bits poking between his bloody fingers, something that was familiar, something that meant the world to his twin.

The heart...it was the heart he'd lovingly made for Murph years ago...the one he'd given him that day in the field. The heart that Murphy said he'd always treasure.

"Oh, Murph," Connor quietly said, knowing his brother must have broken it by mistake during his temper tantrum, that explained the extreme reaction he'd walked in on. "It's okay."

Murphy shook his head as he sniffed, his voice barely a whisper. "I broke it, Conn. I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't mean to."

"I know...it's okay."

"No, it's not, it's not okay. It's not."

Connor's fingers moved to Murphy's, gently prying them open & removing the broken bits from his hand. The heart was still the ruby red color it originally had once been but it was faded in places from Murphy rubbing his fingers over it through the years, most noticeably over Connor's name. Other than the fact that it was freshly broken into four pieces, it had obviously been cared for & loved. Connor winced, the pieces had Murphy's blood on them.

"Murph, listen to me. You don't need this ceramic heart to know how much I love you. My heart belongs to you, it always has. Don't you know that?"

Murphy stared at Connor, his eyes slowly blinking, and Connor wondered what exactly was going on behind those eyes, those eyes that held and hid so much.

Murphy looked down at Connor's hand, at the broken heart his brother now held. How ironic...Connor held Murphy's broken heart in his hand. The symbolism wasn't lost on Murphy, the irony cutting him like the pieces of that broken heart.

Murphy took a shuddering breath, maybe this was a sign of some kind. Maybe God was telling him it was time to let go, his heart was broken enough, it was time to accept the situation for what it was. Connor wasn't his lover, he never would be, he wasn't his beloved, he wasn't _'the one.'_ Connor was his brother, his twin...nothing more. And Murphy had to accept that, once and for all, enough was enough. Murphy closed his eyes, trying to convince himself to listen to God.

Connor pulled on his arm & he let Connor lead him to the bathroom, he let Connor wash the blood from his hand, he let Connor wash his blood from the ceramic heart. He sat on the edge of the tub, a towel held to his hand as he watched his brother dry the broken crockery.

Connor knelt in front of Murphy, between his legs, and took the towel from his hand. He smeared antibacterial cream over his palm before wrapping gauze around his hand, tucking the end underneath the gauze to secure it. Then Connor surprised his brother. He leaned down & gently kissed Murphy's palm, not once, but twice.

When they were little kids, whenever Murphy got hurt, Connor always kissed his boo-boos...always. Even if their Ma was the one to bandage him up, he still wanted Connor to kiss it & make it better. And if Connor wasn't home, he'd wait at the window for him & rush to the door when he saw him approaching, Connor immediately kissing whatever injury Murphy had. Connor always made it better, Connor made _everything_ better, this time being no exception.

Murphy tried to smile for his brother, Connor watching his face for a sign that he was okay, a sign that he could stop watching him so closely. Murphy nodded, satisfying Connor somewhat, and they stood together. Connor picked up the broken ceramic pieces & put them in his pocket before leading Murphy back to their room.

Together they began to clean up the mess & when they were done, Murphy noticed the books he had thrown across the room were now on Connor's dresser. Murphy moved with a sense of determination, Connor wondering what he was doing, Murphy taking those heavy books & putting them in their rightful place, on his own dresser.

"That's where they belong, Connor."

Connor nodded in response, the room back to normal, looking like hurricane Murphy had never passed through. Murphy wanted to ask what Connor would do with the broken heart that was now in his pocket, afraid he'd throw it out...even though it was broken, Murphy didn't want it tossed into the garbage like it was nothing. But he was too afraid to bring the subject up, too afraid he'd cry again, so he said nothing, trusting Connor to do whatever he felt was right.

"You wanna talk about what has you so upset, Murph?"

Murphy didn't want to talk about it, he wanted to forget how he felt, how he loved, _who_ he loved. "I'm okay now, Connor. Honest."

He really wasn't, he was still a mess inside, but maybe if he said it enough, maybe he'd start to believe it.

* * *

Friday was a normal day for the MacManus brothers...school, home, dinner. All passing without incident, Murphy doing his best to act normal, Connor still watching him. Friday was Murphy's last day of being grounded & he happily finished the last of his chores before watching tv quietly with his brother. Connor made popcorn that night, what he called 'The Connor Special,' Murphy finding it funny that Connor had a special name for what was essentially just buttered popcorn.

They sat side by side, Murphy not even noticing what was on tv, his mind preoccupied. Usually he would focus on Connor, on how their hands touched as they reached for popcorn at the same time, how Connor sounded when he laughed at the tv, how close Connor was sitting. But tonight Murphy was thinking of something else. Tonight he was thinking about what would happen Saturday night...with Jonathan.

Murphy knew he wouldn't be good company, he didn't have anything to talk about, he didn't even have anything decent to wear. He should just cancel, let Jonathan off the hook, Jonathan would be better off without him anyway. But then he realized he had no way of reaching Jonathan, they hadn't exchanged phone numbers, Murphy didn't even know where he lived. He couldn't cancel if he couldn't reach him.

And Murphy didn't want to stand him up either, he'd been so nice, he didn't deserve to be stood up...Murphy couldn't do that to him, he _wouldn't_ do that to him, he'd meet Jonathan like they'd planned.

He glanced at his brother, Connor oblivious to his twin as he focused on what he was watching, shoving popcorn into his mouth, licking butter from his fingers. Murphy watched Connor's tongue dart out from between his perfect lips & he thought of licking Connor's fingers, putting them in his mouth & just sucking on them. Murphy quickly looked away before all his blood rushed to his dick, he wasn't about to let himself think of Connor like that anymore, he had to be strong.

Jonathan, he'd focus on Jonathan. Murphy felt himself smile, he really did like Jonathan and the more he thought about him, the more he wanted to see him again. He liked everything about him, how he talked, how funny he was, how he looked. Other than Connor, Jonathan was the best looking guy Murphy had ever seen.

He wished he could ask Connor for advice, he didn't know how he should act, should he let Jonathan kiss him if he tried? Or worse, what if Jonathan didn't try at all, what should he do then?

Murphy was scared, he was scared something would happen between him & Jonathan, he was scared he'd fall in love with someone other than Connor. Deep down he didn't want to love anyone other than Connor...but deep down he knew it might happen. He could actually fall in love with Jonathan.

* * *

Connor's soft chuckle woke Murphy from his sleep the next morning.

"You having a good dream there, Murph?"

Murphy slowly opened his eyes, he was on his back with a raging hard-on making its presence known between his legs, his dick lifting his sheet straight into the air. He had been dreaming of sucking Connor's buttery fingers which quickly turned into dreaming of sucking Connor's huge dick.

Murphy rolled away from the sound of another amused chuckle from his brother, trying to hide what he knew Connor had seen.

"Don't cum in your bed, Murph."

"Fuck off, Connor," Murphy mumbled, getting out of bed & moving to the bathroom as quick as he could. He kicked the door shut & shoved his hand past the waistband of his boxers, taking a firm hold of his dick. It practically jerked in his hand, his fingers wrapping around it, causing it to throb even harder. He moved his hand in a fast rhythm, pulling & twisting, his thumb gliding across the precum at the tip of his dick.

His other hand pushed his boxers off his body & he kicked them to the side, his eyes closing as he stroked himself. He tried not to think of Connor, it was bad enough he'd dreamt of him, but all he could think about was sucking Connor off, Connor's dick between his lips, Connor cumming in his mouth.

He tried to stay silent, he tried not to make a sound, but his moan could not be contained & his voice echoed in the bathroom. His balls felt heavy with the need to shoot his load, his free hand gripping the edge of the sink, his breaths in hard gasps.

Murphy fell apart with the thought of tasting Connor's cum, his own cum shooting from his dick in thick streams, covering his hand. He leaned over the sink, his hand still clutching his prick as it began to soften, and he cursed himself.

He couldn't help that he dreamt of Connor, he couldn't help that he got hard from that dream, it was beyond his control. But he shouldn't have thought about blowing Connor after he woke up...that he could have controlled, that he shouldn't have done. Next time he'd think of Jonathan, it would be Jonathan's face he'd picture looking down at him, it would be Jonathan's prick he'd imagine sucking, not Connor's...Jonathan's hot cum spurting in his mouth...definitely not Connor's.

"You done yet, Murph? I gotta take a piss." Connor began banging on the door, jarring Murphy from his thoughts, his limp dick flopping free from his sticky grip.

"Don't come in, Connor." Murphy hastily turned on the water, rinsing his hand in the sink, washing the cum from his fingers. "Just a minute."

"Hurry the fuck up in there. Just rinse your fucking hand & let me in."

Connor must have heard...even though Murphy tried to be quiet, Connor still probably heard. Murphy felt a blush begin as he pulled his boxers back on, quickly inspecting the floor, the wall, the side of the sink for any cum stains. He gave his body a glance in the mirror before moving to the door & pulling it open, practically knocking Connor down as he moved past him.

Connor smacked his arm as he walked by, "You better not have left any sticky remnants in there, Murph."

Murphy glared at his brother, Connor could be such a fucking jerk sometimes, he just had to say some smart ass comment about what Murphy had just done. Before he could think of a witty retort, Connor disappeared into the bathroom, the door thumping shut behind him.

* * *

"I need to talk to you, Murph. About tonight."

Murphy had expected this conversation, he had wondered when Connor would finally get the nerve to say something. It was almost noon, it took him longer than he thought it would.

"I know all about tonight, Connor."

Connor's expression was priceless, Murphy had shocked him. "What?"

Murphy took a deep breath & braced himself to say the words he hated to even think about. "Katie's coming over. And you're gonna _fuck _her again." He almost choked on the word 'fuck.'

Connor's eyes widened, he struggled to put the pieces together, his face reflecting confusion.

"It's okay, Conn. You can fuck her all you want tonight...I won't be home. Just let me know what time she'll be gone so I don't walk in on you."

Connor spoke slower than Murphy usually heard, his words soft as if he was trying to spare his brother's feelings somehow. "She should be gone by midnight. How'd you know she was coming over, Murph? I don't remember telling you."

"You didn't...Katie told me." Murphy actually enjoyed the surprised look on his brother's face, Connor obviously had no idea what Katie had said to him. But then again, Connor didn't know most of the things Katie said to Murphy.

"Oh. When?"

"Remember the other day when I tracked you down at school? When you were avoiding me?" Connor nodded, his eyes pained at the memory of how he had avoided his twin. "She told me to make myself scarce. So I'll be scarce."

"She actually said that to you?"

Murphy nodded, seeing anger in his brother's eyes, anger directed at Katie. "You can have the house to yourself all night. I'll make sure I don't come home before midnight."

"Oh...thanks." The awkward silence was unusual between the brothers, Connor wasn't usually shocked into silence and Murphy didn't feel like making an effort at talking, he was too angry about Katie and too nervous about Jonathan.

"I was actually going to ask if you wanted to go to dinner with us, before Katie comes over. I'm leaving about five."

Shit...Murphy hadn't thought about Connor being in a restaurant on Saturday night. What if Murphy was at the same restaurant with Jonathan? What if Connor saw him?

"So where are you going?" Murphy asked, holding his breath, hoping it wasn't a place Jonathan would be interested in.

"The usual."

Murphy exhaled, Connor was a creature of habit, of course he'd go to his usual restaurant. Murphy would just make sure he & Jonathan didn't go to the same place, he couldn't run into his brother with his date. "Thanks, but I can't. I have to be somewhere by seven & I can't be late. But thanks all the same."

Murphy tried to walk away before Connor would ask, Murphy knowing the question would come from his brother's mouth, and he only took one step before the inevitable question was posed. "So what are your plans?"

Murphy stopped & shrugged.

"Don't you know?"

Actually, Murphy didn't know, he just knew he had plans. He had no idea what they would do, where they would go...he only knew who he'd be with.

"I'm kind of playing it by ear."

"I see. But you said you have to be somewhere by seven...and you couldn't be late. Sounds like something specific, Murph."

Connor was such a bloodhound when he sensed his twin was hiding something, he would dissect everything Murphy said, he'd dig until he found his answers. But Murphy wasn't about to let Connor know about Jonathan.

"Not really. I-I'm just meeting someone at seven, s'all. No big deal."

Connor's eyes narrowed, he could always tell when his twin was being evasive, and Murphy was definitely being evasive. "Who are you meeting?"

Murphy just knew Connor wouldn't stop, he had to know every little fucking thing about his life, but this was none of his business. Murphy didn't have a lie ready, he hadn't thought one up yet that his brother would believe, and now he was backed into a corner. But Murphy knew how to get Connor to stop.

"Back the fuck off, Connor. Just be happy I'm letting you have the house to yourself so you can fuck your _stupid_ girlfriend tonight." Murphy hadn't meant to sound so irate, he didn't mean for his voice to be so loud, it just happened. Connor's eyebrows went skyward, his mouth opened to respond but Murphy cut him off. "I really don't need the third fucking degree from you so just back the fuck off."

"Okay, Murph, okay. Sorry."

Connor quietly left his brother alone, just like Murphy knew he would. He hated having to yell at Connor but he had no choice, he had to do it or Connor would have kept asking questions. But at least he got his twin to back off...now he could focus on tonight, on his date...on Jonathan.


	18. Suspicion

**A/N:** Thank you to those that reviewed, favorited & followed this story. I wish I could give each one of you the MacManus of your choice.

* * *

Murphy kept his eye on the clock, it was almost five, almost time for Connor to leave. Murphy could hear his brother bumbling around upstairs in their room & he hoped Connor wasn't running late.

Murphy was meeting Jonathan at the bus stop at seven. It was a half hour walk and he didn't want to be late, he didn't want Jonathan to think he wasn't coming, so he planned on leaving the house no later than 6:15, that way he'd be sure to be on time. He still had to shower & figure out what to wear and he couldn't do that with Connor home, he'd ask too many questions...questions Murphy didn't want to answer.

He tried to relax on the couch but it was impossible, he was too nervous thinking about seeing Jonathan again. He thought about going upstairs to see if his brother was almost ready to leave but that might actually delay him, Connor would be suspicious & he'd wonder why Murphy was in a hurry to get rid of him. He was just about to pace once again when Connor came thumping down the stairs..._about fucking time. _

"You sure you won't change your mind & tag along, Murph? You could eat with us & then go do whatever it is you have planned. You have two hours before you have to meet whoever it is you're meeting."

Murphy knew this was Connor's not so subtle way of trying to find out Murphy's plans without directly asking, Connor could be so transparent sometimes. "No thanks Conn, maybe next time."

Murphy glanced at the clock, it was now almost ten after five, he had to get Connor to leave, he had to get ready for his date. Why the fuck was Connor still standing there, just looking at him, why wasn't he leaving?

Connor caught Murphy's glance & he wondered why his twin seemed eager to have him leave, why he kept glancing at the clock...something was definitely going on. "You have a hot date or something, Murph?"

"Huh?"

Connor smirked, Murphy looked almost guilty, almost like Connor hit the nail on the head. But that couldn't be it, if Murphy had a date, why would he hide it? "You seem pretty nervous, like you're hiding something from your big brother."

This made Murphy laugh, a nervous little giggle almost, and he glanced down to Connor's feet. "I'm not hiding anything, Connor. Honest."

And there it was, Murphy's tell-tale "lying to Connor" sign...he was staring at Connor's feet, something he always did when he fibbed to his brother. Combine that with the fact Murphy didn't argue about being older and it was an open & shut case...Murphy was obviously guilty. Now all Connor had to do was figure out what Murphy was lying about, what he was hiding...and why.

"You fucking liar, I _know_ you're hiding something. What are you doing tonight that you don't want me to know?"

Murphy couldn't figure out how Connor knew he was lying, his voice sounded sincere, his words didn't falter, he didn't even stutter, not once. "I'm not lying."

Connor tapped his foot a couple times, the fucking bastard, he was making a point. Murphy had to remember not to stare at Connor's feet when he lied.

"You're delusional, Connor, you really are."

"All right, Murph...all right. You're just lucky I have to leave or I'd pin you to the floor & tickle it out of you."

Murphy wanted to say something sarcastic but Connor would take that as a challenge & he might try to wrestle with him, Connor never could resist a challenge. And as much as Murphy liked rolling around on the floor with Connor, he really couldn't spare the time right now. Connor cocked his head when Murphy just stood there, he had expected a _'fuck off'_ at least, but Murphy remained uncharacteristically quiet. He just wanted Connor to fucking leave already.

Connor moved slowly toward the door, his eyes still on Murphy, those eyes that knew he was hiding something, those eyes that Murphy still got lost in. "Guess I'll go now, seeing as you still won't tell me what you're up to. But I will find out, Murph, you know you can't keep secrets from me."

That's where Connor was wrong. Murphy had kept the biggest, most damaging secret from his twin, he kept secret the one thing he was too afraid to utter out loud. He had kept his love for Connor secret for years.

* * *

His clothes were all shit, complete fucking shit.

Murphy rummaged through his dresser one more time, as if by some miracle the perfect shirt would present itself. He wanted to look nice for Jonathan, but everything he had was either ugly or didn't fit right...he hated every fucking thing he owned.

He slammed the drawer shut, his eyes falling on Connor's dresser. Maybe Connor had something he could wear, they sometimes wore each other's clothes, Connor wouldn't mind.

Murphy found the perfect shirt in the first drawer & he pulled it out with a smile, smoothing it with his hand. He didn't know why Connor hardly ever wore it, Murphy thought it was nice but Connor said it was too dressy. He placed it on his bed, stepping back & examining it. The shirt may be dressy, but for a first date Murphy thought it would be just right, classy even.

It was a long-sleeve, light purple dress shirt that fit Murphy like a glove, almost as if it were made just for him. He quickly pulled on his black pants & freshly shined shoes before struggling with his tie, wishing Connor were here to help him, Murphy never could get his tie right. After one final & failed attempt to control his unruly hair, he rushed from the house, eager to get to the bus stop, eager to meet Jonathan.

* * *

Murphy glanced at his watch. Seven o'clock..._finally_. Jonathan should be here anytime now.

Murphy arrived at the bus stop 20 minutes earlier and he'd been pacing with nervous energy ever since. Every time a car drove by, he'd hold his breath, hoping it would slow down & he'd see Jonathan's smiling face behind the wheel. He didn't even know what Jonathan drove, he hadn't thought to ask, so he didn't know what to look for. He was such a fucking idiot, he should have asked what kind of car Jonathan had, or at least what color it was.

His hand ran nervously over his tie, straightening it for the millionth time, before he looked up the street, seeing a white car slowly approach. He watched as it got closer and he took a deep breath to calm himself, hoping this car held his date. But like all the other cars before it, this car drove by without stopping.

Murphy looked around, not seeing any other cars, and a thought struck him. What if Jonathan stood him up? He didn't have Murphy's phone number & maybe he changed his mind, like Murphy himself had almost done, maybe Jonathan decided he wasn't worth his time but had no way of reaching him.

That's when Murphy realized how interested in Jonathan he really was...he'd be disappointed if Jonathan blew him off, he wanted to spend time with him, get to know him, maybe even kiss him. He wondered what he'd be like to kiss, Jonathan had a nice mouth, his lips were almost pouty. With a mouth like that, Murphy was certain he'd be a good kisser, probably lots of tongue.

He glanced at his watch again, it was a couple minutes after seven & Jonathan still wasn't here. He needed to calm the fuck down, Jonathan might just be running late, he might not have changed his mind, he might be on his way. He just needed to be patient, that's all.

Jonathan was stopped at a traffic light less than a block from the bus stop, his eyes watching Murphy while he waited for the light to change. Murphy was looking in the other direction & Jonathan was relieved Murphy was actually there, he thought the boy might scare easy, but there he was...waiting for Jonathan.

He couldn't help but smile at how nervous Murphy was, how he kept pacing & running his hand through his hair, how he kept looking at his watch. Even from this distance, it was obvious Murphy was anxious, and Jonathan couldn't keep his eyes off his date. The light changed & he slowly inched forward.

"Do you know where I can get some nice tomatoes?"

Murphy's smile was instantaneous & he turned around, locking eyes with the driver of the car stopped behind him. Jonathan. He was here...he didn't stand Murphy up...Jonathan was here.

"Hi." Murphy gave a small wave, wanting to kick himself for not saying more than just a stupid 'hi.'

There was that nice smile Murphy found so attractive, the smile Murphy wanted to see more of, the smile Murphy hoped would be on Jonathan's face all night long. Jonathan accompanied that smile with a small wave of his own. "Hi."

"Hi," Murphy mumbled with a slight nod and a quick blush. Now he really wanted to kick himself, he sounded like a fucking idiot saying 'hi' again. "Sorry."

Jonathan chuckled softly, waving his hand for Murphy to get in the car. "Don't be sorry, just get in." He watched as Murphy walked in front of the car, transfixed by the beautiful boy who was his date, his smile returning when Murphy sat next to him in the car.

With a quick scan of his eyes, Murphy took in his date. Jonathan was dressed to impress, a white silk shirt with French cuffs, a dark gray tie, silver cuff links & matching tie clip...he was perfectly put together, not even a hair was out of place.

Murphy felt a bit underdressed, a bit sloppy when compared to Jonathan, and he suddenly was self-conscious. He wasn't even wearing his own best shirt, he had to wear Connor's best shirt, which wasn't nearly as nice as Jonathan's. His tie wasn't done right & he was certain his hair was sticking up, and when Jonathan told him he _"cleaned up real nice,"_ Murphy couldn't help but blush. He was unsure of what to say other than a quiet _"you too,"_ which seemed to amuse his date.

"I was afraid you weren't going to come," Jonathan quietly said after Murphy buckled his seatbelt. "I really thought you wouldn't be here."

"I almost wasn't," Murphy admitted with a slight shrug. He thought about lying to Jonathan, it would have been easier just to lie, but he wanted to be as open & honest with him as he could be...at least about everything except Connor.

Murphy spent most of his life living a lie...lies about his feelings, lies to Connor, lies about being in love with Connor...lies to everyone he knew, even to himself at times. Connor always said he was a shit liar, and he usually was, except over the years he'd gotten really good at hiding how he felt, so good that even Connor had no idea.

But he was tired of lying, he was tired of being miserable, he was tired of crying all the time...he just wanted someone to love him. It really wasn't too much to ask, just someone to love him. And if it couldn't be Connor, then maybe it could be Jonathan.

Murphy looked at his date...really looked at him. Maybe Jonathan was the one Murphy waited his whole life for, maybe Jonathan really could love him, maybe Jonathan could even help him get over Connor.

"I'm glad you decided to take a chance, Murphy. I think we could have something really special."

Murphy felt his heart speed up, maybe Jonathan was right, maybe this was the beginning of something really grand, really special, something life altering. Murphy nodded, wanting to say something but he was suddenly too nervous, his words were stuck in his throat, he'd probably be better off just saying "_hi"_ again.

* * *

"What is it with you and your brother?"

Connor had been listening to Katie complain for what felt like five years, wishing he had cotton for his ears, or a muzzle for her fucking mouth. She just went on and on, each word grinding on his nerves, and he tried to focus on his pizza instead of her infernal bitching. As he took another bite of pizza he smirked, "bitch" was certainly the right word.

"There's nothing to smile about, Connor. Murphy is ruining our night."

"He's not even here, Katie," Connor couldn't help the annoyed tone in his voice because that's what he was, annoyed. "I'm getting tired of you blaming everything on Murph. He didn't do anything so just leave him alone."

She stared at him for a moment and he stared right back, just waiting for her to say something else about his twin, daring her with his eyes. He knew she wasn't done, he knew she'd say more and he waited for the inevitable.

This all started when Connor told her he wasn't in the mood to fool around, Murphy was on his mind & he wanted to look for him instead. Katie's face turned redder with each word Connor spoke, her face almost contorting into a grimace as he explained that his brother was acting funny, he was hiding something & Connor needed to find out what was going on. He needed to find Murphy & make sure he was okay.

"Seriously Connor, I think you two are obsessed with each other. It's really weird how he stares at you all the time, like he can't stand to have you out of his sight. And whenever he's not with you, all you do is talk about him...it's always Murphy this and Murphy that. I'm really sick of your fucked up relationship with your fucked up brother."

Connor couldn't take it any longer, he really couldn't, she had just crossed the line. No one was allowed to say Murphy was fucked up, no one, not even his girlfriend. Connor practically tossed his slice of pizza onto his plate, wiping his hands on his napkin before balling it up & tossing it on the table. He thought about what Murphy said earlier, how Katie told him to make himself scarce, and he couldn't help but wonder what else she said to his twin when he wasn't around, what else she said that he hadn't noticed or ignored.

There was always tension between Katie & Murph, since the day he introduced them. They both seemed jealous of the other, both vying for his attention, both barely maintaining a semblance of peace. The last time he broke up with Katie, it had been over Murphy. She had insisted he pick either his brother or her...so he chose Murph. Of course, Murphy thought it was over something else, Connor telling him he'd just gotten sick of her & all her shit, which in essence was true. But then she'd begged his forgiveness, she swore she wouldn't be jealous anymore, and he had taken her back. He could still picture the shattered look on Murphy's face when Connor told him.

"Are you done talking shit about my brother?" His eyes were stone cold as he looked at her, reaching for his cola & slowly taking a sip, hoping the cold drink would somehow cool his boiling inner core. He returned the glass to the table with a gentleness that belied his burning rage, his primal instinct to defend Murphy taking over his subconscious. He was beginning to see Katie through different eyes, he was beginning to see a glimpse of what Murphy had first seen long ago.

"Why is it so important for you to find Murphy when he obviously doesn't want you around? Take a fucking hint, Connor."

"Why is it so important for you to run down my brother at every fucking opportunity? Are you that threatened by him?"

The look on her face confirmed what he had begun to suspect. Yes...Katie was threatened by Murphy, threatened by his presence in Connor's life, threatened by their closeness, their bond, their love. Murphy held a place in Connor's heart that was irreplaceable, a place that was meant only for Murph, a place that was sacred & special. A place Katie could never be.

"I don't like Murphy," she finally admitted, although if Connor had paid attention, he would have already known this. "I never have and I never will."

This was unfathomable to Connor, how could he even associate with someone who didn't like Murphy? One word was uttered by the confounded boy, one question that he wanted her to answer. "Why?"

She shook her head as she looked at him like he was the stupidest person in the world. "Because I think he's in love with you."


	19. The Date

"What are you thinking?"

It was a simple question, really, but one Murphy didn't want to answer. He knew Jonathan was watching him, waiting for his response, hoping he would say _"yes."_ Murphy chewed on his lip as his eyes avoided looking at his date, he didn't want to tell him no, he really didn't...but he was too scared to say yes.

Jonathan had driven them to the marina, a smile on his face the entire way, telling Murphy he had something special planned just for them. Murphy watched his face as he drove, fascinated with how his eyes lit up as he talked, how he smiled when he glanced at Murphy, how his eyebrow raised when he said Murphy was making him nervous.

Murphy was so accustomed to watching Connor that he hadn't realized he was staring so intently at Jonathan, it was just second nature to him. He mumbled a quiet "sorry" as he looked away, wanting to study his date a little longer but not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable. As they stopped at a red light, Murphy found himself hoping Jonathan didn't think his staring was creepy.

"Hey...I said you made me nervous. I never said I didn't like you watching me," Jonathan quietly said, drawing Murphy's attention back to the handsome man. Murphy's eyes were greeted with the warm smile that made him melt & he felt his heart thumping in his chest as Jonathan reached for his hand, his touch hesitant, almost cautious.

Jonathan's hand was warm and his fingers stroked Murphy's skin, drawing little circles across the back of his hand with a feathery touch. He watched the boy's reaction, waiting for either the go ahead or the pull back, knowing it could go either way. Murphy looked down at their hands, surprised Jonathan's touch was so gentle, considering how large his hands were. He watched the man's fingers dance across his skin, marveling at how masculine his hand was, wondering how bold those fingers could be. Jonathan squeezed his hand gently, his fingers not wanting to leave Murphy's skin anytime soon, his lingering touch full of affection.

When Murphy didn't respond, Jonathan took his reaction as a negative, thinking Murphy didn't like his touch. He reluctantly began to pull his hand away but was astonished when Murphy gripped his hand tightly, pulling it back & interlacing his fingers with Jonathan's.

"I like your hands," Murphy said in his softest voice, his gaze not rising to meet Jonathan's eyes.

"I like _you_," Jonathan squeezed his hand when he said the word 'you,' making Murphy smile, Jonathan tilting his head to see Murphy's face.

Jonathan drove the rest of the way to the marina with his hand clasped tightly in Murphy's grip, their thumbs taking turns teasing each other's skin with gentle strokes, Murphy occasionally laughing when Jonathan would pin his thumb to his hand.

"Cheater," Jonathan said in mock anger when Murphy used both hands to pin Jonathan's thumb down.

"S'not cheating, Jonathan. It's called ingeniuity."

Jonathan shook his head, trying to hide his smile as he kept his eyes trained on the road. He threw caution to the wind and lifted Murphy's hand to his lips & gently kissed his skin, hearing the boy's sudden intake of breath, knowing he had surprised him. He lowered Murphy's hand to the car seat & chanced a glance at his passenger, relieved when he saw Murphy still staring at him with wide eyes and a small grin.

When they arrived at the marina, Jonathan pointed to the large paddleboat docked there, announcing he wanted to do something romantic on their date, so he was taking Murphy on board. He felt the immediate shift in Murphy's mood, his date going from playful to withdrawn, his fingers no longer teasing Jonathan's skin, his eyes watching the groups of people boarding the boat.

"What are you thinking?"

Murphy was thinking he was scared, he was thinking he wasn't ready for this, he was thinking he wanted to go home.

"I...I don't know," Murphy quietly whispered.

Murphy was familiar with the paddleboat, he'd often watch it travel across the water, dreaming one day he'd be on board. It was an extravagant vessel with ornate designs across the side and two large decks decorated with soft gleaming lights, reminding Murphy of an old movie he saw years ago. He lost count of the number of people he watched boarding, there had to be at least fifty people on board already, and he felt his stomach tighten.

It was as if Jonathan could see Murphy pulling back, like he could feel him withdrawing, curling up on himself. Jonathan knew this would be hard on him, he didn't forget what Murphy told him, how "no one knew." But he also knew if they had any hope as a couple, Murphy had to let go & trust him, he had to open up, and he had to talk to him.

"What's wrong?" Jonathan shook his hand, pulling Murphy from his thoughts. "Don't shut down on me."

Murphy turned toward his date, toward his kind eyes, his kind smile, thinking of his promise to himself...he'd be as honest with Jonathan as he could be. Glancing back at the boat, Murphy shrugged, "It just doesn't feel...it's not...it's not _discreet." _

Murphy dropped his head, not wanting to see disappointment in his eyes, or possibly anger. Jonathan understood why Murphy was so hesitant, why he was scared. He gently explained to Murphy that he really was being discreet, Murphy wouldn't know anyone on board, he promised. When Murphy shook his head & scoffed, Jonathan told him that tonight was for gay couples only, every guest on that ship was on a same sex date...just like they were.

"Take a chance, Murphy."

Jonathan was right, he had to take a chance or he'd be miserable & lonely the rest of his life. He'd already spent too much time bathed in heartache and pain, it was time for happiness...maybe it was even time for love.

Murphy had a paddleboat to get on, he had a date to enjoy and he had a gorgeous man who wanted to be with him.

* * *

Jonathan wasn't wrong, Murphy didn't see anyone he knew, every face was a stranger. He breathed a sigh of relief when they were seated at a cozy table for two with a stunning view of the setting sun through the large glass windows.

Jonathan watched him as he looked around in awe at the grandeur, at the sparkling crystal chandeliers, at the champagne fountain. Murphy had never been anywhere so fancy in all his life and he was impressed by the sheer majesty of it all.

"I'll be right back," Jonathan whispered in his ear & Murphy nodded, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of being left alone. "I'm not going far."

Murphy kept his eyes on his well-dressed date, watching him weave past the people not yet seated. Jonathan didn't pause for those who tried to stop him for conversation and he didn't stop until he reached the champagne fountain across the room. Jonathan glanced over his shoulder at Murphy, catching his eyes for a brief moment before he focused on filling two glasses with the bubbly liquid.

"We need to celebrate you taking a chance," Jonathan told him upon his return, handing Murphy a glass & gently touching them together, a small '_ting' _making them both smile. "Thank you for taking a chance with _me_, Murphy."

* * *

"We have to feed each other," Jonathan announced with a sly grin, spearing a large piece of fried zucchini with a fork. "That's the rule. You're only allowed to eat what I put in your mouth."

Murphy couldn't help but be pleased, Jonathan was more romantic than he ever could have hoped for. Murphy glanced at the plate between them, at the appetizer for two, trying to choose something his date might like.

Jonathan lifted his fork, the long piece of zucchini aimed toward Murphy's mouth. "Open up."

Murphy instantly blushed, seeing the glint in Jonathan's eyes & the smirk on his lips. "Phallic symbols are beneath you," he quietly said as he glanced at the fork.

"You dirty boy, I have no idea what you're talking about," Jonathan hissed, his smirk turning into a smile as Murphy's blush deepened. Jonathan reached for the small cup of buttermilk dressing, dipping the end of the zucchini into the cup & again lifting the fork toward Murphy's mouth. "Hungry?"

Murphy glanced at the fork, watching the creamy white dip run down the length of the zucchini. He couldn't help his deepening blush, Jonathan called him a dirty boy but he wasn't the one being so suggestive.

Murphy enjoyed this side of Jonathan, he enjoyed the flirtation, the teasing, the sexual innuendo. Murphy leaned forward, opening his mouth, waiting to be fed.

Murphy's eyes never strayed from Jonathan's face but Jonathan's eyes dropped to his mouth as he moved the fork closer to the boy's parted lips. Murphy expected him to put the end of the zucchini in his mouth but that's not what Jonathan did. Instead, Jonathan ran the tip of the zucchini across Murphy's bottom lip, smearing the dip over his mouth. Murphy leaned forward a bit more, trying to capture the food with his mouth, but Jonathan pulled it back too quickly.

"Oh no you don't," Jonathan laughed with a slight shake of his head. "Be patient. You have to wait for me to put it in your mouth."

With quick swipes of his tongue, Murphy licked his bottom lip clean, causing Jonathan to pause briefly & watch. Murphy knew how it must have looked & he rather enjoyed giving as good as he was getting, smiling at how the tables were so easily turned without him really trying.

Jonathan quickly recovered, dipping the fork once more into the cup, gathering more dressing on the end of the zucchini. "I have to start all over now, seeing as you're trying to cheat again like you did in the car."

"Ingenuity, Jonathan."

"Cheating, Murphy."

The fork was again angled toward the boy's lips & Murphy opened his mouth, waiting as patiently as he could.

"Behave," Jonathan warned with a devilish smile, moving the zucchini toward Murphy, gently running it along his mouth before sliding it between his lips. "Eat."

Murphy closed his mouth around the food & Jonathan withdrew the fork, watching Murphy chew slowly. Murphy licked his lips, tasting the richness of the buttermilk, and he smiled. "S'good," he mumbled with a nod & raised eyebrows, reaching for his napkin to wipe the excessive dip from his mouth.

"Let me get that for you."

Murphy froze as Jonathan used his thumb to wipe a streak of the dip from the corner of Murphy's mouth. Jonathan looked at his thumb before licking it clean, with a slowness Murphy found incredibly erotic. "You're right. It's very good."

"And you said I was the dirty boy."

Jonathan's thumb again stroked across Murphy's mouth, removing more of the thick dip. "Was I wrong?"

Murphy hesitated, his words forgotten as he watched Jonathan's tongue glide over his thumb, the whiteness of the dip a stark contrast with the redness of his tongue. Jonathan smiled, repeating the process a third time to Murphy's great delight and growing discomfort.

"You need to stop that." Murphy didn't need much for an erection to begin and Jonathan's antics were causing a torturous hardening in his pants. He shifted in his seat, feeling the thickness of his growing excitement pressing against his zipper, and he quickly wiped his mouth with his napkin to prevent Jonathan from teasing him further.

Jonathan was watching his face closely, unsure if he went too far too fast, not wanting to ruin something before it even began. He knew Murphy enjoyed the little teasing he had done, he could tell by how his eyes danced with excitement, how his smile never faded, how he eagerly joined in. But Jonathan was afraid he went a bit too far, maybe he was a bit too sexual for a first date.

Murphy noticed his concerned look & he shrugged with a slightly impish grin. "It's okay. I just need to cool off, you know?"

Jonathan couldn't help but nod...he needed to cool off too.

* * *

They walked along the upper deck, Jonathan taking Murphy by the hand as he led him to the railing, the cool night air blowing their hair. Jonathan began pointing out landmarks, the dock where they started, the lighthouse, the church tower. Murphy was fascinated, he'd never seen his hometown from this vantage point & he couldn't help but think of how Connor would love to see this as well.

_Shit..._he couldn't believe he just thought of Connor, not with Jonathan right next to him, what the fuck was wrong with him? Connor was probably balls deep in Katie right now, fucking her brains out, and Murphy's thinking about how much Connor would like the fucking view from the boat.

"You okay?"

Murphy nodded as he turned to look at Jonathan. He really did look a lot like Connor, especially in the moonlight. Murphy took a deep breath, banishing all thoughts of Connor from his mind, he wouldn't think of his brother while he was on a date with another man, he wouldn't...Jonathan deserved better than that.

"So what do you think of the boat?" Jonathan asked, trying to distract Murphy from whatever thought had just invaded their time together. He wanted Murphy's full attention, he didn't want to settle for anything less.

Murphy glanced over his shoulder, his eyes quickly scanning the boat. "Impressive."

"And what do you think of me?"

Murphy's focus shifted back to Jonathan before his eyes shyly darted out to sea. "Even more impressive."

* * *

"It's after one, Murphy, I'm not leaving you at a bus stop in the middle of the night. It's not happening."

Murphy rolled his eyes toward the heavens. At this moment Jonathan sounded just like Connor, right down to the way he said his name. "We agreed."

"No, we only agreed I'd pick you up at the bus stop. We never discussed me not driving you home."

Shit. Jonathan was right, they'd never discussed what would happen after their date. "I'm a big boy, Jonathan. I'm capable of walking home all by myself."

Jonathan suddenly pulled over to the side of the road, putting the car in park & turning toward Murphy. He waited in silence for a good minute, his eyes glued to Murphy's shadowed face, waiting for him to say something.

Murphy was shocked that Jonathan pulled over, they weren't in town yet & it would be too far for Murphy to walk home if he got out of the car now. He angled his head away from Jonathan, knowing he was watching and waiting, and he stared out the window at nothing…..he could outlast Jonathan if he had to.

"Oh my God, Murphy." It was like Connor was next to him in the car instead of Jonathan, their voices sounded exactly the same when they were annoyed with him. Murphy didn't respond, he continued to stare out the window & Jonathan finally realized Murphy wasn't going to look at him. "You're so stubborn."

Murphy shook his head, this was nothing, this wasn't even close to being stubborn. If Jonathan wanted to see stubborn, Murphy could give him stubborn.

He heard Jonathan take a slow breath and when Jonathan spoke again, his voice was entirely different…..his voice was gentle, patient, pleading. His soft tone took Murphy by surprise & easily melted his stubborn facade.

"Murphy. I just don't feel comfortable leaving you out here all alone. It's late...please let me drive you home."

Murphy finally looked away from the dark nothingness, his eyes cast downward, his own voice as soft as Jonathan's. "Can't you just drop me off at the bus stop? I'll be fine, I promise."

"Please look at me."

Murphy didn't want to look at him but his desire to be stubborn disappeared when Jonathan spoke so gently to him.

"Come on, look at me."

He tried to look annoyed, he tried to look angry but all he looked was scared. And Jonathan knew it.

"Are you afraid your family will see me and ask questions?"

Murphy nodded, Jonathan seeing how sad his eyes looked, even in the dim light from the dashboard. "They don't know."

"You could just say I'm a friend."

Murphy shook his head, knowing Jonathan was only trying to help. "That wouldn't work. My brother knows all my friends, he'd wonder why he didn't know you too. He'd ask a lot of questions, I know he would. Plus he'd wonder why I was dressed up just to hang out with a friend."

Jonathan wanted to ask Murphy about his brother, this was the first he mentioned having a sibling & Jonathan was curious about him & their relationship. He filed his questions away for a better time, a time when Murphy wasn't so worked up.

"You should just leave me at the bus stop. I really will be fine."

Jonathan had already decided he wasn't about to do that, no matter what Murphy's argument was. His mind raced to come up with a solution to this problem, a solution Murphy would accept & one they would both be comfortable with.

"How about this? I won't leave you at the bus stop & I won't take you home either."

After a pause, Murphy mumbled, "Sounds fucked up."

Jonathan couldn't help but laugh, his tension completely gone when Murphy finally agreed to being dropped off down the street from his house. Twenty minutes later, Jonathan pulled over to the side of the road, parking next to a large tree.

Jonathan turned the engine off & Murphy didn't know what to do next, the first awkward silence of the night filling the car. He thought Jonathan would have kissed him by now, or at least tried, but he never made a move. Murphy wondered if maybe Jonathan had no desire to kiss him, maybe he just didn't want to.

Murphy pointed to a lit house in the distance, the only house they could see from where they were parked. "That's where I live."

Jonathan craned his neck to see where Murphy pointed. "Looks like someone is still up."

"No, probably not. My Ma wouldn't be home yet & my brother's girlfriend is supposed to be long gone by now. He's probably sleeping after all the fucking they did."

Jonathan looked back at Murphy, surprised by his angry tone, wanting to ask why he was upset about what his brother did that evening. Moonlight was streaming through the windshield & he could see the expression on Murphy's face but he wasn't able to determine what that expression meant.

"I should go," Murphy's words were reluctant, his voice sounding disappointed.

Jonathan was out of the car before Murphy realized it, he didn't expect him to leave the vehicle and he slowly opened his car door, wondering what Jonathan was doing.

Jonathan motioned for him to come closer & when Murphy reached his side, Jonathan took him by the hand & began to lead him toward his house. Murphy stopped, pulling back, "What are you doing?"

Jonathan took a step closer to the wide eyed young man, close enough that Murphy could smell his cologne, close enough that Murphy could feel his body heat. "Take a chance, Murphy."

Murphy's body relaxed, he'd taken a lot of chances since he first met Jonathan. Each chance had been difficult but each one made him happy, each one brought him closer to the man tenderly holding his hand, each one felt right.

"Okay." That one word was barely heard over the sound of the crickets but Jonathan didn't miss it. It was the best word he heard all night.

Jonathan pulled on his hand, leading Murphy away from the car & crossing the dirt road. They walked along the berm toward Murphy's house before Jonathan led him off the road, moving between the trees & stopping under a large tree halfway between the car & the house.

Murphy glanced at his house before looking at the man standing in front of him, Jonathan moving closer, his spicy cologne filling Murphy's nose. He could barely see Jonathan in the darkness, the trees creating shadows, but he didn't need light to know Jonathan was there. Jonathan's free hand moved to lightly touch Murphy's face, his fingers barely making contact with his skin, and Murphy realized just how discreet Jonathan could be.

Jonathan slid his hand from Murphy's face, resting his hand on Murphy's chest, and Murphy felt like he would die if Jonathan didn't kiss him soon. Jonathan stroked Murphy's tie lazily before looping the silky garment around his hand, pulling Murphy closer by his tie.

"Come here." He gave a strong yank on the tie & Murphy was pulled hard against Jonathan's body, his body blazing hot against the strong man. Jonathan's mouth was inches from Murphy's and Jonathan paused, keeping their lips from touching, their heated breath mixing together. Just when Murphy was about to lose his mind, Jonathan finally pressed his lips to Murphy's.

The kiss was nothing like Murphy expected. Murphy had never kissed a man before, Jonathan was his very first and it was so much better than he ever thought it could be.

Murphy had been kissed only twice before, and both by girls. The first was at school when he knew Connor would see and the second was at a party when Connor was making out with Katie right next to him. Neither kiss had been enjoyable, neither excited him and neither kiss was commented on by his brother.

But Jonathan's kiss made him feel..._hot,_ like his blood was on fire, like his temperature rose a thousand degrees with the first brush of Jonathan's lips across his mouth.

Murphy wanted more.

Jonathan moved his mouth leisurely against Murphy's lips, smiling when Murphy opened his mouth to him. His tongue teased Murphy's lips before finally sliding into his mouth, Murphy's tongue eagerly greeting it. Jonathan was not surprised in the least by the sweetness he found, thoroughly enjoying the sensual mouth he was finally tasting.

Jonathan held Murphy in place with a tight grip on his tie, not allowing the boy to lean away from him, not that Murphy would even entertain that notion. Murphy's hand gripped Jonathan's bicep tightly and just as Jonathan deepened the kiss, a tiny whimper of pleasure reached Jonathan's ears.

Murphy couldn't get enough, he wanted even more, his hunger for Jonathan's mouth insatiable. He sucked on Jonathan's tongue as every bit of blood in his body pumped toward his prick, stiffening it for the second time tonight. He knew Jonathan couldn't miss the hardness pressed against him but he was too worked up, too overheated, too fucking turned on to be concerned.

Jonathan's tongue left Murphy's mouth just seconds before his lips were released, Murphy's mouth clinging to Jonathan's, not wanting him to pull away. Murphy was practically panting, his chest heaving and Jonathan relaxed his grip on his tie.

"You okay?"

Murphy was only capable of moaning a quiet affirmation, dropping his head slightly as he tried to compose himself & catch his breath. Jonathan released his tie, his hand smoothing it against Murphy's damp shirt, feeling the boy's pounding heart under his hand. Jonathan was surprised Murphy's grip on his bicep never lessened, his fingers still digging into his skin even after the kiss ended.

"I want to see you again, Murphy."

"When?" Murphy whispered in response, still not able to breathe normally.

Jonathan gently kissed his lips, "It's already Sunday now, so later today. I want you to come to a cookout with me. It'll be discreet, I promise."

Murphy knew what that meant, it meant it would be safe for them to be together, they wouldn't have to hide, they could even kiss if they wanted.

"Say yes."

Murphy lifted his head, not wanting this night to end but eagerly looking forward to waking up and seeing Jonathan again. "Yes."


	20. Where Ya Been?

"Where ya been, Murph?"

Murphy jumped at the soft sound of Connor's voice, he thought his brother was asleep, not sitting in their room in the dark. Murphy turned toward Connor's bed, barely able to see the shadowy figure of his twin as Connor reached for the lamp on the nightstand. A quiet click of the light illuminated their bedroom and Murphy wished he had thought to take his tie off, he would have hidden it in his pocket if he thought for one minute Connor would be waiting up for him.

"Fuck, Connor. You sacred the shit out of me," Murphy mumbled quietly.

Murphy couldn't help but wonder why Connor wasn't sleeping, why he wasn't exhausted after his extra-curricular activities with Katie, why he was sitting on his bed just staring at him.

Connor's eyes focused on Murphy, widening when he noticed how his twin was dressed, his eyebrows lifting in surprise. Murphy hated dressing up, he rarely wore a tie and when he did, he had to be forced by their mother. Connor couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Murphy looking so nice, so put together, so _handsome_.

Murphy was suddenly nervous under his brother's gaze, he wasn't used to Connor looking at him so intently, studying him...almost as if he were seeing him for the very first time. Connor had the most expressive eyes Murphy had ever seen, he could stare into those eyes for days & be perfectly happy, but this look in his brother's eye was somehow different. It was a look Murphy had never seen before, it was a look he didn't know how to interpret, it was a look that made him fidget in place.

Murphy ran his hand through his hair as he pivoted from foot to foot, wondering what to do, wondering what was going on in Connor's head, wondering why he was fucking staring at him. Usually by now Connor would have made a joke of some kind, a typical smart-ass comment accompanied by a raise of his eyebrow & a smirk on his face. But when Connor didn't do that, when he merely sat watching Murphy with strangely emotional eyes, Murphy could only stare back in confusion.

Connor's eyes dropped to Murphy's rumpled tie, his brow furrowing when he noticed how wrinkled it was in comparison with the rest of his twin's clothes. Murphy followed Connor's eyes & looked downward, noticing for the first time how bunched up his tie was, how creased & practically twisted it was from Jonathan's tight grip. He quickly pulled on the knot at his throat, undoing his tie & pulling it from his neck as Connor lifted his eyes back to his younger brother's face.

"Where ya been?" Connor asked again, his voice as quiet as the first time he'd asked.

Murphy turned away, placing his tie on his dresser as casually as he could, hoping Connor wouldn't say anything about how he was dressed. "I was scarce, Connor, just like I was told to be."

"Not by me."

Murphy shook his head, sometimes Connor just didn't get it. "Might as well have been you. S'not like you said any different, right?"

"No...I guess I didn't." Connor stared at Murphy's back for a moment before his eyes were drawn to the dresser where Murphy's fingers fumbled with his tie. "You look really nice tonight, Murph. How come you're all dressed up?"

Murphy should have known that question was coming, Connor was the most curious person Murphy knew, Connor just had to know everything. It was probably killing him not to know what Murphy was up to, what he'd been doing, who he'd been with.

"Well, Murph?"

All Connor got was a shrug of Murphy's shoulders, Murphy wasn't prepared with any sort of fabrication and he certainly couldn't tell Connor the truth. Murphy's fingers kept fiddling with his tie as he tried to think of something to tell his curious brother, something believable, something to make him back off.

"Is that my shirt?"

Murphy glanced down at the shirt before turning back to look at his brother, his curious brother, his dying to know what was going on brother. "I didn't think you'd mind if I borrowed it."

"'Course not. You can borrow anything you want, you know that."

Murphy nodded, wishing Connor would stop looking at him in that weird way, it was making him uncomfortable. But Connor didn't stop, he didn't look away, he just continued to watch Murphy. It was a strange sensation to be examined so closely by someone who knew him so well yet knew nothing about how he really felt or what he was really all about.

"I looked for you tonight, Murph. I looked everywhere. Where were you?"

Murphy was confused, Connor should have been busy fucking Katie, not looking for him. Murphy looked at Connor's bed, remembering how it looked that time after Connor had been fucking, how messed up it was, how the blanket & sheets had looked. Connor's bed didn't look anything like that now, it wasn't messed up in the least, it was still neat...just like Connor had left it that morning.

"Why were you looking for me? Didn't you come back here? With Katie?"

Connor shook his head 'no,' surprising Murphy, he never expected Connor not to have fucked the witch. Murphy suppressed a smile, he couldn't help but feel happy but he didn't want Connor to see. _Connor didn't fuck her. _

"Oh...why not? Did something happen?"

That strange look was back on Connor's face, the intensity had returned, deep emotion reflected in his steady gaze. Murphy wanted to look away but he couldn't, Connor's eyes held him steadfast.

"She said some really crazy shit tonight, Murph. About you."

An icy cold chill went through Murphy, fear gripping his heart, ice forming in his veins. Murphy was afraid of what Katie might have said, what poison she might have told Connor, what possible truths she might have inadvertently exposed.

"Yeah? Like what?"

Connor didn't respond at first but Murphy could see in his eyes that he was debating with himself, trying to decide if he should tell Murphy what was said, trying to decide if he even believed it. "Doesn't matter...it was a bunch of fucking shit anyway."

Murphy felt relieved, it couldn't be that serious if Connor wouldn't tell him what was said. It was meaningless, it was nothing, it was fucking shit...just like Connor said.

"Murph? Where were ya tonight? I really need to know." Connor's voice was pleading, it held a little desperation and a lot of anxiety. Murphy could see Connor holding his breath as he waited for a response, almost as if he were afraid of what Murphy might say.

Murphy couldn't come up with anything to explain why he was dressed up, why he was out on a Saturday night wearing a tie, so he settled on a piece of the truth.

"I had a date tonight, Conn."

Connor almost looked relieved, or maybe he was upset, it was hard to tell. A smile was on his lips but that smile didn't reach his eyes...instead, his eyes looked sad, at least to Murphy anyway. Connor's reaction puzzled his brother even more. "Really? Who'd you go out with?"

Murphy wanted to say _'Jonathan,'_ but bit his tongue to prevent his name from leaving his lips. Instead, Murphy muttered the only name he could think of, a name Connor would be happy with, the name of someone Connor had never spoken to...a _safe_ name.

"Charlotte."

All Murphy could come up with was a variation of the truth, a twisting of reality, a partial lie. He told Connor he'd been on a date, he just wasn't honest about who he was with...was that so bad? He was actually proud of himself as well, he remembered not to look at Connor's feet when he lied.

"Charlotte? From the movies? That cute girl who couldn't stop staring at you?"

Murphy nodded, feeling guilty for lying about a girl that was nothing but nice to him, a girl he could tell had a crush on him, a girl he knew would say yes if he asked her out. But Charlotte was a good lie, Connor barely even knew who she was, he'd never spoken with her, he'd never find out Murphy had lied about taking her out.

Connor suddenly stood & moved quickly to his side, putting his arm around his shoulder & squeezing tight. "Good for you, Murph. I told you she'd be a fine way to spend your time until your tall sexy blonde showed up. I'm glad you listened to your wise older brother."

Connor was suddenly acting like his old self again, he was back to normal in the blink of an eye...all because Murphy told him he took Charlotte out. Murphy never understood Connor, never understood his moods, why the weirdest things seemed to matter to him when in reality, they were nothing but falsehoods.

"When are you going to see her again?"

This couldn't have worked out any better, it was an ideal situation, completely flawless. Charlotte was a great lie, she'd be Murphy's excuse...Murphy would say he was with Charlotte when in reality, he'd be with Jonathan. Connor would never know...everyone would be happy. It was perfect.

"Tomorrow. She invited me to a cookout."

* * *

"You're not excused, Murphy. I don't care if you have a million girls waiting for you, you'll spend Sunday brunch with your family."

Connor had tried to plead his case, telling their Ma all about how Murphy had a girl to go out with, how she was waiting for him, how Murphy _really_ had to leave. But Ma wouldn't hear of it, she loudly told Connor to stop arguing with her on the Lord's day because she wasn't about to relent. Connor was about to continue, he wasn't about to back down, until Murphy told him it was fine...he'd stay.

But it wasn't fine. It was almost noon & Jonathan was already at the cookout, he'd be waiting for Murphy to arrive. Jonathan wanted to pick Murphy up at the bus stop like he had for their date the night before but Murphy wouldn't let him, church wouldn't be done in time, he wouldn't be able to sneak away. So instead, Murphy got the address & planned to take the bus, telling Jonathan he would be there by one.

But it was already noon & Murphy was completely fucked, he had no way of letting Jonathan know what was going on. Brunch hadn't even begun yet and Ma wouldn't let him leave. Murphy bit his lip, wondering how late he would actually be, hoping Jonathan would understand.

Uncle Sibeal had a nice family brunch for them every Sunday down at the Anvil and he'd often tell them stories while they ate. Normally, Murphy loved spending Sunday brunch at the pub, it was fun hanging out with Connor & sneaking beer. But not today...today Murphy had a date, today he had Jonathan waiting for him across town. Today Murphy wanted to get the fuck out of there.

Connor brought him another beer after they ate, trying to lighten Murphy's mood, trying to help time pass a little quicker for his twin.

"Don't worry, Charlotte's got the hots for you. She'll understand, Murph."

Murphy lifted his eyebrows, hearing his brother call Jonathan "Charlotte" would be funny if he weren't trapped at the pub, he might actually laugh if he were on his way to meet Jonathan this very minute. Murphy hoped Connor was right, he hoped Jonathan really would understand, he didn't know what he'd do if he didn't.

Murphy glanced at the clock, it was past three, he was now officially two hours late. He quickly downed the beer, glancing at their mother who was doing shots with their uncle, wishing she'd take pity on him & let him leave. She wasn't quite drunk enough to let him leave though, not yet anyway, and he looked back at his brother. Connor was watching him almost as intently as he had the night before, that strange look in his eye once again, his eyes focused on his brother in a way that made Murphy sweat.

"What, Connor? You're staring at me."

Connor quickly looked away, almost like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He took a quick drink of his dark ale before wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "I guess I was. Sorry, Murph, I didn't mean to stare. I just have a lot to think about."

Murphy couldn't help but wonder if Connor was referring to whatever Katie had said...about him. He was dying to know why Connor's demeanor was different, what made Connor's eyes look different when they connected with his. But especially...Murphy was desperate to know why Connor was now the one staring.


	21. Anger & Consequence

**A/N:** This is a really LONG chapter...once I got started, I just couldn't stop. I hope it's enjoyable & please let me know what you think. To those who I recently PM'd, some of the messages were really screwed up, the words jumped & went missing. I think my computer is possessed. My apologies.

* * *

It was after five when Murphy was finally allowed to leave the pub but by that time, it didn't fucking matter anymore. The last bus was long gone, it was too far to walk to where Jonathan was waiting and Murphy had no way of reaching him to explain.

Murphy had stood him up. Not intentionally, but Jonathan wouldn't know that...all he'd know is Murphy had promised to be there but never showed. He was certain Jonathan would be hurt, he would be confused, he probably would be angry as well. And Murphy wouldn't blame him, not one bit.

It was all Murphy's fault. Jonathan wanted to exchange phone numbers but Murphy was too scared. He was scared Connor would find Jonathan's number and ask questions. He was scared Jonathan would call his house, even though he promised not to. He was scared somehow it would get fucked up. And that's what happened, it got fucked up, just not in the way Murphy feared. If only he had listened to Jonathan, if he had just taken his number, he would have been able to reach him & explain.

But instead, he stood him up. Instead, he hurt him. Instead, he'd fucked it up.

Murphy had been forced to stay where he didn't want to be so he sat angrily glaring at anyone within eyesight, everyone was fair game. Everyone except Connor. Connor alone was exempt.

Murphy could feel his mood dipping as his anger rose, his fingers digging at the wooden table while his family talked & laughed around him. Connor was the only thing preventing Murphy from going into a blind rage, his fury was growing for the past hour and he was now dangerously close to erupting. If Connor hadn't been there watching him so closely, Murphy would surely have gone off by now.

Murphy could feel Connor's eyes on him & whenever his gaze would roam in Connor's direction, he'd see his twin silently looking back at him, smiling at him, staring at him. Connor's eyes didn't seem to stop watching, they stayed glued to his twin almost as if studying him for some reason. Connor had been acting strange all day and if they were alone, if they had any privacy at all, Murphy would have asked Connor what the fuck was going on.

But instead, Murphy stayed silent. Glaring at everyone except Connor.

Murphy watched his mother drink, he ignored her slurred admonishments to stop pouting, he did his best to not stare at the clock as time continued to slip away, as Jonathan slipped away. Each minute felt like an eternity, every tick of the clock made his heart ache, not just for himself but for the man across town who wouldn't understand why Murphy wasn't there. The later it got, the more agitated Murphy became, knowing all the while Jonathan would be waiting for him to arrive.

Connor wanted him to stay at the pub, he told Murphy he'd sneak him all the beer he wanted, he practically begged Murphy to stay. But as much as he loved Connor, as much as he wanted to be with him every minute of his life, he just couldn't stand to be in the pub one minute longer than necessary, he had to get the fuck out of there.

As soon as his Ma told him he was free to go, Murphy practically vaulted from his chair & left in a huff, slamming the door on his way out. He heard Connor's voice calling after him but he ignored his brother, storming down the street & away from the pub.

As he walked home, he could feel his anger building, it was growing & multiplying, and he was having trouble containing it. He kicked angrily at the stones in the dirt road, trying to send them flying through the air as if by doing this, his anger would be quashed. But his anger didn't diminish, instead it blazed hotter, more intense.

All he wanted was to feel how he felt last night, with Jonathan.

Murphy was happy last night, he had a grand time with Jonathan, especially under the tree...that was Murphy's favorite part of the date. Everything under the tree was perfect...a perfect touch, a perfect kiss, a perfect man.

He liked how Jonathan touched him, he was tender, like Murphy was something to treasure & keep safe. Their kiss had been amazing, Jonathan's mouth was sweet but demanding, and his lips left Murphy wanting so much more. Jonathan made him feel special, he felt like Jonathan wanted him, _really wanted him_, like a lover would want him.

When Murphy woke this morning, he'd been filled with optimism and hope, probably for the first time in years. He had something to look forward to, he was actually excited for the day to begin, he had a man who made him smile.

But now it was ruined. It was completely fucked up. He'd probably never see Jonathan's face again, he'd never feel his hand on his body, he'd never again taste his lips.

Murphy broke into a run, as fast as he could, his legs pumping, his heart pounding, his body sweating. He ran until he was out of breath and then he ran harder, not knowing why he felt the need to do so. His vision blurred from the sweat running into his eyes, but still he ran. His leg muscles burned, but still he ran. He couldn't breathe, but still he ran. He ran until the ground was suddenly meeting his knees, his hands, his face.

His body skidded across the gravel, his jeans ripping at the knees, his skin ripping at his palms. A dirt plume signaled the end of his motion but the beginning of his pain, physical pain at least, and he coughed quietly in the dirt as the dust cloud settled over his body.

After the initial pain relented and his coughing diminished, he sat up slowly, looking at his burning palms. Gravel and dirt were imbedded in his bloody skin & he resisted the urge to wipe his hands on his pants, knowing it wouldn't help to do so. He felt the trickle of blood run from his knees and soak into his jeans, ruining what were his best pair.

He stood on shaky legs, feeling like he'd been kicked by a pissed off elephant, his muscles screaming. His fingers went to his cheek, relieved that he felt only a slight opening of his skin, and he began to head toward home, albeit much slower than before.

Murphy was almost home when he heard the car, the loud engine revving as it approached from behind, and he moved to the side of the road to let it pass. The car got dangerously close & he jumped back as it screeched to a stop in front of him, cutting across his path. As the dust cleared, the driver got out of the car & slowly moved toward the stunned boy.

"Jonathan?"

"Why'd you stand me up?"

Murphy's mouth hung open, he never expected Jonathan to come looking for him, to practically run his car off the road right in front of him. Jonathan continued his approach as Murphy gawked, his mind trying to wrap around the situation, trying to figure out what the fuck Jonathan was doing here.

When Jonathan reached him, he planted his hands on Murphy's shoulders with a firm squeeze. Murphy stared into his eyes, too shocked to say anything, too shocked to even move. After a moment, Jonathan's hands slid to Murphy's chest, grabbing a tight hold of his t-shirt, bunching the material between his fingers. He pulled Murphy close to his body and Murphy's hands instinctively went to Jonathan's forearms, gripping the man's muscles tightly as Jonathan stared into his eyes.

Jonathan held him in that position for a few moments and Murphy didn't resist, he didn't struggle, he didn't pull away. He just held on to Jonathan & stared back, seeing in his eyes pain, confusion...desire. Murphy couldn't look away, not from those eyes that reflected such need and hunger. His hands shifted over Jonathan's taut muscles, his heart pounding in his chest, his mouth suddenly dry.

Jonathan's voice was soft but his hands remained gruff, his fingers clenched, his eyes pained. "Why'd you stand me up, Murphy?"

Murphy swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling terrible for being the one to inflict that look in those eyes. "I didn't want to but I just couldn't leave."

Murphy's words hung in the air as Jonathan considered what he said, Murphy waiting for his grip to relax but instead, he felt Jonathan's fingers tighten further. Jonathan swung Murphy around like he weighed nothing, pressing Murphy's back against the car and flattening his body against the startled boy, easily pinning him, their faces inches apart.

It didn't hurt what Jonathan did to him, there was no pain involved, only shock. Murphy wasn't afraid of Jonathan, he wasn't upset by the manhandling, he actually understood it. He could see the emotion in Jonathan's eyes, he could hear it in his voice, he could feel it in his grip.

"Were you with Connor?"

How could he answer that and not lie? He couldn't tell Jonathan he was with Connor, not without explaining that Connor was his brother…..his brother who he had been in love with.

"Answer me." Jonathan's eyes had widened imperceptibly when Murphy didn't respond and he couldn't help but shake Murphy slightly, not hurting him, just startling him back to the present. His next few words were disjointed, staccato, firm. "Were you. With..._Connor_?"

"I was with my family, Jonathan...my Ma & my brother." Murphy was purposefully vague, he didn't deny he was with Connor, he lied by omission.

"Anyone else?"

"My uncle. We were at his pub, The Anvil."

Murphy felt the fingers against his chest slacken, his shirt loosening in Jonathan's grip, the man relaxing against his body. "Why'd you stand me up?"

Murphy's words practically sputtered as he tried to explain, feeling desperation in his gut, trying not to lose Jonathan to a misunderstanding. "My Ma...she wouldn't let me leave. I'm sorry, I tried. You have to believe me...I didn't want to stand you up, Jonathan, I swear. _Please_ believe me."

Jonathan didn't respond, only his eyes moved, slowly scanning Murphy's face for deceit.

Murphy bit his lip, fearing he was about to lose the first man he cared about since Connor, the first man he wanted to fall in love with, the first man he might actually have a future with.

But then Jonathan's lips were on his, forcefully kissing him, smashing their mouths together almost painfully. Murphy inhaled sharply as the assault on his mouth began, the sweetness from the night before gone with the first deep thrust of Jonathan's tongue into his mouth.

Jonathan wasn't being gentle, he wasn't being soft, he wasn't being tender. Jonathan's boldness shocked Murphy, but at the same time, it excited him as well. Jonathan was a man taking what a man wanted...and that man wanted _him. _

Murphy couldn't move, his body remained trapped between Jonathan & the car, his hands clutching Jonathan's forearms tightly as he kissed back with the same vigor & passion. Jonathan's mouth didn't slow, his tongue didn't hesitate, his probing didn't stop. Murphy forgot all about his burning hands, his aching face, his throbbing knees. Jonathan's mouth, Jonathan's tongue, made sure of that.

Just as a moan escaped Murphy's throat, Jonathan pulled his mouth away, sucking on Murphy's bottom lip one final time before dipping his head & attaching his mouth to the heated boy's neck. He planted light kisses along his skin, making his way toward Murphy's ear, pushing his face into his dark hair.

"I believe you," Murphy heard whispered in his ear, Jonathan's breath hot against his skin. Murphy shivered as Jonathan's lips enveloped his earlobe, his teeth gently pulling on it before letting it go completely. Jonathan lifted his head & he smiled at Murphy, the pain and anger in his eyes gone, Murphy's shirt loose in his grip.

"I really am sorry, Jonathan."

"Shhhhh."

Murphy shook his head, not wanting to be shushed, needing to explain further. "I should have taken your phone number. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been such a stubborn jerk."

Jonathan chuckled, his smile wider as he released Murphy's shirt, his hands smoothing the wrinkles he had caused. "You're not a jerk, Murphy. But you are the most stubborn person I've ever met."

Murphy released Jonathan's arms, dropping his hands to his side as he let Jonathan fuss over him. Jonathan raised his hand & gently brushed Murphy's hair from his eyes.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Murphy shook his head, "No...I'm okay."

"Good. I wouldn't want to hurt you." His hand moved to stroke Murphy's cheek, his fingers inadvertently gliding over the bruise that was forming, causing Murphy to wince slightly. He took Murphy by the chin, turning his head to get a better look at what caused that reaction, finally noticing the dark area on his cheekbone.

"How'd you get this bruise?"

Murphy pulled his head free, looking around, suddenly realizing anyone with eyes could see them, anyone could stumble upon them & Murphy would never be able to explain their position. Jonathan took him by his chin again, trying to look once more at Murphy's bruise.

"Jonathan...let me go."

Jonathan released his chin & took a step back, watching as Murphy quickly looked around once again. He took another couple steps back, trying to give the boy even more room, his eyes noticing Murphy's disheveled appearance for the first time. His eyes ran over Murphy's dirt covered clothes, his ripped & bloody jeans, his gravel encrusted hands.

"It's okay. I don't think anyone saw us," Murphy said with relief, his eyes returning to Jonathan's.

"What happened?"

Murphy shrugged, trying to dismiss the concern, trying to diminish the injury. "Nothing."

"That's not nothing." Jonathan looked exactly like Connor at that moment, he had the same "no bullshit" look in his eye, causing Murphy to pause & stare. "What happened?"

"I'm just clumsy." When Jonathan raised his eyebrows & cocked his head, Murphy quickly added, "I'm fine, I just tripped s'all."

Jonathan took a deep breath, trying to gather some patience, his eyes again dropping to Murphy's body. His eyes quickly scanned, trying to see how severe the injuries were, trying to see if Murphy needed a doctor. He was fairly certain it looked worse than it was but until he got the injuries cleaned, he wouldn't relax.

"I'm sorry. I got some dirt & blood on you."

Jonathan glanced to where Murphy indicated, at his arms, seeing the bloody fingerprints from where Murphy held him. The amount of blood startled Jonathan and he glanced at Murphy's hands, seeing how they were caked not only with dirt & dried blood, but with fresh blood as well. "Is your family home?"

"No. Why?"

"Because we need to clean you up, stop that bleeding."

Murphy couldn't let Jonathan in the house, he just couldn't. It would be just his luck to have Connor come home with Jonathan there, he'd be screwed if that happened. Jonathan waited as patiently as he could, waiting for Murphy's argument.

Murphy argued that he was fine, he wasn't helpless, he could clean his own injuries.

Jonathan argued that he wanted to make sure Murphy was fine, he knew he wasn't helpless but he wasn't about to leave Murphy alone & bleeding.

When Murphy pointed out that his family could come home at any minute and he'd never be able to explain who Jonathan was & why he was in the house, Jonathan moved to his car & opened the passenger door. "Fine. I'll take you to my place & clean you up there."

"I'll get blood in your car," Murphy weakly argued, trying to dissuade Jonathan with an obvious fact.

"I'm not worried about my car. I'm worried about you," Jonathan said, motioning with his hand. "Get in."

Murphy tried to come up with another argument, another reason for Jonathan to let him take care of his own injuries. He didn't think he was hurt that badly but Jonathan wasn't about to let him be alone, he wanted to take care of him, that much was obvious.

Jonathan sighed, annoyance filling his eyes, his voice sounding just like Connor once again. "This is non-negotiable, Murphy. Either get in the fucking car right now or I'm coming home with you. Your choice."

As stubborn as he was, Murphy knew he had no choice, no matter what Jonathan said. He also knew Jonathan would follow him home if he didn't get in the car & he couldn't let that happen, not with Connor coming home soon. Murphy moved toward the car, pausing before getting inside, his eyes looking at Jonathan with a final plea.

"Don't be so stubborn. Get in the car, Murphy. Please."

Finally, Murphy got in the car & Jonathan sighed in relief, shutting the car door. He was just happy Murphy stopped fighting him on this.

When they arrived at Jonathan's apartment, Murphy quietly followed him inside, trying not to be too obvious as he looked around. He wanted to see everything in the room, everything Jonathan owned, everything Jonathan loved. Jonathan shut the door behind him while Murphy took a few more steps into the living room, surprised at how spacious the room actually was.

"Your place is nice. It's really big. Do you live alone?"

"Yes." Jonathan hid his smirk, knowing Murphy was fishing for information.

Murphy nodded, relieved that he didn't have to worry about a parent or roommate wondering who he was & why he was there. "How long have you lived here?"

"Oh...a few years I guess."

Murphy liked Jonathan's style, it was simple but manly, not a lot of extraneous objects cluttering the space. He wanted to look through his things, to learn more about him, to learn what music he liked, what books he read.

Murphy took a few more steps into the room, glancing at the magazines on the coffee table, trying to sound nonchalant. "A few years, huh? You must really like it here."

"I do."

Murphy turned toward Jonathan, a small smile on his face. "I like it here, too."

Jonathan smiled back as he took a step toward Murphy. "Good, I'm glad you like it. Now come on, I want to clean you up."

Murphy followed him to the bathroom, surprised by how big the bathroom was. He stood in place looking around as Jonathan gathered a washcloth, towel & bandages. Jonathan placed the items on the toilet seat lid & motioned to Murphy. "Off with the shirt & pants."

Murphy hesitated briefly before laughing, thinking Jonathan was joking. Jonathan raised his eyebrows, the serious look on his face causing Murphy's smile to quickly fade.

"I'm not kidding. Take the shirt & pants off."

Murphy didn't want to take his clothes off in front of Jonathan, not even his shirt but especially his pants. "I can just roll my pants up above my knees."

Despite the situation, Jonathan chuckled, charmed by Murphy's bashfulness. "I'm not going to ravage your body, Murphy. Not today, anyway."

Murphy still didn't begin to remove his clothing, his eyes darting as he shifted on his feet. He didn't know how to get out of the situation, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

"I'm not letting you stay in blood stained, dirty clothes. It's not happening."

Jonathan reached for the hem of Murphy's shirt, pausing to make sure Murphy wouldn't resist. When Murphy didn't pull away, Jonathan lifted his shirt up & over Murphy's head, dropping it to the floor. He was surprised Murphy let him take his shirt off, the boy was fidgeting like crazy, he was obviously very nervous.

Murphy crossed his arms over his chest, trying to hide how skinny he was, a blush starting on his face & neck. He braced himself for a reaction as he slowly lifted his eyes to Jonathan's face, relaxing slightly when he saw Jonathan's smile.

"I'm not much to look at," Murphy quietly mumbled, looking to the side.

"Then why do I want to touch every inch of you?"

Murphy shrugged as his eyes returned to Jonathan. "Bad taste?"

"I'll have you know my taste is exceptional, young man." Jonathan's eyes quickly ran over Murphy's body. "Obviously."

Murphy's lips turned upward in the slightest smile, his voice barely above a whisper. "You're such a flirt."

"Only with you," Jonathan said in a matching whisper, his hand motioning toward Murphy's pants. "Off."

Murphy toed off his sneakers & gathered his courage, reaching for his belt while Jonathan waited, his eyes closely watching Murphy's hands. Jonathan was unable to look away as the boy fumbled with his belt, a quiet curse coming from Murphy's mouth when his fingers failed to work properly.

"You need help?"

Murphy laughed nervously, finally able to get his belt undone, his hands moving to the button on his jeans. "I got it."

Murphy slid his pants down his legs, his jeans sticking to his bloody knees momentarily before they finally dropped to his ankles. He stepped out of his pants, kicking them to the side, now standing before Jonathan dressed only in his boxers & socks, his self-confidence nonexistent.

If it hadn't been for the blood running from Murphy's knees, Jonathan would have paused to admire him further, he wouldn't have been able to resist Murphy's shyness, he would have taken him right there on the bathroom floor. Jonathan drove that thought from his mind, quickly composing himself and patting the counter for Murphy to sit before turning away to soap up the washcloth.

Murphy didn't miss the look in Jonathan's eyes, the hunger, the desire. He didn't miss the way his eyes moved over his body, the way they lingered in certain places, the way they kept returning to his crotch. He liked the way Jonathan looked at him. He liked it a lot.

Murphy sat on the counter & Jonathan crouched in front of him, dabbing lightly at his knees with the soapy washcloth. He wiped the streaks of blood from Murphy's shins, cleaning his legs with a tender touch. Jonathan commented on how much Murphy bled when he removed his socks, they too were bloodstained and he quickly tossed them aside.

Murphy watched as Jonathan took care of him, washed him, bandaged him. It felt strange having someone else do these things, someone other than Connor. He watched Jonathan's face as he concentrated on what he was doing, noticing that same crease in his forehead that Connor got when he was reading. Murphy smiled, he loved that crease.

Jonathan ran his hand over Murphy's clean leg, lightly teasing the hair on his calf with his fingers. Murphy quietly laughed as Jonathan beamed.

"You're ticklish."

"A bit," Murphy admitted & Jonathan tucked that fact away for future reference, wanting to know just how ticklish Murphy was. And where.

"I'm sorry for kissing you on the road, Murphy. I promised you I would be discreet and that clearly wasn't discreet."

Jonathan's words surprised Murphy, he hadn't expected him to apologize. "It's okay. No one saw."

Jonathan nodded as he stood & turned on the faucet, adjusting the temperature to a comfortable level. He took the soap & created a thick lather in his hands as he added, "I'm sorry I grabbed you like that, too. I shouldn't have done that."

Before Murphy could respond, Jonathan took his hands & pulled them under the warm water, rinsing the surface dirt away. Murphy twisted his body toward the sink as Jonathan began rubbing his hands in his soapy grip, careful not to be too rough.

"I really hope I didn't hurt you, Murphy," Jonathan's eyes remained on their hands, his fingers intertwining with Murphy's briefly.

"You didn't hurt me."

Jonathan briefly glanced at Murphy before his hands again began to move, gently sliding their hands together through the soapy slickness before letting the water run over Murphy's palms. Murphy watched Jonathan's face closely, seeing a gamut of emotions in his eyes.

"Jonathan?"

"Hmmm?"

"I want your phone number."

Jonathan smiled, not looking up, his hands pulling on Murphy's fingers one by one. "About fucking time, Murphy."

"What can I say? I'm stubborn."

"Oh, I know," Jonathan's chuckle filled the room. "Believe me, I know."

Jonathan reached for the towel, gently patting Murphy's hands dry, placing bandages across the meaty parts of his palms.

Murphy's mind drifted to thoughts of Connor. He couldn't help but remember Connor wrapping gauze around his hands after he broke the ceramic heart. Connor being so loving, so gentle. Connor kissing his hands, trying to make everything better. Connor...

"You okay?"

Murphy jumped before smiling nervously, a quick nod as his response.

"You looked like you were somewhere else."

Jonathan began to wash Murphy's face, his eyes now able to watch Murphy without distraction, to gauge his reaction. "I guess I was. I'm sorry, I was thinking about my brother."

Jonathan wanted to hear more, he was intrigued, he wondered about the look on Murphy's face. "What about him?"

Murphy lowered his eyes. "Just that he'll have to kiss my boo-boos when I get home, s'all."

"That's very sweet." Jonathan placed a bandage over Murphy's cheekbone, pressing gently but still making Murphy wince.

"He's always done that for me. I know it sounds completely nuts but he always makes me feel better, every single time. I'm just a baby, I guess."

Jonathan tossed the washcloth in the sink, resting his hands on Murphy's thighs and leaning toward him. "I want to be alone with you."

Murphy smirked, looking around & motioning with his eyes. "You are alone with me. Unless you have someone else here I can't see."

"No...I want to get you alone but not like this, not to patch you up. I want it to be just you & me, all alone. For an entire evening, Murphy, just us."

Murphy's eyes danced over Jonathan's face, unable to stay focused on one place. "Okay."

"Yeah?"

Murphy nodded, taking the initiative & leaning forward, capturing Jonathan's mouth with his lips. Jonathan let Murphy take control, he closed his eyes as Murphy's tongue gently pressed against his own, the sweetness from the night before returning to their kisses.

Jonathan kept his hands on Murphy's bare thighs, his fingers gently stroking, his nails lightly scratching. He was rewarded with a shiver from the boy as goosebumps formed across Murphy's body, their tongues delving deeper, their breathing heavier.

Murphy's hands went to Jonathan's biceps and he slid his fingers up into his sleeves, wanting bare skin. Jonathan flexed his muscles against Murphy's fingers and he laughed at Jonathan's antics, his mouth leaving Jonathan's for the briefest moment before sliding his tongue back into his waiting mouth.

Jonathan let Murphy control the kiss, allowing him to work his tongue between his lips at his leisure, their tongues teasing & tasting each other. Murphy kissed passionately, his mouth eager & needy, soft kissing sounds echoing in the tiled room.

Murphy moaned softly in Jonathan's mouth & it was all Jonathan could do to hold back. He wanted to slide his hands higher up Murphy's thighs and explore the area between his legs & make him moan even louder. He wanted to make the boy shudder, he wanted Murphy to yell his name, he wanted to watch his face as he lost control.

Murphy pulled away from Jonathan with a soft sigh, dropping his head, not looking into his eyes. "I need to stop."

Jonathan glanced down to Murphy's boxers, smiling at the effect he had on him, seeing the hardness that had begun to develop so quickly. "It's okay, I feel the exact same way."

It was after ten by the time Jonathan dropped Murphy off down the street from his house. Murphy whispered a quiet "thank you" before surprising Jonathan with a quick kiss to his lips. Jonathan tried to pull him closer but Murphy slid from his grasp with a slight smirk on his face & a shake to his head.

"Someone might see."

Jonathan leaned back in the driver's seat, looking forward to the day when Murphy wouldn't give a fuck if anyone saw.

"I have to go," Murphy quietly mumbled. "I'll see you on Wednesday night, right?"

"Unless you stand me up again."

"I'll be there," came the whispered promise.

Murphy quietly left the car, pausing in the street & waving to Jonathan before moving toward his home in silence. A few minutes later, Murphy heard the car turn around and he stopped in his yard to watch the tail lights as Jonathan drove away. He stood watching, imagining he could still see the lights long after they were gone.

Murphy felt Connor's presence before he actually saw him, he felt his approach as he grew near.

"Murph? Is that you?"

"It's me."

Connor stood next to Murphy in the dark yard, his eyes trying to see his twin's face. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine, Connor."

Murphy wondered how much Connor saw, how much he noticed, how much he pieced together. He quickly decided Connor didn't see anything, it was too dark and he was too far away, there was no way he saw anything.

"Who was that guy you were with, Murph?"


	22. Who Was That Guy, Murph?

Murphy felt sick, he was gonna fucking puke, he just knew it.

How did Connor know? It was dark & Murphy had been dropped off down the street. How could Connor possibly know _anything_?

Maybe Connor saw Jonathan's car pull up & he'd gone to investigate. Maybe he'd gotten close enough to see into the car. Holy fuck...maybe he'd seen Murphy kiss Jonathan.

It was only a small kiss, hardly anything at all, not even any tongue. But it was still a kiss, a kiss on the lips, a kiss with a man. A kiss Murphy would never be able to explain to his brother.

Murphy had been so careful up to that point, he'd hidden everything so well, he'd never done anything in public before. But then he kissed Jonathan in the car, he initiated it, he _wanted_ it. And now he was completely fucked because of that kiss.

Murphy was lucky he was hidden in the shadows of a tree. Otherwise Connor might have seen his face pale, he might have seen his eyes widen, Connor would have seen the scared look on his face.

"What are you talking about Connor? What guy?" Murphy was never successful at playing dumb, he didn't even know why he bothered to try. His voice sounded too shaky, it practically trembled, his words catching in his suddenly tight throat.

"The guy who just dropped you off. Who is he?"

"Nobody. Don't worry about it." Murphy tried to sound dismissive, knowing full fucking well Connor wouldn't be satisfied with this answer. Murphy turned & began to walk as fast as he could toward the house, hearing Connor quicken his pace to catch up.

Connor followed him in silence, he didn't say a word, he just followed. Connor followed him across the yard in silence. He followed him onto the porch in silence. He followed him into the kitchen in complete silence.

Murphy went straight to the icebox & rummaged around, moving cans of soda, opening & shutting the crisper, pushing containers of leftover food around. He wasn't hungry in the least, he was trying to wait out his brother, he was trying to buy himself time to think.

It was dark in the kitchen, only a small light over the sink illuminating the quiet room, and Murphy didn't dare look around. He kept rummaging, hoping the quiet meant Connor had left the room. After the tenth time of pushing containers back & forth, Murphy couldn't fake it any longer. When he turned around, there was Connor. His twin was leaning against the counter, his arms crossed, shaking his head as he watched Murphy.

"What the fuck was all that?" Connor's voice sounded amused, he was obviously holding back a laugh.

"Nothing looked good."

"Oh...well that explains it then." Connor nodded, his voice still mocking, a slight laugh escaping his mouth. "I just figured after all that time moving stuff around you would have found something to tickle your fancy."

"Yeah, well...I didn't. Is that okay with you?"

"Sure, Murph. It's perfectly fine with me."

Connor started to follow Murphy as he left the kitchen, he was practically on top of him, he was so close. Connor wasn't about to let Murphy run away, he'd stick to him like glue if he had to. Murphy knew Connor wasn't about to back off, that much was obvious, but he hadn't figured out what to say about Jonathan so he had to get away. He hurried up the stairs, two at a time, Connor following suit.

When they reached their bedroom, Connor kicked the door shut as Murphy took off his shirt & dropped it on his bed, his back to his brother. Murphy expected Connor to start bugging him again about who Jonathan was but there was only silence from across the room. If Murphy hadn't been so concerned about what Connor might have seen, if he hadn't been so scared, he surely would have been annoyed by his brother's silence. Murphy hated silence from Connor, it wasn't normal for him to be this quiet, it was almost disturbing. Murphy walked into the bathroom & quietly shut the door, relieved Connor didn't follow him. Connor never even moved.

Once inside the safety of the bathroom, Murphy removed the sweatpants he was wearing...Jonathan's sweatpants. After Jonathan cleaned him up, he wouldn't let him put his own dirty clothes back on, he'd insisted Murphy wear what Jonathan gave him instead. They had laughed at how Jonathan's clothes fit Murphy's slender frame, or more precisely, how they didn't fit. The pants wouldn't stay up, the shirt looked like a tent...the only thing that fit were Jonathan's socks. They had finally settled on the sweatpants, which at least didn't fall to the floor after Jonathan tightened the drawstring at the waist.

Murphy was surprised by the size difference, he didn't think Jonathan was that much bigger than Connor, but he had worn the proof. Murphy was skinny when compared to his brother but he could still wear Connor's clothes with no problem. Jonathan's clothes were a different story. Murphy decided he liked the fact that Jonathan was bigger than his brother, he liked discovering a difference he hadn't noticed before.

Murphy removed the bandage from the small cut on his face & carefully folded Jonathan's sweatpants. He still didn't know how to explain who Jonathan was when he wasn't even sure how much Connor knew. How good of a lie would he have to come up with, how detailed? It all depended on what Connor saw. Connor was sharp, it'd have to be something believable otherwise Connor would know it was bullshit.

Murphy returned to the bedroom wearing only his boxers, sweatpants in hand. His footsteps faltered when he saw where Connor was & what he was doing.

Connor was sitting quietly on Murphy's bed, his head tilted downward, looking at Jonathan's shirt in his hands. Murphy hadn't even thought about Connor noticing the different clothes, but of course he would, Connor knew everything Murphy owned.

The floor creaked as Murphy walked to his dresser, Connor's head tilting slightly at the sound. Murphy set the sweatpants on top and turned to stare at his brother's back, seeing Connor's muscles flexing tightly with tension. Murphy studied how Connor's muscles moved, how they relaxed for only a moment before they'd tense up once again.

"I suppose this shirt goes with those sweatpants," Connor mumbled, holding the shirt out for Murphy to take.

Murphy took the few steps toward his brother, pausing for a moment before taking Jonathan's shirt from his hand. Connor hadn't turned around & as Murphy backed away, he stole a quick smell of the shirt, filling his nose with Jonathan's scent.

"Who was that guy, Murph?"

Murphy lowered the shirt from his face, folding it & placing it on top of the sweatpants. "I said don't worry about it Connor."

Murphy couldn't see Connor's face, all he could see was the shake of his head, the clenching of his fists on his thighs, the muscles in his back turning rock solid. "Don't worry about it? Really? You take off from the pub pissed as all fuck and disappear for hours. Some strange guy drops you off, _down the fucking street, _and you won't tell me who he is. I think I'm entitled to worry about it, Murphy."

Murphy could feel the tension coming off his twin in waves, he could feel the worry emanating from Connor's being, from his soul. There was no way around it, Murphy had to say something, he had to alleviate Connor's anguish. "His name is Jonathan."

"Jonathan. His name is Jonathan." Connor took a deep breath before continuing, his annoyance building. "And are those Jonathan's clothes you were wearing?"

"Yes."

Connor unclenched his fists & began to run his palms over his thighs, his leg bouncing up & down with unspent energy. "You want to explain what the fuck happened to your own clothes?"

No, Murphy really didn't want to explain, he'd rather eat shards of glass than explain, but Connor wouldn't relent until he had answers. "They got covered in dirt..."

"Dirt. So you put on someone else's clothes because you got dirty?"

"No...not just because I got dirty, Connor." Murphy sighed, he hated when Connor got like this. When he didn't listen, when he didn't let him finish, when he jumped to conclusions.

Connor looked over his shoulder at him but Murphy was looking down, he didn't see Connor turn. Murphy didn't see Connor's expression change when he noticed his brother's injuries for the first time, he didn't see the shock on his face, in his eyes. He didn't see the concern take over, the near panic.

"Come here, Murphy."

Without looking at his brother, Murphy knew Connor noticed his bandages, the tone of his voice told him. Murphy slowly walked to where his brother was seated, silently obeying Connor's command. Connor pulled on his arm for Murphy to sit next to him & the bed dipped with the weight of both boys. Murphy sat in silence staring straight ahead as Connor's eyes ran over his body & face, evaluating how badly he was hurt.

Connor took hold of Murphy's wrist, turning his arm to examine his palm, his finger lightly running across the bandage, lingering a bit too long. Murphy watched Connor's face as he reached for his other wrist, allowing his brother to hold his hands while he carefully inspected Jonathan's handiwork.

Murphy couldn't figure out what he saw in Connor's eyes. Love & concern, of course, but there was something else as well. Something _different_.

Connor glanced down to Murphy's knees before his eyes settled momentarily on the fresh bruise on his cheekbone. Connor's eyes again quickly scanned his twin, making sure he didn't miss anything, before he locked onto his blue eyes.

"This guy you were with. _Jonathan._ Did he do this to you?"

Murphy smiled, shaking his head slowly, his eyes unwavering. "He's the one who patched me up."

"Oh."

Connor felt a strange sensation...he felt a pang of jealousy course through his body, a wave of resentment. Murphy had been patched up by someone else, someone else had taken care of his brother, someone else had touched Murphy. And Murphy had let him.

Connor knew he was possessive of Murphy, sometimes a little _too_ possessive. But Connor was always the one Murphy ran to, he was the one Murphy cried out for, Connor was the one Murphy needed more than anyone else. Except for today. Today, someone else had taken his place. Today, Murphy needed someone else more.

"He did a good job." Connor nodded, his eyes looking again at the hands he still held. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Connor holding Murphy's hands, his fingers lightly tracing over & around the dressing. "What happened?"

Connor listened as Murphy told him how he'd been running and tripped over absolutely nothing, how he'd ripped his pants, how heavy he was bleeding. Murphy told him that Jonathan cleaned him up & made him put on clean clothes. He told Connor that Jonathan was the one who brought him home.

But Murphy didn't tell Connor everything. He didn't tell him about the kissing in the road, when Jonathan pinned him to the car. He didn't tell Connor about the kissing in the bathroom, when Murphy was only in his boxers. And he didn't tell Connor about the kiss in the car that he initiated, hoping maybe somehow Connor hadn't seen.

Connor still didn't look up, his eyebrows were drawn together, his eyes still staring at Murphy's hands the entire time Murphy spoke. Murphy noticed Connor was shaking, his fingers almost vibrating against Murphy's palms. "Are you okay, Murph? Do you need a doctor?"

Murphy's words were soft, gentle, reassuring. "I'm fine, Conn. Honest. It's not that bad."

Connor always fussed over Murphy, he always worried about him, ever since they were little kids. When they were young and Murphy got hurt, and he got hurt often, Connor would panic. He'd shake, he'd clutch Murphy close to his body, he'd plead with him not to die. And if there was even the smallest amount of blood, Connor wanted to take him to the hospital immediately. As they got older, Connor learned not to panic, he learned to control his reaction. Connor could control everything except the shaking...the shaking gave him away. And even though Murphy was fine, even though he wasn't hurt that badly, Connor felt his biggest fear come roaring back. Connor was afraid of losing Murph.

"Connor?"

Connor closed his eyes for a moment, nodded and took a cleansing breath. He lifted his head & looked into his younger brother's eyes, smiling for his Murph.

"How'd you know about Jonathan?"

Murphy held his breath, he had to know how much Connor saw, what he knew. And if Connor saw, he had to try to explain somehow.

"I saw you in his car."

"You-you saw us?"

Murphy couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't fucking breathe.

_Connor saw them. _

Connor nodded while Murphy felt the blood leave his body, he felt like he was dying. "You drove right by me, Murph. Of course, you were hurt so you probably didn't notice much of anything. I got a good look at his car though so when I saw it down the street I knew it was him bringing you home."

Murphy never felt so relieved in his life. Connor hadn't seen him kissing Jonathan, he'd only seen him riding in Jonathan's car earlier that day. Connor had no idea who Jonathan was or what Murphy was doing with him.

"How do you know this guy? This _Jonathan_?" Connor asked, his sensitivity about Jonathan not diminishing. Connor never met the guy but already he knew he didn't like him.

Now Murphy had to come up with a story, and quick. Connor was staring at him, waiting for an answer. The only thing Murphy could think to do was to somehow link Jonathan to his original lie.

"He's Charlotte's brother."

Connor nodded, his eyes drifting to the side. "That makes sense."

Murphy smiled, it did make sense. Connor barely knew Charlotte, so he'd never know who her brother was, or wasn't. Murphy was proud of himself, another great lie under his belt, all without staring at Connor's feet.

Connor released his hands & stood, looking down at his brother, confusing him.

"Conn? Aren't you gonna...you forgot to...you didn't..." Murphy suddenly stopped talking, his eyes pleading as he stared up at Connor.

Connor didn't mistake the look on his brother's face & he knew what Murphy wanted, what he needed. Murphy needed him, it was in his eyes. Murphy needed Connor.

"Conn?"

With that one whisper of his name, Connor melted. He'd do anything for Murphy, starting with kissing his boo-boo's.


	23. I Need to Explain

"You just missed your friend Jonathan, Murphy. He was in here asking about you again."

There was that name. The name that annoyed the fucking piss out of Connor, the name that made him grind his teeth together..._Jonathan. _Connor was beginning to hate that fucking name and the person attached to it. He didn't know why he hated the man, it's not like he ever met him, or even saw him before he had Murphy in his car. But something about seeing his twin in Jonathan's car bothered Connor, something about knowing he had taken care of his brother, knowing he had _touched_ Murphy. Connor didn't like that shit one bit, he was the only one who was supposed to touch Murph.

It really irked Connor that Murphy had come home dressed in the man's clothes. What the fuck was that? It didn't matter how dirty Murph's clothes were, how ripped, how bloody. Connor had seen Murphy caked in mud and blood before and he'd still worn his own clothes home, he'd never changed into someone else's clothes, not ever. But for some reason, this time was different. Murphy had come home clean, carefully bandaged & without his own clothes.

One thing Connor knew for certain...if he ever did meet Jonathan, if he spent even one minute with the man, he wouldn't like him. Not one bit.

Prior to last night, Jonathan was meaningless, he was nonexistent. At least to Connor. He'd never heard Murphy mention him before, not even in an inconsequential way. Connor thought he knew all of Murphy's friends, they shared many of the same ones, but Jonathan was someone new. He seemed to be more than "just Charlotte's brother," as Murphy described him.

No...Jonathan was somehow different.

Connor pondered the situation through most of the night, not sleeping, lying in his bed listening to Murphy breathe softly in his sleep. The more Connor thought about it, the more he was certain...Murphy knew Jonathan better than he let on. Maybe it was the way Murphy smiled when he said Jonathan patched him up. Or maybe it was the look in his eye when he said Jonathan's name, or how he blushed & looked away.

Whatever it was, Connor didn't fucking like it.

And now Connor was watching his brother squirm as the elderly man rang up their groceries, telling the twins again how Jonathan asked all sorts of questions about Murphy...questions about what he liked to eat, where he went to school, who he hung out with.

Murphy blushed more with each word he heard, his thumbnail between his teeth, his eyes not meeting Connor's.

"I told him you boys were always together, I rarely see one of you without the other," the old man said with a soft smile, his eyes crinkling as they honed in on Connor. "That's when he started asking questions about Connor."

That last sentence got Connor's attention, it made his head turn toward the old man, it made his eyes narrow. "Me? He asked about _me_?"

With a nod, the old man leaned forward, his voice in a hushed tone. "I thought it was quite odd, actually. He wanted to know how close you boys were and how you both act when you're together. It was all very strange, Connor."

Connor turned to look at his twin, noticing how Murphy's blush was no longer present. Instead, he was pale, his eyes were wide and he looked like he was about to be sick.

Murphy's head spun. That's it...he was fucked. Murphy hadn't told Jonathan that Connor was his brother, he'd only told him he was in love with Connor. He wanted to be the one to explain...it needed to come from him, not from some old guy in a grocery store.

Connor's eyes were on him, watching his reaction. Murphy tried to remain calm, he tried to keep his composure, he tried to look indifferent. But inside, he was shitting himself. Inside, he was shaking. Inside, Murphy felt like he was crumbling into a million pieces.

* * *

It was dark by the time he arrived at Jonathan's apartment.

He stood on the sidewalk, debating with himself, trying to decide if he'd made a mistake by coming over. Jonathan wasn't expecting him, maybe he wouldn't want to hear anything he had to say, maybe he should just leave.

No...no, he had to talk to Jonathan. He had to try to explain.

Murphy glanced at his watch. Ten o'clock...later than he thought. His eyes were drawn by movement at the window, a shadow moving behind the curtain, and he felt his heart speed up with a mixture of both excitement and fear.

He couldn't put this off, he had to set things right. This couldn't wait for another day, another time. Murphy walked to the door and he paused to listen, hearing Jonathan's muffled voice followed by his quiet laugh. There was soft music playing in the background, a slow jazzy song that Murphy didn't recognize, and again he wondered if he made a mistake by coming over.

The sound of another chuckle from Jonathan reached Murphy's ears & he rested his forehead against the door, wishing he could make out what was being said. Jonathan was talking & laughing with someone, he had company, he wasn't alone. And Murphy was about to intrude.

He took a deep breath, he'd come too far to turn back now, he had to see Jonathan. And if Jonathan got mad because Murphy interrupted, then he would just leave...Murphy would walk away, if that's what Jonathan wanted. He just hoped Jonathan would hear him out.

He was knocking on the door before he even realized he'd raised his hand. His heart skipped a beat as he heard the approach of footsteps, his palms were sweating, his mouth was dry. And when Jonathan opened the door, when Murphy saw the look on his face, he couldn't breathe.

The shocked look on Jonathan's face quickly turned into a smile, the same warm smile Murphy was growing to love more each day. Without a word, Jonathan motioned with his hand for Murphy to come inside, stepping aside to let him pass. Murphy could feel his eyes on the back of his head, on his body, as he walked into the living room with Jonathan trailing close behind.

Murphy expected to see someone sitting on the couch, some guy Jonathan would have already replaced him with, someone better. But there was no one. His eyes glanced down the hall, toward what he knew was Jonathan's bedroom. But again, there was no one. The bathroom door was open, the kitchen was empty...no one else was here.

"Give me a minute, okay?"

Murphy nodded, not having a clue what Jonathan needed a minute for, his eyes following him as he crossed the room & picked up the phone receiver that was resting on the table.

"I have to go, I have someone who just surprised me by stopping over...yes, someone special." Jonathan spoke into the phone as he turned to look at Murphy, his eyes unblinking, staring. "He's amazing."

Amazing? Murphy had never been described like that before, not by anyone. Jonathan broke into a wide smile at whatever was said in his ear, his eyes still watching his nervous visitor. Murphy still couldn't believe it...Jonathan thought he was amazing.

"Murphy."

"Yeah?"

Jonathan chuckled & shook his head, covering the mouthpiece with his hand. "I was just telling her your name."

Murphy nodded, relieved that Jonathan was talking to a "her" and not a "him." Murphy wanted to run from the house, he was so nervous & scared, even more so now that he knew Jonathan thought he was amazing.

"Mmm-hmmm, he is. _Very_ cute."

Murphy looked away, it was odd to hear someone talk so openly about him while he was standing there listening. He took a step away from Jonathan, acting like he was looking at a picture on the wall, trying to hide his deepening crimson blush. On one hand, he was embarrassed & he wanted Jonathan to stop. But on the other hand, he wanted to hear more...a lot more.

"He's actually kind of shy," Jonathan said in a slightly lowered voice. "I think I'm embarrassing him right now. Yes...I like him a lot, he really is amazing."

There was that word again...amazing. In the short span of just a few minutes, Jonathan used that word to describe him for a second time.

"I have to go. I don't want to keep Murphy waiting any longer. All right...I'll tell him." Murphy heard Jonathan loudly sigh & he looked over his shoulder at the smirking man, catching Jonathan staring at his ass. Jonathan's eyes lifted to Murphy's face & they held his gaze while Jonathan listened to the woman on the phone.

"I don't kiss and tell. I'm hanging up now."

With a dramatic roll of his eyes, Jonathan hung up the phone as Murphy turned his body to face him. Jonathan's demeanor surprised him, he expected Jonathan to be angry, hurt...disgusted. Jonathan should be all those things but he wasn't. Instead he seemed happy to see Murphy, he seemed pleased...excited.

Jonathan slowly crossed the room & Murphy froze, watching his approach, unsure of what Jonathan was about to do. When Jonathan reached him, he stood unmoving, just staring deeply into Murphy's eyes. It felt like he was trying to see what was going on in Murphy's head, like he was trying to figure him out.

Murphy finally looked down, dropping his chin to his chest, trying to think of how to start his explanation. He closed his eyes & gathered his thoughts, not having a clue how to start, what to say, how not to cry.

Jonathan cupped his face in his hands, his thumbs softly stroking his cheeks, carefully avoiding the bruise over Murphy's cheekbone. Murphy didn't want to look at him, not when he was stroking his face with such a delicate touch, he was too afraid of what he would see in his eyes.

"I'm supposed to tell you that my friends say I seem happier since I met you," Jonathan quietly confessed, his thumbs still stroking.

Murphy loved the idea of making someone happy, of making _Jonathan_ happy. He'd never made anyone happy before...not like this. As Jonathan held his face, he felt Murphy's smile develop & grow under his fingers as his words sunk in.

Murphy didn't look up until Jonathan lifted his head with his hands and he looked into Jonathan's hooded eyes once again. Murphy had never seen a look like that before, at least not directed his way, and he couldn't help but squirm in Jonathan's grip.

"Relax, Murphy."

But he couldn't relax, not with those eyes looking so deeply into his, not after seeing the blatant desire Jonathan couldn't hide. Jonathan had the slightest smile on his lips & he slowly lowered his face closer until his wet lips locked onto Murphy's mouth.

Murphy let him kiss his lips, he let him slide his tongue into his mouth, and he let Jonathan stroke his face while he did these things. With every swirl of Jonathan's tongue, he got lost even more in the man. His tongue began to play back, his lips moving to the rhythm Jonathan set, his breathing deeper with each passing moment.

Murphy's hands moved to the man's waist, clutching tightly to his taut muscles, pulling him closer. Jonathan smiled against his lips & moved his hand from Murphy's face down to his neck, stroking his hot skin, feeling his quickening pulse under his thumb.

Jonathan's tongue pushed deeper into Murphy's mouth, his other hand grabbing a fistful of hair, their bodies flush against each other. When Jonathan pushed his groin into Murphy's, he felt the boy suddenly pull back, turning his head away from Jonathan as he broke their kiss, the hands on his waist now slack.

Jonathan loosened his grasp of Murphy's hair, trying to ease off just enough to relax Murphy without letting him go. When Murphy didn't pull further away, Jonathan dipped his head & captured Murphy's mouth once again with his lips, his tongue gaining quick access to the mouth he had been craving since he met the boy.

Just as Jonathan grasped his soft hair tight in his fingers once more, Murphy pulled away, this time pushing at Jonathan's chest gently. Their mouths broke free, their bodies moved apart, Jonathan's fingers reluctantly left Murphy's skin.

"Jonathan...stop. We need to talk."

Murphy watched Jonathan's face morph, it changed from hot and excited to hurt and confused in the span of a millisecond. He knew by the look on his face that he misunderstood, he'd hurt him unintentionally.

"I didn't mean we need to talk like I don't want to see you anymore, that's not what I meant...not at all," Murphy quickly mumbled, trying not to lose his nerve as Jonathan's expression relaxed only marginally, his guard still raised.

Murphy's thumb quickly swiped at his mouth, wiping the moisture from Jonathan's kiss off his lips. "I just meant we need to talk...I need to explain. About...about Connor."

Jonathan rubbed the back of his neck, looking away for a moment, stretching his muscles. He took a deep breath before he looked once again at Murphy. "What about Connor?"

The irritation on Jonathan's face was obvious. His eyes had hardened, his body was stiff, his lips firm. He was trying to keep his calm, his composure, his temper in check. But he was failing.

Murphy shifted on his feet as his body began to sweat, not because he was excited like a few minutes ago, but sweating because he was suddenly nervous beyond belief. Jonathan's gaze didn't waver, his eyes didn't falter...but Murphy's did. Murphy looked everywhere but at Jonathan, his eyes eventually turning downward & locking onto the hardwood floor.

"I just thought you deserved an explanation, Jonathan. You deserved to hear it from me, not from some stranger in a store."

"Go ahead. Explain it to me then."

That was just it though, Murphy didn't know how to explain it, he didn't know how to make Jonathan understand, he didn't even know how to begin. So instead he remained quiet, trying to think of what to say, not looking at the man who had just kissed him with such passion but was now looking at him with such anger.

"You can't explain it, can you?"

Murphy realized Jonathan was right, he couldn't explain it because he didn't understand it himself. He didn't understand how he could fall in love with his brother, his twin, his Connor. It was impossible to understand something that defied explanation by its mere existence.

"I know all about Connor. You don't have to explain why you still spend time with him, Murphy. I know why."

Murphy waited...he waited for Jonathan to tell him how sick he was, how disgusting...how wrong he was for being in love with his brother. He waited to hear the words he'd said to himself a million times.

"I know he's still a close friend of yours. But Murphy, he doesn't feel the same way about you and he never will. Why be friends with someone who causes you such pain? You'd be better off not seeing him anymore."

Murphy suddenly realized Jonathan didn't know "all about Connor," he really didn't know shit. He thought Connor was just his friend, a friend he fell in love with, nothing more. No one had told Jonathan the truth about who Connor actually was.

Jonathan continued in a low voice, trying to convince Murphy of something he already knew. "Connor doesn't want you. He'll never be in love with you, he'll never kiss you like I do, he'll never take you into his bed and make love to you. He's not your other half, Murphy."

Murphy couldn't help but shake his head. Connor _was_ his other half, just not in the way Jonathan meant...or the in the way Murphy wanted. He almost told Jonathan that Connor was his twin brother, his other half in that sense, but as he looked into Jonathan's eyes, he just couldn't form the words. His mouth wouldn't open, his lips wouldn't move, his tongue stilled.

"Connor doesn't want you but I do. I want every piece of you, Murphy. I want your mind, your body and especially your heart. But you have to be willing to take a chance on us & forget about Connor."

The anger in Jonathan's eyes was fading, the burning heat of desire still apparent in his gaze as Murphy considered his words. It wasn't fair what he was doing to Jonathan, he was trying to move on with him but a part of him was still clinging to Connor, a part of him still hadn't let go. And that's what he needed to do, he needed to let Connor go...he had to.

"I'm not asking you to stop being his friend, I don't own you. But I am asking you to stop spending so much time with him. I'm asking you to choose me over Connor. Choose me over someone who will never love you the way I can."

Murphy didn't know what to say, how could he ever stop spending time with Connor? He was his brother, they lived in the same house, they slept in the same room...Connor was his best friend. He stood quietly watching Jonathan's face, knowing if Jonathan knew the entire story, he might change his mind.

Murphy decided not to tell Jonathan that Connor was his brother. It would serve no purpose at this point other than to muddy the waters. He'd tell Jonathan the truth once he was certain he could handle it, once he knew Jonathan wouldn't leave him, once he knew they were madly in love. Then, and only then, would he tell Jonathan the truth about Connor.

So once again, Murphy wasn't honest. Once again, he lied by omission.

Murphy told Jonathan he'd been friends with Connor forever...which was pretty much true.

Murphy told Jonathan that Connor liked girls and there could never be anything but friendship between them...which was pretty much true.

Murphy told Jonathan he was ready to move on, he was over Connor, he was no longer in love with him...which was a complete fucking lie. Only Murphy didn't realize it.

Jonathan listened carefully, his eyes watching Murphy, evaluating his intent. When Murphy was done speaking, Jonathan took him by his hand & walked him to the front door. Murphy's eyes glistened with tears as Jonathan opened the door & motioned with his hand for him to leave.

"I want you to go home, Murphy. Go home & think about what I said."

Jonathan released his hand & Murphy took slow steps forward, turning back to look at Jonathan once he was outside. Jonathan's face was set in stone, no emotion was displayed, the man had total control over himself...unlike Murphy.

"Jonathan?" Murphy's voice was soft, choked with emotion, tears building. How could Jonathan just send him away? How could he do this?

"You heard me, go home."

"But...but I thought you wanted me."

Jonathan's voice was finally filled with emotion once again, finally filled with tenderness. "I do. I do want you, Murphy. But you need to decide who it is _you_ want...me or Connor. You can't have us both."

A solitary tear slid down Murphy's face, his bottom lip between his teeth to stop his chin from quivering.

"If you choose me, then come back on Wednesday like we planned. But if you choose to chase someone who'll never want you, then don't come back at all, let me go."

Jonathan's words echoed in the cool night air, his words laced with a trace of bitterness along with a sense of hope. Jonathan turned away from Murphy's tear stained face, shutting the door quietly as Murphy stood dumbfounded. Murphy listened as Jonathan locked the door, he heard his footsteps as he walked away, he watched as the lights in Jonathan's apartment turned off one by one.

And Murphy slowly turned away...walking toward home. Alone.


	24. Decision

Murphy barely slept that night. Each time he closed his eyes he saw Jonathan's face, he heard his words echoing in his mind..._"I'm asking you to choose me over Connor. Choose me over someone who will never love you the way I can." _

Murphy didn't know what to do...he wanted to be with Jonathan but he could _never_ choose anyone over Connor, that wasn't even an option. Connor would always be first & foremost in his life. Even if they were never anything more than just brothers, Connor would still be first, always and forever.

But Jonathan was right...Connor would never love him the way Jonathan could. Connor would never kiss him like he needed to be kissed. Connor would never take him to bed like he wanted.

Connor was his brother. But Jonathan could be his lover.

By the time the sun rose, Murphy had it all figured out. It was so easy he was surprised he didn't think of it sooner. Connor didn't want him & he never would, so the choice was simple. Murphy would choose Jonathan as his lover. He could even tell Jonathan he chose him & have it not be a lie. He just wouldn't tell him he chose Connor in everything else, that's all. Easy. Murphy could have them both.

"Hey...I was talking to you."

Connor stood next to his bed looking down at him with concerned eyes as the morning sun began to light their room. Connor couldn't help but be concerned about his younger sibling, Murphy had been acting so strange lately & worrying just came naturally to Connor...Murphy always joked it was in his DNA. He knew he worried too much about Murph, he fussed over him & babied him far too often, but Murphy didn't seem to mind. In fact, Murphy usually encouraged it, he seemed to practically revel in Connor's attention.

Murphy smiled at him and that was all it took to relax Connor. Murphy's smile always had that effect on him. The world could be coming to an end but as long as Murphy smiled at him, Connor wouldn't worry. Connor smiled back...Murphy knew how to work him but Connor didn't care, just so long as Murphy was happy.

"Move over."

Murphy quickly scooted to the side, lifting the blanket as Connor slid in bed next to him. Murphy rolled onto his side, facing his brother, and they instantly curled into each other, arms & legs intertwining. Connor was on his back & Murphy's head fit into the crook of Connor's shoulder, his dark hair tickling Connor's bare skin. Connor rested his cheek on Murphy's head & he pressed his nose into Murphy's hair.

"How come you smell different?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Murphy practically laughed, his voice filled with confusion...why would he smell any different?

Connor took another sniff of Murphy's hair, not liking the scent that lingered on his twin. "Your hair smells different."

Connor felt Murphy stiffen against his body, shifting slightly before mumbling, "I smell like I always smell, Connor."

"No you don't. I know how you smell, Murph, and you smell different."

Murphy shifted in Connor's arms, sliding his head away from Connor's face. _Jonathan kissed Murphy last night, he had his hands in his hair, Murphy must smell a little like Jonathan._ Connor shifted, trying to smell Murphy's hair again but Murphy wiggled further away.

"Quit smelling me, Connor. It's weird."

Connor relaxed his grip on his twin, knowing how Murphy would react. By letting Murphy go, by giving him space, Murphy would want to be closer. Connor relaxed his grip further, shifting his body away from his brother & turning his head to the side.

As soon as Connor slid away, Murphy tightened his grip around his body & shifted with him, moving closer, returning his head to the crook of Connor's shoulder. Murphy wasn't about to let Connor move away from him.

"Don't, Conn," Murphy softly whined, his voice a breathy whisper, his breath hot on Connor's chest.

With that soft fucking voice Murphy sometimes used, he got what he wanted. Connor leaned back into his brother & pulled him close.

They laid in comfortable silence, holding each other, listening to each other breathe. Connor knew the moment Murphy fell asleep, he felt it inside, it was just something he knew. Connor always thought it was funny how even in sleep, Murphy didn't relax his grip on him. If anything, he held on tighter, almost as if he were afraid he'd lose Connor somehow.

With Murphy asleep, Connor took the opportunity to smell his hair again. He had to know what that smell was and why it was on his brother. He pressed his face into his twin's mussed hair, quietly inhaling his scent. It was a strange mixture...definitely Murphy but a touch of something else mixed in, something spicy. Connor inhaled again, rubbing his face across the dark locks, loving the feel of Murphy's soft hair on his skin. It took another deep inhale before Connor could determine the smell that was all over his brother.

Cologne...it was a man's cologne.

No, it couldn't be. Why would Murphy smell like cologne? Murphy never wore the stuff, he didn't even own any, and that smell was nothing Connor owned. He took another deep breath. The smell was familiar, like he'd smelled it somewhere before...like he smelled it on Murphy before.

"What time is it?"

Connor hadn't noticed Murphy was awake until he asked that question, he was consumed with trying to figure that smell out. Connor glanced at the clock, groaning. "Time to get up, Murph. You can shower first this morning." Connor wanted that smell off Murphy as fast as possible, he didn't like it one bit, it contaminated Murphy's naturally sweet scent.

They released each other & sat up at the same time, both wiping the sleep from their eyes in unison. Murphy smiled at him again but it didn't have the same calming effect as before, Connor was too focused on what he saw on Murphy's dresser.

"I won't be long," Murphy quietly mumbled, not noticing his brother's distraction.

As soon as the bathroom door shut, Connor didn't waste any time, he went straight to his brother's dresser. He stared at the shirt that was carefully folded & resting on the sweatpants Murphy had worn home two days prior, the day Jonathan had patched his brother up. Jonathan's fucking clothes.

His hands practically shook as he picked up the shirt, letting it fall open in his hands. He fully expected to smell Murphy on the clothing, after all, he'd worn the shirt for at least a couple hours. Connor hoped...no, he prayed...the shirt wouldn't smell like that cologne. He paused before he brought the shirt to his nose, inhaling deeply.

It was the same cologne, only stronger smelling on the shirt, the garment reeking of the spicy scent. And it was most definitely what he smelled in his brother's hair this morning. The smell was Jonathan's cologne. And that smell had been all over his brother.

What the fuck?

* * *

Murphy was happily oblivious. He thought he had it all figured out. He didn't have to choose, he could have both Connor _and_ Jonathan...he could have them both but in different ways.

He'd enjoy being with Connor as much as ever, he wouldn't fantasize about him anymore once he was with Jonathan, he just knew he wouldn't. He'd never be able to give up Connor regardless, but this way, he could still be with him. This way, he'd still have Connor.

And he'd still have Jonathan as well. He'd have a relationship with Jonathan. He'd choose Jonathan to be his lover. Jonathan would be the one he'd kiss, the one he'd be intimate with, the one who would touch him in the way Connor wouldn't.

It was the best of both worlds. And it was perfect.

Murphy got through the rest of Tuesday without a care in the world, too exhausted to notice the change in Connor, how he watched him even closer than before. Murphy was too content in his decision to notice much of anything.

On Wednesday morning he waited for Connor to be busy in the bathroom before he carefully hid Jonathan's clothes deep in his backpack, stacking his school books on top of the clothing. He'd go straight to Jonathan's apartment after school, just like they planned. And he'd give him back his clothes and Murphy would tell him he chose to be with him. He couldn't wait to see Jonathan's face when he told him, he wanted to see that smile again.

Murphy already knew what he'd tell Connor, he had his excuse all worked out, the details perfectly crafted. He'd tell Connor he was going to Charlotte's after school to study & she wanted him to stay for dinner. He'd tell Connor she was renting movies & he'd be out late, Connor shouldn't wait up, he didn't know what time he'd be home. And Connor would believe him, he'd be happy for him, he'd probably tell him to have fun.

When Connor walked out of the bathroom, the first thing he noticed was the stench of that cologne. He glanced at Murphy's dresser, noticing that the fucker's clothes were no longer there. That explained the smell in the air. When Murphy moved them, the smell of Jonathan's cologne filled the room again.

Murphy was putting on his shoes & Connor looked around, wondering what he did with the clothes. His eyes were drawn to Murphy's backpack...it looked odd, it was bulging out in weird places, it was too full. The clothes had to be in there but why did Murphy hide it? If he was returning them today, what was the big fucking deal?

That's when Murphy told Connor he had plans after school, he was going to Charlotte's, Connor would have to walk home alone. Connor listened patiently, not entirely believing his twin for some odd reason even though Murphy didn't stare at his feet with his tell-tale _"lying to Connor"_ sign. Maybe if he hadn't hidden the clothes in his backpack he'd be more believable. Hiding something like that meant Murph was hiding something else as well.

Connor just wasn't quite sure what Murphy was hiding. But he intended to find out.

* * *

Murphy stood outside Jonathan's apartment, staring at his door, waiting for him to answer his knock. He'd done what Jonathan told him to do...he'd gone home & thought about what he said. He'd made a decision. And now he was back.

After the third knock, the door slowly opened and Murphy took a step forward, eager to see Jonathan's smile. But there was no smile on Jonathan's face, his expression was stern, his demeanor aloof, his emotions unflappable. "You came."

Murphy expected him to move aside & invite him in but Jonathan stayed in place, his body blocking the entrance. He didn't understand why Jonathan wasn't letting him in, he told Murphy to come back on Wednesday like they planned. And it was Wednesday.

"Can I come in?" Murphy quietly asked, shifting from foot to foot, hoping Jonathan wouldn't turn him away.

"I suppose." Jonathan pushed the door open wider & shifted to the side, his eyes glued to Murphy's face as he approached the threshold. Just as Murphy was about to move past him, Jonathan reached out & grabbed him by his bicep, his fingers pressing hard into the muscle. "If you come in, you better have made the right decision. Otherwise don't bother."

Murphy looked up into his face & slowly nodded, his face conveying his surprise at how Jonathan grabbed him. Murphy wanted to tell him his decision then & there, he wanted to make Jonathan smile with joy and relief, he wanted Jonathan to be tender with him again. But he wanted to tell him in private, not in the doorway where someone could hear.

After a moment, Jonathan released him & followed him into the living room, slowly walking around Murphy and ending up in front of him. Murphy dropped his backpack to the floor as Jonathan crossed his arms, his eyes scrutinizing Murphy's face. "So why are you here?"

Murphy shrugged with a nervous little smile. "It's Wednesday." Murphy stood watching him, it should be obvious why he was here, Jonathan should know...he's the one who told him to come back today.

Jonathan uncrossed his arms & adjusted his belt, almost casually, before he put his hands in his pockets. His eyes never left Murphy's face & Murphy tried not to squirm as Jonathan waited in silence. Murphy started to chew on his lip, his breathing loud in his own ears, not sure what was happening. He didn't know what Jonathan expected, what he was hoping for, why he was acting so cold, so distant.

Jonathan didn't cut him any slack, he didn't help him along, he didn't yield in the least. He stood motionless, stone-faced, impassive...waiting.

Murphy took the few tentative steps toward Jonathan, closing the gap between them & stopping directly in front of him. He cleared his throat, trying to sound sure of himself even though he felt like he was standing on quicksand. "I thought about what you said and...and I choose you, Jonathan. I want to be with you. That's why I'm here."

When Jonathan still didn't respond, Murphy impulsively leaned forward & pressed his lips to Jonathan's mouth. He closed his eyes & kissed Jonathan with all the emotion he had, everything he had bottled up in his heart was put into that one kiss.

Jonathan let Murphy kiss him but he didn't respond, he didn't kiss back and Murphy soon pulled away, looking down at his feet. Murphy felt like crying, his emotions clawing at his heart, Jonathan didn't want him anymore. Murphy was prepared to give him his heart but Jonathan didn't want it. Murphy took a step back & turned to walk away but Jonathan reached out & took him by his wrist, stopping his departure.

"Murphy." Jonathan's voice was soft, the gentle tone was back, the coldness from before fading. He tugged at Murphy's wrist, drawing him back. Murphy allowed Jonathan to pull him closer, all the while still looking at his feet, still unable to look at Jonathan's face. Murphy was bewildered, he didn't know what the fuck was going on...did Jonathan want him or not?

"I'm glad you made the right decision. I was worried for a minute." Jonathan's hand slid from his wrist & he took Murphy by the hand, his other hand reaching for his face. His fingers stroked Murphy's cheek, sliding slowly down to his mouth, gently tracing his lips with his index finger. "Kiss me."

Murphy hesitated, he was afraid Jonathan wouldn't kiss him back, he was afraid Jonathan would push him away. He finally looked at the man stroking his face, he finally saw the smile he had missed so much, he finally saw the desire back in those eyes.

Murphy leaned forward, pausing just before his lips would touch Jonathan's, still unsure of his reaction. He just couldn't do it, he just couldn't take the initiative, he just couldn't take the chance...not after Jonathan had rebuffed him. Murphy pulled back slightly, too scared to move that final inch closer to those smiling lips.

Jonathan was staring at Murphy's mouth, waiting for the contact he craved, wanting all the boy had to offer. When he realized Murphy wasn't about to kiss him, Jonathan's hand moved from Murphy's face & slid into his hair, his fingers feathering their way through his thick strands. His fingers pushed gently on the back of his head, urging him forward, closer to his waiting mouth.

Their lips made contact & Murphy inhaled deeply, lifting his head toward Jonathan & parting his lips as his eyes closed. Jonathan didn't hesitate & he slid his tongue into Murphy's mouth, gently probing, his lips softly moving against that delicious mouth.

Jonathan held back, he dug deep & found his self-control. He kept his kisses somewhat tame, he didn't allow his hands to roam like he wanted, he didn't let his lust ruin what had barely begun. He was gentle and tender, his kisses soft & sweet, his sexual appetite temporarily contained.

When he broke the kiss, Murphy leaned forward, trying to keep his lips in contact with Jonathan's mouth...wanting more. Jonathan chuckled, giving Murphy's mouth a soft peck, his hand relaxing in his hair as he pulled away further.

Murphy licked his lips, distracting Jonathan for a moment, causing the man to smirk. When Murphy saw his reaction, he slowly ran his tongue over his top lip as Jonathan stared. "I do love your mouth, Murphy."

"Then kiss me some more."

Jonathan cocked his head, considering Murphy's request, tempted to start what he may not be able to stop. He took a deep breath, pulling his focus from that ravenous mouth before him. "No...I want to talk first."

Murphy laughed out loud, expecting Jonathan to shut him up with a kiss. But Jonathan stood patiently watching him & Murphy laughed again, realizing Jonathan was serious. "Really? You want to talk? About what?"

Jonathan gently brushed Murphy's hair out of his eyes, his voice once again firm. "About us. And how you're going to make it up to me for what you put me through the last couple days."


	25. Watching

Just as Connor suspected...he fucking knew it.

Murphy didn't leave school with Charlotte, they actually went in entirely different directions. Murphy didn't even acknowledge her before he left, he walked right past her like she wasn't even there, he didn't even slow down.

Murphy lied to Connor, he flat out lied to him. There was no date with Charlotte, Murphy wasn't going to her house...he lied about the whole fucking thing.

Connor had watched his brother in school all day Wednesday, waiting to see him steal glances at Charlotte, waiting to see him smile at her, waiting to see him talk to her even once. But none of that happened. It was like Murphy had no interest in her whatsoever, like she was just some girl he barely knew, like she was no one special to him.

But Charlotte...Charlotte stared at Murphy constantly, she was practically drooling. Her interest in his twin was obvious to anyone with eyes, it was like she was waiting for Murphy to notice her...but he never did.

It didn't make any fucking sense. They acted like strangers, not like people who were dating.

But it did make sense if Charlotte was just a cover for whatever Murphy was hiding from his brother, whatever secret he had, whatever he was doing on the sly. Now _that_ made sense.

Connor didn't know how Jonathan fit in with Murphy's secret but Connor was sure he was prominent, he might even be the key piece, the central figure. All the pieces pointed to Jonathan.

Murphy had tried to keep Jonathan hidden. He had been reluctant to tell Connor that Jonathan had taken care of him, given him clothes to wear, drove him home. In fact, if Connor hadn't forced him, Murph would never have said a word.

Then there were the clothes hidden in Murphy's backpack, Jonathan's clothes. Murphy kept them tucked away & hidden from view, lugging them from class to class along with his books. He didn't give the clothes to Charlotte to return to her brother, even though he had plenty of opportunity to do so.

But the thing that gnawed at Connor the most, the thing that burned in his gut, was that smell...that fucking smell that was all over Murphy, contaminating him. Murphy came home smelling like Jonathan...not Charlotte, but Jonathan. And that made Connor's blood boil.

When the bell rang to end school, Connor felt compelled to follow Murphy, he had to find out what the fuck was so important that Murphy would lie to _him_, of all people. Connor kept hidden as best he could and Murphy was so focused he didn't seem to suspect he was being followed. Connor followed him across town until they finally ended up across the street from an apartment building.

Connor watched his brother stare at the building, his eyes locked onto one door in particular as if he were mesmerized, as if behind that door held magic. They didn't know anyone who lived in this part of town & Connor couldn't figure out why Murph was even here to begin with. The longer Murphy stood staring, the more anxious Connor became.

Murphy had developed a nervous habit recently & his hand made its way to his mouth, his teeth gnawing on his thumbnail as he continued to stare unblinking across the street. Connor really hated seeing Murphy like this & he wished he knew what was going on so he could fix it. Connor ducked behind a tree when Murphy suddenly began looking around, like he was afraid of being seen at this apartment, like he was doing something covert.

Connor kept hidden until he heard the knock of a door, peaking around the tree & spotting Murphy standing in front of the very apartment he had been staring at for the past couple minutes. He watched his brother fidget & squirm before knocking a second and third time when no one answered.

Connor shook his head, Murph looked like he was shitting himself, he was so nervous. But when the door slowly swung open, when Connor saw who his brother had lied about meeting, Connor was the one shitting himself.

Connor recognized the fucker from seeing Murphy riding in his car. _Jonathan. _The fucker who had touched his brother, the fucker who had his stink all over Murph, the fucker who was making his twin tell lies. Shit, Connor fucking hated him.

Connor watched quietly, not liking the look Jonathan was giving his brother, not liking it one bit. Murphy still looked nervous, he was still fidgeting, he was still shifting on his feet. But Jonathan was cool & collected, that man had total control over himself, unlike Murph.

Connor hoped Murphy would reach into his backpack & give the fucker his clothes back. Just give them back & go home. But instead, Murphy stepped forward when Jonathan pushed the door open...shit, he was going inside.

That's when Jonathan grabbed Murph's arm. That's when Murphy stared at Jonathan & slowly nodded. That's when Connor almost fucking lost it.

Connor took a step forward, his hands clenched into fists, ready to beat the shit out of Jonathan for grabbing Murphy like that. Connor took a few more steps toward the pair, his eyes glued to his brother, wondering why Murphy didn't pull away, why he let Jonathan grab him, why he was even here in the first place.

Jonathan let go of Murphy's arm & Connor stopped his forward progress, stunned into immobility as Murphy walked into the apartment without hesitation. Jonathan quietly shut the door, separating Connor from his younger brother. He ran across the street, stopping at the door & placing his ear against the wood, trying to listen but hearing nothing.

He didn't think twice & he really didn't give a fuck...he tried the door, intending to burst in if necessary, but finding it locked tight. That's when he began to feel a sense of panic, a sense of foreboding...he felt like he couldn't breathe. It was the same feeling he got whenever Murphy was hurt. He felt like the most important thing in his world, his Murph, was being taken from him.

The curtains were drawn but that wouldn't stop him from trying to see inside, he had to make sure Murphy was safe. He moved to the glass, trying to peer between the folds of the curtain, trying to see his twin.

He got a quick glimpse of Murphy as his twin dropped his backpack to the floor and then moved out of sight. Murph didn't look like he was in trouble, he didn't appear to be in distress of any kind. He looked flustered, nervous & highly confused. Murph looked..._emotional_.

After a few moments of seeing & hearing nothing, Connor backed off, determining his brother wasn't in any immediate danger. He didn't want to get caught peering into Jonathan's window...Murphy would never understand.

But Connor wouldn't leave, he couldn't walk away, he had to wait for Murphy...no matter how long it took. He just wished he knew what was going on in that apartment.

* * *

"It was hard on me too, Jonathan."

Murphy's words were softly spoken, his eyes full of misery, his mind still confused by Jonathan's reaction when he first arrived at his door. He tried not to be hurt but he just couldn't help it...it hurt.

"I imagine it was," Jonathan conceded, his hand stroking Murphy's hair as he considered the quiet words mumbled by the boy he had just kissed. "And I am sorry for that."

Murphy liked the feeling of Jonathan petting his hair, it felt comfortable, familiar...it reminded him of Connor doing the same thing many times. Murphy felt his body relaxing to the gentle touch, his head turning toward the lingering hand, his skin craving more than just a passing glance of Jonathan's thumb across his brow.

"Jonathan?"

Jonathan barely heard Murphy, his voice was the softest Jonathan ever heard come from those lips. When Murphy spoke in that breathy quality, when his voice was barely a whisper, Jonathan felt his attraction to the owner of that hushed voice overwhelming.

"Jonathan?" Murphy again quietly breathed out, waiting for Jonathan to acknowledge him before he continued.

"Hmmm?" Jonathan concentrated on the feel of Murphy's hair between his fingers, marveling at how thick & incredibly soft the dark strands were. He felt Murphy lean further into his hand, obviously enjoying Jonathan's ministrations, loving the attention, wanting it to continue.

Murphy took a deep breath, his chest heavy with the need to ask for a promise. A promise he needed before he could forgive Jonathan, a promise if denied by Jonathan, would crush him and most certainly doom their relationship.

"Promise me...promise me you'll always kiss me back, Jonathan. Don't ever not kiss me back, okay?"

Jonathan's hand stilled, suddenly realizing the depth with which he hurt Murphy simply by not responding to his sweet kiss. He cupped Murphy's cheek as he leaned forward & said in a voice meant to convey the sincerity he felt, "I promise."

"I need you to say it." Murphy didn't know why he needed to hear the actual words spoken, the words _'I promise'_ should have been enough but they just weren't. If it was Connor, they would have been enough but for some reason, he needed more from Jonathan.

"I promise I will always kiss you back. Always. Okay?"

Murphy nodded & with a quick smile he leaned forward, putting the promise to the test. Jonathan instantly responded to Murphy's enthusiasm, kissing back just like he promised, kissing him so that Murphy felt it down to his toes. It was an intense kiss filled with emotion, a promise of more to come and a hint of what could be. It was just the right amount of wetness & tongue and when Murphy pulled away, his knees felt weak & his head spun.

"That was nice." Again Murphy's soft voice pulled at Jonathan, it captivated him, it owned him.

"_Very_ nice," Jonathan agreed.

All Murphy wanted was to make things right, to please Jonathan, to make him happy. If Jonathan was happy, then Murphy would be happy...that's how it worked, right? "Jonathan? I'll make it up to you, just like you said. Just tell me how."

Jonathan dropped his head & the sound of his soft laugh was music to Murphy's ears. It told him Jonathan still found him charming, he was amused by him, he was back to being the man Murphy wanted to fall in love with. The cold man from earlier seemed to have disappeared & Murphy hoped he'd never return.

"That kiss was a real good start, Murphy."

"Are you still mad at me?" He couldn't help but ask, he had to know where he stood...just because Jonathan kissed him didn't mean he wasn't still mad. After all, Connor kissed Katie dozens of times when he was still mad at her so Jonathan might do the same.

"No, I'm not mad any more. Are you still hurt?"

Murphy didn't know how Jonathan knew he was hurt, he thought he hid it well. He thought about lying, he almost said he wasn't hurt at all but then he remembered...he wanted to be honest with him, about everything except Connor.

"A bit."

"I guess we _both_ have a lot to make up to each other then," Jonathan whispered, trying to match Murphy's soft intonation. "Will you stay? And let me start?"

Murphy quickly nodded, a grin forming on his face, his tender Jonathan was back. "I'll stay."

* * *

"I get a little possessive sometimes, Murphy. I want you all to myself. I just don't want to share you with anyone, not even your brother."

Murphy nearly laughed out loud...if Jonathan only knew his brother was the Connor he was in love with he'd freak out. But Jonathan wasn't ready for that knowledge, not yet anyway. It was too much, too soon.

They were sitting on the couch facing each other, talking quietly for the past couple hours, their fingers lightly touching & toying with each other's hands. Jonathan said he wanted to talk, he wanted to get to know Murphy better. Jonathan wanted to learn _everything_ about him, the conversation eventually turning to Murphy's brother.

Murphy did his best to talk about anything else, anything other than Connor. He'd avoided it quite well actually, engaging Jonathan in discussions about their likes & loves, thrilled when he found something they had in common.

Jonathan was so much like Connor it was scary, he liked a lot of the same things, had the same outlook on life, the same things made him laugh. Murphy tried to focus on the differences, but it seemed the more he got to know Jonathan, the more he reminded him of Connor.

Jonathan again steered the conversation back to the topic at hand, back to the person Murphy was still desperately trying to get over. And talking about him certainly didn't help.

"I'm still waiting to hear about your brother, Murphy. I don't understand why you won't tell me anything about him."

Murphy knew why...he was afraid he'd slip up. He'd have to talk in generalizations, he wouldn't be able to say Connor's name, otherwise Jonathan would know his secret. And when Murphy started talking about Connor, he didn't think...he only felt. And that was dangerous.

"I really do love your hands, Jonathan." Murphy tickled Jonathan's palm with his fingers, his eyes focusing on the large hand now resting palm up on his knee. "You have really nice fingers."

Murphy's attempt to again change the subject didn't dissuade Jonathan, no matter how nice it felt to have Murphy stroke his skin. "Your brother."

"What about him?" Murphy asked almost casually, still focusing on Jonathan's palm, drawing designs with his pinky. "Does that tickle?"

"Yes," Jonathan said while trying to hide his growing smile. He was thoroughly enjoying Murphy's attention, his touch giving him shivers. "You're quite the little tease, you know."

"Do you want me to stop?" Murphy questioned, his eyes looking at Jonathan as innocently as he could muster, his fingers stopping their movement. Murphy slowly blinked, keeping that innocent look on his face, waiting for a response.

Jonathan learned on their very first date how stubborn Murphy could be, so he knew Murphy could wait all day for Jonathan to respond. With a sigh & a mock annoyed tone to his voice, Jonathan mumbled, "No, I don't want you to fucking stop."

"Potty mouth." Murphy's pinky again began to move, his lips turned upward in the slightest smile, his eyes watching Jonathan's skin for goosebumps. "I might have to teach you some manners."

"Please do, Mr. MacManus. You need to teach me lots of things."

Murphy couldn't help but laugh, being called "Mr. MacManus" sounded ridiculous to him. And teaching Jonathan sounded even more ridiculous. "I wouldn't be much of a teacher."

"No?" Murphy shook his head, his eyes not leaving Jonathan's hand, embarrassed to admit he didn't know enough to teach anybody anything, least of all Jonathan. "I think I like that about you."

Murphy again laughed, his eyes glancing in Jonathan's direction before again dropping to watch his hand stroke Jonathan's fingers. "That's only because you want to play Captain Kirk."

"Excuse me?"

Murphy shrugged, he thought Jonathan would have understood his innuendo but now he'd have to explain. Shit, he sucked at the flirting stuff. "You know, Captain Kirk. Going where no man has gone before. You'd be Captain Kirk. Get it?"

Jonathan got it. He smiled gently, he'd already been fairly certain Murphy was a virgin so his sly way of confessing this fact didn't surprise him at all. He was debating how to answer, he didn't want to scare Murphy off or embarrass him, especially after he'd just shared something so sensitive & private.

Before Jonathan could respond, Murphy's fingers left his hand and Murphy glanced at the kitchen, suddenly wanting to stop this embarrassing conversation. "Is it okay if I get a glass of water?"

Jonathan reached forward & scooped Murphy's hand into his before he could pull away further, wrapping Murphy's hand tight between his own hands. "Anything in this house you can have, anything at all, you don't have to ask. And we can start with the water, okay?"

* * *

Murphy stood in the kitchen, glass of water in his hand, looking at the magnets on Jonathan's refrigerator. He was trying to avoid any conversation dealing with either Connor or his virginity. Either one was dangerous territory. And either one could get him into a lot of trouble.

Jonathan leaned against the counter, watching his guest closely, his eyes traveling over Murphy's slim profile before settling on his animated face. He watched Murphy take a few sips of water, his eyes moving from magnet to magnet, smiling when he saw one that interested him.

"Wow. This is really cool." Murphy reached for a magnet of a wolf, taking it into his hand & smiling as he examined it closer.

"You like wolves?"

Murphy nodded, his eyes not leaving the magnet, his body turning toward Jonathan. "I love them. My brother once gave me a book about wolves & on the cover was a wolf that looked just like this magnet."

"Do you still have the book?"

"Of course. I'd never get rid of anything he gave me, not ever." The sound of Murphy's voice changed when he spoke of his brother, it was subtle but Jonathan caught it. Murphy seemed to catch it too, he suddenly looked away from the magnet & turned back to replace it to its original spot, clearing his throat.

"You sound like the younger brother. I take it he's older than you?"

Murphy took another sip of water, his eyes finally leaving the magnet as he turned back to Jonathan. "You sure ask a lot of questions."

"You sure avoid a lot of questions."

Murphy put the glass on the counter, stuffing his hands in his back pockets & finally giving up. He'd avoided talking about Connor the entire time he was with Jonathan, he really couldn't avoid it any longer, not without making Jonathan more suspicious. He'd just be careful what he said, he'd be careful not to say Connor's name, he wouldn't blow his secret. "We don't know who's older."

"You don't have to lie in order to avoid answering the question."

Murphy couldn't help but smile, the old argument playing in his mind. "I'm not lying, we really don't know. We're twins, Jonathan."

Murphy enjoyed seeing people's reaction when they found out he was a twin, it was always quite amusing. This was the first time he told anyone who was actually interested in him & Jonathan's reaction was almost comical. His face lit up, his eyebrows raised, his smile was huge...he actually looked like he was about to fall over.

"Wait. Twins? You mean to tell me there's another one in this town who looks just like you? How the fuck did I miss you both for so long?"

Murphy laughed, flattered but suddenly also feeling protective of Connor. Connor was his, even if he never wanted Murphy back, Connor was still his & his alone. He took a deep breath, pushing down his feelings for his brother as deeply as he could. "You didn't miss anything. We're fraternal."

"Now that's a damn shame." Jonathan shook his head, a disappointed look in his eye as Murphy scoffed, turning red. "You look so cute when you blush. Even your ears turn red. Has anyone ever told you that before?"

Murphy nodded with a shrug, "My brother tells me that all the time."

"He's right. I might just have to meet this twin brother of yours."

No fucking way. No fucking way in hell would Murphy let that happen, it would ruin everything. Neither one would understand about the other, neither one would be able to handle it, neither one could ever find out, not ever. "Maybe someday."

"All right, Murphy...maybe someday. In the meantime, tell me about this brother of yours."

Murphy really didn't want to say anything but he could tell by the way Jonathan was looking at him that he wouldn't let it go. "He's just the best person I know. I'd do anything for him, anything at all."

Over the next couple minutes Murphy told Jonathan a couple stories about Connor, carefully leaving out his name, carefully excluding anything that could be misconstrued, giving him just enough information to satisfy him. Jonathan listened & asked questions, Murphy careful with his answers, Jonathan laughing at the amusing bits Murphy shared.

Jonathan saw Murphy glance at the clock on the wall, sadly realizing their time together was about to end. Murphy couldn't believe how late it was, time had gone by so quickly, and he had a long walk home.

Jonathan followed Murphy back into the living room, he stood watching as Murphy removed the clothing buried deep in his backpack and he smiled as their fingers touched when he took his clothes from Murphy's hands.

Jonathan disappeared into his room for a moment, returning with Murphy's clothes which he'd washed & ironed. Murphy laughed, seeing the rips in his jeans...in his cleaned & pressed jeans, the blood stains faded but still present. Jonathan smiled as he packed Murphy's clothes into his backpack & zipped it closed, carrying it to the door for Murphy.

When they reached the door, Murphy turned & leaned against the door, his back flush with the wood. "How soon can I see you again?"

"Dinner tomorrow night. I'll cook for you."

Murphy's mouth hung open. He always dreamed of dating someone who wanted to cook for him...to Murphy, it seemed romantic. "Really?"

"Really. Come over right after school. I'll be here waiting for you."

Murphy nodded & Jonathan leaned forward, connecting their mouths in a heated kiss. Jonathan pressed him into the door as their tongues began their dance, their mouths open to the other, their bodies melding into one. Murphy wrapped his arms around his waist, his hands feeling Jonathan's broad back muscles, his ears hearing his own soft moans that he couldn't stop.

Their kiss was far too brief and Murphy always seemed to be left wanting more. He was still pressed against the door as Jonathan began to kiss his neck just below his right ear, one of his ticklish spots, and he quietly laughed.

"I need to go, Jonathan. My brother will freak out if I'm too late." That was certainly the truth, there was no lie in that statement. Even though Murphy said he'd be late, Connor would still worry. Like Connor always said, it was his job to worry about Murphy.

Jonathan kissed his neck one final time before gently kissing his lips. "I'm glad you were here tonight. And I know I was a dick to you but sometimes I get a little crazy jealous."

"It's okay, I forgive you." Murphy accepted an apology that was never actually uttered, not seeming to realize this. "I understand."

"Good...good," Jonathan said with a smile. "Now I'm going to take you home, no arguments."

But argue Murphy did. Murphy argued as Jonathan grabbed his keys & carried his backpack to the car for him, tossing it in the backseat. Murphy argued as Jonathan held the car door open for him & waited patiently for Murphy to relent, which he eventually did. Murphy argued as Jonathan thanked him for letting him drive him home.

And Murphy argued as Connor watched from the shadows...wondering what the fuck was going on.


	26. Awakening

Connor stood dumbfounded in the dark. What the fuck just happened?

Murphy had been in Jonathan's apartment for hours, doing God knows what, while Connor paced across the street. The entire time Murphy was inside, Connor felt like he was going nuts. This wasn't his usual _"worry about Murphy"_ feeling, this was different, this was new. He felt something deep in his heart he couldn't explain. Connor felt..._jealous_, but that made no sense, none at all.

When the door finally opened, Connor watched his brother follow Jonathan to his car, he listened to Murphy argue about not needing a ride home. Jonathan seemed unaffected by Murphy's words, he almost seemed amused, he acted like he knew what was best for Murph. That pissed Connor off...only he knew what was best for Murph, not that fucker.

Usually Murphy's stubbornness wore people down but this time, Murphy didn't put up much of a fight, hardly any at all. Connor had seen his headstrong brother dig his heels in on many occasions but this was nothing, it was like he _wanted_ Jonathan to drive him home. Murphy even let Jonathan hold the door for him while he got in the car.

Connor was frozen in place, staring at the receding car, watching Jonathan drive off with his brother. Connor watched that fucker take his twin away.

All the way home, Connor thought about the situation, he stewed over it. Murphy lied about his "date," it wasn't with Charlotte, it was Jonathan he met on the sly. Murphy snuck around behind Connor's back. He'd never done that before, not ever, and Connor couldn't help but feel hurt & confused.

There was something about Jonathan that rubbed Connor wrong...he had the oddest feeling about the man. Maybe it was the way Jonathan looked at Murph, like he owned him, or maybe it was just Connor's jealousy taking hold. Whatever the reason, Connor just didn't like Murphy spending time with Jonathan.

Connor walked as fast as he could toward home, breaking into a run as often as his lungs would allow. He was almost home when Jonathan's car passed him going the other way, devoid of his brother. Connor glared at the vehicle as it whizzed by, he thought he missed that prick's car, it shouldn't have taken that long just to drop off Murph...what the hell were they doing?

Murphy needed to wank. After the kiss Jonathan gave him in the car, after the way Jonathan whispered in his ear how much he wanted him, after he sucked on his neck...Murphy was hot & bothered, and rock hard.

He still couldn't believe he let Jonathan kiss him in the car. It went against his better judgment but after the evening they'd had, he just couldn't say no. So when Jonathan pulled the car to the side of the road & told him how happy he was that Murphy chose him, when he asked for _"just a little kiss goodnight,"_ Murphy happily nodded. He wanted Jonathan's mouth on his, he wanted that kiss more than anything, he wanted Jonathan to touch him. It was worth the risk.

Murphy could still picture Jonathan's smile when Murphy nodded, he could picture his eyes filled with desire as he took Murphy by the chin & kissed him, he could still see the look of disappointment on Jonathan's face when they parted for the night.

And as Murphy stood naked in his bathroom, his thick dick in his hand, he could still taste Jonathan on his lips.

Connor entered their quiet bedroom, almost tripping over Murphy's clothes which were scattered across the floor. It looked like Murphy stripped off his clothes in his haste to get to the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothing that led to the closed door. Connor quickly walked to the bathroom door, pausing to listen, afraid Murphy was sick.

When he heard Murph moan & whisper _"oh fuck,"_ Connor lifted his hand to the doorknob, ready to burst inside to take care of his sick twin. But the sound of Murphy panting stopped Connor before he could turn the doorknob. That sound wasn't the sound of his twin being sick, it wasn't the sound of his brother with the flu...it was the sound of Murphy wanking.

Connor released the doorknob, pressing his ear against the door, listening carefully. He was only listening to make sure Murph really wasn't sick, that's all, he wasn't listening for any other reason. Connor heard the quick little moans, grunts really, coming from behind the door followed by another curse from Murphy's lips.

Connor smiled, his brother had such a trash mouth, even when jerking off. Murphy's moans actually sounded kind of sexy and Connor wondered who Murphy was thinking about as he played with himself.

Murphy was close to cumming, his hand working faster as he stroked himself, his eyes clenched shut. His thoughts were of Jonathan when he first touched himself...how Jonathan kissed, how he smelled, how he tasted..._how he'd fuck._ But somewhere between that first touch & the current pull on his dick, Jonathan changed to Connor. It was always Connor who Murphy thought of when he came, it was always Connor's name on his lips, in every way it was always Connor. This time was no exception.

Connor felt his hand drift to his cock, he couldn't help himself, Murphy's sounds were turning him on. He squeezed himself through his jeans, pressing his palm into his stiffening dick as he rested his forehead against the door & continued to listen to his twin. Connor closed his eyes, his hand grinding, his breathing growing as heavy as what he was listening to. He told himself to stop, he told himself Murphy deserved privacy, he told himself to walk away. But he didn't, he couldn't.

Connor stayed. Connor listened. Connor touched himself.

Murphy's orgasm brought him to his knees, his unfettered moan echoing in the room, his cum covering his hand in sticky gobs. He wasn't quiet in the least and he thanked God Connor wasn't home, he'd never live it down if Connor heard him cum so loudly. He stayed on his knees as he struggled to catch his breath, his body glistening with sweat, his dick slowly softening in his grip.

Connor froze in place, squeezing himself firmly as he heard Murphy cum. He wished he could see Murph's face just before his orgasm took hold & then watch him ride out the sensation, watch his features contort in pleasure. Connor remembered how his twin looked that time Murphy humped him in bed, when Murph had been out of control & couldn't stop...when he'd watch Murphy cum.

Murphy had looked beautiful.

There was no more noise from the bathroom, not a peep, it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Connor didn't dare move. If he moved, the floor might creak & his twin would know he was just outside the door, listening. He couldn't get caught, he'd never be able to explain standing there with a hard-on. Murph would never understand..._He _didn't understand. So Connor stood motionless, he held himself & he waited.

When Murphy turned the faucet on to clean himself, Connor quickly left the room & went outside, not stopping until he reached the back of the barn where he'd be hidden in the shadows. He unzipped & pulled his still hard prick out, fisting himself.

Listening to Murph jerk off had Connor close to cumming and he didn't need much more to shoot his load. He crumbled to his knees when he felt his balls tightening & he bit his lip to remain quiet, not wanting his voice to draw any attention. A half dozen fist pumps later had Connor shooting his cum into the dirt, carefully avoiding his jeans but unable to avoid his hand. He struggled to catch his breath, his heavy breathing louder than he wanted...this orgasm was the most intense one he'd ever had.

Connor shook his head, he'd invaded his brother's most private moment. He'd gotten hard...he'd jerked off...because of Murph. Try as he might, he couldn't understand what possessed him to not only listen to Murphy play with himself, but to touch his own cock while he listened. And then to cum so hard because of it.

Connor pushed the thought from his mind, he couldn't think about all that right now, he'd figure it out later. He leaned to the side & wiped his hand in a patch of grass before tucking himself back into his jeans. He stood & adjusted his balls, his eyes on their bedroom window before slowly walking back to the house.

Connor made as much noise as he could going up the stairs to their bedroom, he wanted Murphy to think he was just getting home. Murphy was sitting on his bed in clean boxers & he smiled when Connor entered the room. Connor smiled back, grateful he didn't blush like his brother. He noticed Murphy had picked up the clothes from the floor...Connor must have been outside longer than he thought.

"So how is Charlotte?"

He locked eyes with Murphy, wondering if he would tell the truth.

"She's good."

"You went there right after school?" Murphy nodded, sticking to his lie. "What did they have for supper?"

"Baked chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. It was good." No hesitation, no staring at Connor's feet, Murphy had practiced his lie.

"She a good kisser?"

"Yeah, real good. In fact, I'm going over again tomorrow after school. I'll probably be out late, so you don't have to wait up for me." Again, no hesitation. Again, a practiced response...Murph was getting good at lying.

"You don't say? Two nights in a row?"

Murphy nodded, starting to look slightly nervous...two nights in a row didn't seem like too much when you liked someone. And he liked Jonathan.

"You should invite her here instead, Murph. I'd like to meet her, seeing as you seem to like her so much."

Murphy's eyes widened, Connor couldn't talk to Charlotte, that would ruin everything...she was his lie, not his girl. "She's really shy, Connor. Please don't say anything to her, you'll ruin my chances if you do."

"Shy, huh?" Connor let his brother sweat for a moment, he let him stare with wide eyes waiting for an answer, an answer Connor said very slowly. "Well I wouldn't want to ruin your chances with her."

Murphy relaxed visibly when Connor relented. His lie was safe. For now.

"Is there anything you want to tell me, Murph? Anything at all?"

Murphy didn't know why Connor was asking him that question. His lie about Charlotte was completely believable, there were no holes in it, no way for Connor to know it was anything but the truth.

"No...there's nothing to tell. I just like her a lot, s'all, no big deal."

"No big deal. Okay, Murph." But to Connor it was a big deal, a very big deal. It was a lie Murphy kept telling, over and over. It was a lie that involved Jonathan in some way. It was a lie that Connor didn't like one bit.

Connor knew Murphy was going to Jonathan's again tomorrow. What he didn't know was why.


	27. Time with Jonathan

The school day lasted forever. Every time Murphy looked at the clock, he swore it actually moved backward. He never heard the lectures, he couldn't concentrate on any assignments, he had a one track mind. All Murphy thought about was Jonathan.

When school finally ended, Murphy tried not to run to Jonathan's place. He didn't want to appear too eager but he wanted to see Jonathan so badly he couldn't help himself. He read somewhere that being eager was a turnoff & he hoped that wasn't the case...one thing he didn't want to do was turnoff Jonathan.

His quiet knock was answered almost immediately, the door slowly swinging open to reveal a shirtless Jonathan. Murphy gawked at the sight of the half-naked man...Jonathan had a fantastic body. Murphy's eyes dropped to the man's torso, seeing the muscles he had only previously felt through clothing, his blush instantaneous.

Jonathan held his position. He posed, he flexed, he let the boy stare. After a moment, Murphy grinned in appreciation...he liked what he saw.

Murphy forced his eyes back to Jonathan's face, watching the slow smirk start on Jonathan's lips, seeing the satisfaction grow in his eyes after he saw Murphy's reaction. Jonathan knew exactly what he was doing.

They held eyes for a moment, Jonathan smirking & Murphy blushing. Murphy expected Jonathan to say something but he just stood there...beautiful & shirtless. Finally, Murphy shyly looked away & he nervously whispered, "Hi."

Without a word in response, Jonathan pushed the door open wider, the smirk not leaving his face. Murphy glanced at him, wondering why Jonathan wasn't saying anything, not even hello. He stepped inside & paused as Jonathan closed the door & then moved to block his path. Murphy waited for Jonathan to speak but he was silent.

"Jonathan?"

Jonathan took the backpack from his shoulder and tossed it to the floor, his eyes scanning Murphy's face.

"You're making me nervous," Murphy confessed, although Jonathan already knew he was nervous, it was fairly obvious. "Say something."

Jonathan said nothing. Instead, he closed the gap between them & lowered his face to Murphy's neck, his lips lightly sucking his skin. He wrapped his arms underneath Murphy's & pulled his body close. Murphy held on to Jonathan's bare shoulders, feeling his muscles under his fingers as Jonathan lifted him gently in the air.

It felt odd to be lifted like that, even by someone as strong as Jonathan, but the loss of control didn't bother Murphy. He gave up control to Connor all the time. He was often pinned to the floor & held down by Connor so this was nothing. In fact, it was actually kind of enjoyable.

Jonathan slowly walked toward the kitchen with Murphy still in his arms, his lips not losing contact with the heated skin.

"Jonathan?" Murphy whispered, his voice a slight laugh, his breath hot in the man's ear. "Jonathan?"

Jonathan didn't seem to hear him...or he ignored him. Either way, Jonathan didn't respond, he kept walking. When they reached the kitchen, Jonathan stopped & finally pulled his face from Murphy's neck, looking as overheated as Murphy felt.

"Are you gonna put me down?"

The smirk was back. Jonathan slowly shook his head 'no,' his amused eyes watching Murphy for his reaction.

"Jonathan..." Murphy whined, glancing around, suddenly feeling the strangeness of their position. He marveled at how strong Jonathan was, he wasn't even breaking a sweat, he looked like he could hold Murphy in the air for hours.

Then Jonathan was moving again, causing Murphy to look over his shoulder, trying to see where Jonathan was taking him. Jonathan stopped when he reached the counter, lifting Murphy to sit him on top, his arms finally releasing him. Jonathan's hands moved to Murphy's knees & pulled them apart, moving to stand between his legs, his hands resting on Murphy's spread thighs.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Murphy quietly asked. For some reason, he was bothered by Jonathan's silence more than by being manhandled.

Jonathan nodded, "Hi."

Murphy laughed, slightly embarrassed. "That's my line."

Jonathan shrugged and Murphy couldn't help but ask, "Don't you want to kiss me?"

Jonathan's hand rubbed Murphy's thigh firmly as he slowly nodded, his eyes overflowing with growing excitement for the boy.

"Then kiss me." It wasn't a command, it was more of a soft plea. A plea Jonathan couldn't resist.

Their mouths met, their lips parted, their tongues touched. The kiss was a gentle hello, a softness Murphy couldn't get enough of and a wetness Jonathan found enticing. Murphy tasted sweet while Jonathan tasted spicy, each offsetting the other.

Murphy leaned forward, trying to deepen the kiss, wanting more of Jonathan's mouth. But Jonathan leaned away from Murphy, not letting him take control, keeping their kiss somewhat chaste. When Jonathan suddenly separated their lips, Murphy tried to pull him back but Jonathan smirked & shook his head 'no.'

"Don't, Jonathan." Murphy softly whined & gave Jonathan the look that always worked on Connor. Whenever Murphy used that combination on his twin, he always got what he wanted, every single time. But for some reason, the soft voice & pleading look didn't seem to work on Jonathan. Murphy was confused...it should have worked.

Jonathan took Murphy by the chin & leaned forward, Murphy thinking he was getting his way. But then Jonathan dipped his head and attached his lips to Murphy's neck, releasing his chin. It wasn't what Murphy wanted, it was what Jonathan wanted, but Jonathan's mouth felt incredible on his neck & Murphy softly sighed.

Jonathan squeezed Murphy's thigh before sliding his hand to the hem of his shirt. Before Murphy realized it, Jonathan had his shirt off his body & dropped to the floor, his lips quickly returning to Murphy's throat. Jonathan placed his hands on Murphy's waist, roughly pulling him close to the edge of the counter, his fingers pressing into Murphy's bare skin just above his belt. Murphy's hands went to Jonathan's shoulders, hanging on tight, enjoying the feel of his hard muscles.

"Where's that ticklish spot?" Jonathan mumbled against Murphy's skin, his tongue gliding toward his ear, kisses following the wet path. Murphy quietly laughed when Jonathan licked the area on his neck just below his ear, causing chills to run up his spine. Jonathan licked his neck between kisses, adding a gentle bite on that exact same spot, trying for more shivers. He bit harder until Murphy's body shivered beneath him, slowly returning to soft kisses up & down his neck.

When Jonathan lifted his head & pecked Murphy's lips, Murphy knew he was stopping. Jonathan loosened the grip on his waist & Murphy couldn't help the look of disappointment on his face, in his eyes, in the weak smile he gave Jonathan.

Jonathan stared at him, his lips turning upward in realization and finally he spoke more than one word. "You don't want me to stop, do you?"

Murphy was now the silent one. He shook his head, he wanted more.

"You liked it?"

Murphy wasn't ashamed to admit he liked it...he liked it a lot. He answered Jonathan's question with an eager nod, hoping the man would resume.

Jonathan responded with his familiar chuckle & a squeeze of Murphy's thigh. "I liked it too. But we have all night & I need to stop...or I won't be responsible for my actions."

Murphy took a deep breath & nodded, disappointed they were stopping but excited for what might happen as the night progressed. His eyes left Jonathan's face & he looked at the floor for his shirt, intending to dress. Jonathan followed his eyes, picked up the shirt, and folded it methodically.

"You'll get this back when I'm done with you and not a second before," Jonathan directed, entertained by the look of surprise on Murphy's face. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Murphy wasn't sure if Jonathan was serious or if he was playing...he chose to believe he was playing. When Murphy responded with a quiet "no," Jonathan disappeared briefly before returning empty handed.

Apparently Jonathan was serious.

* * *

"Am I making you forget Connor yet?"

Murphy was still sitting on the kitchen counter, watching Jonathan cut vegetables for a salad. Jonathan refused to let Murphy help in any way, relegating him to observation only. Murphy didn't mind too terribly much, seeing as it gave him the opportunity to watch Jonathan & get a longer look at his incredible body.

Murphy was relieved Jonathan was so focused on the cutting board otherwise he would have seen Murphy's face change before he could cover it up...his face always changed whenever he heard Connor's name, it was a purely instinctual reaction.

Jonathan would see through any lie Murphy would attempt but at the same time, Murphy couldn't be honest, not to Jonathan, not about Connor. Not yet. He had to find a happy medium. His words were carefully chosen, intending not to hurt.

"No...but being with you helps me get over him, if that's what you mean."

"That's not what I mean but I guess it's a start." Jonathan moved on to cut carrots, his knife moving slowly, the clicking sound of the knife on the cutting board filling the kitchen. "Tell me about Connor. I'd like to know about the guy who owns your heart."

"He doesn't own my heart, Jonathan," Murphy denied quietly. He couldn't say those words with any conviction because he knew they weren't true. Connor owned every piece of him, not just his heart. And he always would.

"Right now he does. And we both know it. But I intend to take his place, Murphy." Jonathan paused & looked at Murphy for emphasis before his eyes again returned to the cutting board. "Now tell me about my competition. Tell me about _Connor." _

Murphy didn't like the way Jonathan said his brother's name, it made him feel defensive. But given the circumstance, given the fact that he'd admitted to Jonathan he was in love with Connor, it was actually understandable.

"It's not a competition. I already told you he doesn't feel the same way about me, so it's not like you have anything to worry about. Besides, Connor likes girls. He'd never be interested in me, not in a million years."

Jonathan practically grunted in response. Murphy didn't know how to interpret that grunt, Jonathan was either unsatisfied with Murphy's response or he didn't believe him. Either way, tension had developed between them, tension Murphy didn't know how to stop.

"Famous last words, Murphy."

"What's that mean?"

"Forget it...just fucking forget it."

The sound of Jonathan's voice reminded Murphy of the other night, when Jonathan had been so cold & angry. He watched Jonathan's face, seeing a slew of emotions behind his eyes, most notably the returning anger. "I don't understand why you're so mad."

"How can you not understand?" Jonathan put down the knife & scooped the sliced vegetables into his hands, tossing them into the large bowl. His voice sounded more irritated than the minute prior. "I told you I get a little crazy jealous sometimes, Murphy. You're in love with someone else and you keep avoiding my questions about him. So forgive me if I'm a little annoyed with you right now."

Jonathan started to clean up the mess he had made, ignoring Murphy as he placed dishes in the sink. Suddenly Jonathan turned & looked directly at Murphy, his eyes blazing, his words firm. "You're with _me_ now, not him. You chose to be here...with _me_, Murphy."

"I know. And I want to be with you," Murphy nodded, making sure he kept his voice steady & his eyes unwavering. "But it bothers me when you keep asking about Connor. I'm just not ready to tell you about him yet."

Jonathan suspected there was much more to the story than the little bits Murphy told him. He just didn't have all the pieces yet. "You said he wasn't your ex. Is he your current then? Is that it?"

Murphy didn't hesitate, his answer honest. "You're my current."

Jonathan took a deep breath, his voice less annoyed but still holding an edge. "All right, I'll try to be patient with you and not let this ruin our evening...I'll be patient."

Murphy breathed a sigh of relief...he wouldn't have to explain any further about Connor tonight.

"But Murphy...remember, you gave your heart to me. And just so you know, I won't give it back."

* * *

"Try this."

They were sitting on the couch talking quietly after dinner when Jonathan dipped his finger into the crystal serving bowl he had placed on the table, coating his finger in melted chocolate. He held his finger out toward Murphy, his eyes gauging his reaction, Jonathan waiting with the patience he had promised to have.

Murphy knew what Jonathan wanted, he may not have a lot of experience but he certainly wasn't stupid. Jonathan watched Murphy hesitate, he watched him stare at his finger, he watched the boy consider his options. Then he watched Murphy reach for his hand & take his finger into his mouth.

Murphy wrapped his lips around Jonathan's finger, sucking firmly, his eyes holding a mischievous glint as he pulled the entire finger into his mouth. He slowly sucked it clean, smiling at Jonathan all the while, eventually allowing it to slide from his mouth, his tongue leisurely dragging against Jonathan's finger as it left his lips. His tongue ran across his lips, taking care of any stray chocolate that may have lingered behind...Jonathan watching the entire incident with hot breath & rapt attention.

"I like something sweet after dinner," Murphy said with an innocence Jonathan didn't fully believe, considering how Murphy had just sucked on his finger like it was a dick.

"I do too. Did I ever tell you how sweet you are?"

Murphy shook his head & rolled his eyes, calling Jonathan out on his bullshit. "You're not smooth at all. I expected a bit more from you, Jonathan."

"Call me Captain Kirk."

Murphy laughed & shook his head again. "I'm not calling you Captain Kirk."

"You will," Jonathan promised with raised eyebrows. "Soon."

"You wish."

After a moment, they both broke into laughter...laughter which stopped when Jonathan handed the bowl to Murphy. "It's playtime & it's your turn with the chocolate."

Murphy swirled the melted chocolate in the bowl, watching it coat the sides, not sure what this game entailed. He was stalling, trying to decide what to do, wanting to do something Jonathan would find sexy but not wanting to go too far. He dipped his finger into the chocolate & narrowed his eyes at Jonathan. "You're about to get really sticky."

"I already am."

Murphy smirked & made a face.

"Still not smooth enough?" Jonathan asked, leaning forward, waiting.

"Nope. That's dirty, not smooth. There's a difference. _Captain." _

Murphy reached for Jonathan's face, smearing a chocolate streak down his cheek & over his lips. Jonathan sat still as Murphy slid closer & brought his mouth to Jonathan's cheek, his tongue slowly licking him clean. Murphy then ran his tongue across Jonathan's lips, removing the chocolate as Jonathan smiled. Murphy ended with a soft kiss to his lips before sitting back with his own smile of satisfaction.

"My turn." Jonathan dipped his fingers after placing the bowl on the table, going straight for Murphy's neck, smearing his skin with chocolate. Before Murphy could respond, Jonathan's lips were attached to his neck, his tongue licking in long strokes, his teeth following with tiny bites.

"What is it with you and my neck?" Murphy said between laughs, Jonathan's mouth moving down to his shoulder & collarbone, his tongue in constant movement, his teeth nipping. "There's no chocolate there, ya know."

Jonathan pulled away, redipped his fingers & smeared chocolate across Murphy's shoulder & collarbone. "There is now."

"Fucking cheater."

Long, wet strokes of Jonathan's tongue cleaned Murphy's shoulder, Jonathan mumbling one word in response before he moved to Murphy's collarbone..."ingenuity."

Murphy let Jonathan suck on his collarbone, shocking himself that he liked the feeling as much as he did. Jonathan kept his mouth attached to Murphy's skin long after Murphy knew the chocolate was gone & he whispered in Jonathan's ear. "I want another turn."

Jonathan sat back with a massive smile, his arms spread open. "God, please. Take a turn."

"Oh, I'm taking a turn," Murphy promised, licking his lips as he covered his fingers in chocolate. "Don't look." He leaned forward, drawing on Jonathan's chest & stomach, redipping his fingers as needed. Jonathan watched Murphy's face carefully, smiling when he looked up & met his eyes. When Murphy was done, he sat back & motioned for Jonathan to look down.

Over his heart, Murphy had written _"M&J"_ and across his stomach Murphy had scrawled_ "cheater."_ Murphy broke into a fit of laughter as Jonathan first smiled warmly & then lifted his eyebrows in surprise when he saw his stomach.

Jonathan pointed at his stomach & Murphy didn't hesitate, he quickly got to work. Jonathan watched Murphy as he bent his head dangerously close to his groin, he watched his tongue dart out & lick, he watched Murphy kiss the taut skin of his stomach over & over. Jonathan closed his eyes & placed his hand on Murphy's head, envisioning his mouth just slightly south.

Murphy didn't stop licking, no matter how tired his tongue became. When he felt Jonathan's hand on the back of his head, he smiled & glanced at his face, surprised to see his eyes were closed. "You taste good," Murphy mumbled as he flattened his tongue & gave a strong lick to Jonathan's abdominal muscle, smiling as it twitched in response. "Better than chocolate."

With one final soft kiss to Jonathan's skin just above his belt buckle, Murphy pulled his face from Jonathan's body, the man's hand sliding from his hair with great reluctance. Murphy sat back & waited for Jonathan to open his eyes, smiling at the man when he finally did.

"I want you so fucking bad, Murphy, you have no idea."

Murphy's eyes darted to Jonathan's massive bulge, much larger since Murphy started to lick his stomach. "I sort of have an idea, Jonathan."

Murphy couldn't help but smile...he'd made Jonathan hard. Usually Murphy was the one with the raging hard on but this time...he'd made Jonathan hard. Without even touching it.

Jonathan scooted closer to Murphy, pushing him onto his back & pressing him into the cushions. Jonathan began to kiss Murphy, his mouth not as tender as it usually was, his tongue not as shallow. Murphy liked kissing, and kissing Jonathan was amazing, this time even more exciting knowing Jonathan was already hard because of him.

That hardness pressed into Murphy's thigh until Jonathan shifted on top of him, moving Murphy's legs apart, placing his body between his spread thighs.

The kisses didn't stop, they didn't slow, they intensified.

The tongues were sucked on, they teased, they tasted.

Their bodies sweat, their arms clutched each other, their voices moaned.

Then Jonathan pressed his erection into Murphy. He grinded his hardness against Murphy's growing prick. He rutted on top of the boy forcefully, shocking Murphy.

Murphy pulled his mouth away with a gasp, turning his head, suddenly unsure of himself. He knew what would happen if he let this continue & he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. He wanted to make Jonathan happy, he wanted to make Jonathan feel good, he wanted to fuck him. But he was suddenly so scared.

"It's okay, just relax," Jonathan whispered in his ear, pulling on his earlobe with his teeth. "I'll be gentle, I promise."

Murphy's mind was racing. What should he do? He wanted to lose his virginity to Connor...that was always his plan, up to this exact moment, that was his plan. Connor was supposed to be his first.

Jonathan was grinding his cock into Murphy again, hard enough to quickly stiffen Murphy's dick completely. Murphy moaned, the friction felt so fucking good...he couldn't think. He was obsessed with the feeling between his legs when he felt Jonathan's hand at his belt, then over his zipper, then in his boxers.

"Jonathan, wait," Murphy moaned, needing to stop before this went any further, it was already too fast. It was too much. He couldn't think with Jonathan touching him like that.

"I promise it'll feel good," Jonathan whispered as his hand felt Murphy's hardness, pulled on his dick, he squeezed & rubbed.

"Oh shit...oh shit, it feels amazing but we need to stop." Murphy shifted beneath him & gently pulled at Jonathan's wrist, the hand releasing him.

Jonathan sat up with a loud grunt, Murphy following with his own grunt, the tip of his dick protruding through the zipper of his open jeans, tenting his boxers. Murphy glanced down, noticing the wet spot on his boxers from his precum, trying to shift away so Jonathan wouldn't notice.

"I'm sorry, Jonathan. I didn't mean to be such a...a..."

"Cock tease?"

Murphy nodded, his voice exceeding soft. "Yeah, I didn't mean to be a cock tease."

Jonathan rubbed his hand over his face, his breathing becoming more controlled. "I told you I'd be patient, Murphy. It's fine, I can wait."

"You're not mad?"

Jonathan looked at him, his face red with excitement, his eyes blazing with the fire of lust. "I'm trying not to be."

"Okay...I understand."

Jonathan leaned over & gently shoulder bumped him as Murphy turned away from his staring eyes. "Come on, it's okay. I'll survive. Not happily, but I will survive."

Jonathan stood & situated his clothing, leaving the room for a moment & returning with Murphy's shirt.

"Does this mean you're done with me?" Murphy asked as he took his shirt from Jonathan's hand.

"Yes, Murphy. I'm done with you. Get dressed."

Murphy pulled his shirt over his head, Jonathan watching as he stood & zipped his pants. Murphy was staring at the floor, his emotions almost killing him. "Jonathan...are you done with me forever?"

Jonathan walked up to Murphy & wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, hugging him tightly. He pressed his lips against Murphy's ear. "No, not forever. Just for tonight. I'm your current, remember?"

Murphy relaxed in Jonathan's arms, hugging him tightly, burying his face in the man's shoulder.

Murphy nodded, Jonathan was his current but he still felt like shit. He had fun exciting Jonathan, making him hard, he knew what he was doing...he just didn't expect it to get that far that fast. Tonight, he was a cock tease.

But besides all that, what made Murphy really feel like shit is the fact that if Murphy had been on the couch with Connor, if it had been Connor rutting against him, Murphy wouldn't have stopped. He'd have gone all the way & never looked back. He'd have made love with Connor all night long.


	28. Panic

**A/N:** Hello! I'm having such a blast with this story. I cannot thank you all enough for the faves/follows/reviews. I am blown away. For those of you waiting patiently for Conphy, it is close, so very close. I have not forsaken Conphy. Thank you for staying with me. I try to respond with a PM to those that reviewed & if I missed you, I am sincerely sorry. But know that I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. You are all AMAZING. Please R&R, it means so much.

Addicted: I cannot PM you so I will send a shout-out here. Your reviews rock. I love how addicted you are. When I get a review from you asking for a new chapter & saying you're checking daily for updates, well...you are one of the reviewers that makes me want to write more. I hope you review again & stay addicted.

* * *

"What the fuck are you staring at Connor?"

Murphy woke to find his brother standing over him, his brow furrowed with concern, his eyes scanning his face. It wasn't unusual to wake and find Connor hovering over him, Murphy knew Connor sometimes watched him sleep, especially lately. But Connor didn't greet him with his usual smile or his usual joke. Or even his usual smack to the gut. Connor greeted him with an intense look of worry.

"Are you okay, Murph?"

Murphy smiled, his brother was always so worried about him, sometimes needlessly, like now. It was one of Murphy's favorite things about Connor, the way he kept a watchful eye, the way he doted, the way he loved him like no other.

"I was fine until you woke me up. Asshole."

Connor sat on Murphy's bed, his concern still apparent, his demeanor sedate. Murphy calling Connor an asshole should have resulted in a smart ass comment from his twin, a _"fuck you, Murph_" or even Connor giving him the finger. But Connor had no reaction, he ignored the asshole comment, he sat quietly considering his words while Murphy patiently waited.

"No, seriously Murph. Tell me the truth. What's going on?" Connor's voice was softer than usual & Murphy felt the familiar tug on his heart whenever Connor sounded like that. All the old feelings came roaring back, the love for his twin crashed into his heart, thoughts of Connor consumed him once more. When Connor spoke, nothing else mattered, nothing else existed, the entire world dissolved away & only Connor remained.

"Murph?"

Murphy smiled at his brother again, trying to assuage his fears. As much as Murphy loved how Connor fussed over him, he didn't like it when Connor was this worried, this upset.

"Conn...I'm fine," Murphy said in his softest voice, his hand moving to cover Connor's in reassurance, his fingers stroking his brother's skin. Murphy knew he shouldn't take advantage like this, he shouldn't use Connor's concern to maul his twin, but it was only his hand...what was the harm in that? He was only trying to comfort his brother, that's all.

Normally when Murphy used that voice, gave him that look, touched him that way, Connor backed off. But this time, Connor didn't relent. This time Connor called him out. This time Connor demanded answers.

"Don't work me, Murph. I know something's going on and all I want is for you to tell me the truth."

Murphy stalled the movement of his fingers but kept his hand on Connor's, not wanting to lose the contact he needed so desperately, the connection his heart still screamed for, the skin on skin feeling that made him feel alive whenever he touched Connor.

"What are you going on about? I'm telling you the truth...I'm okay. Don't I look it?"

Connor shook his head & Murphy wasn't sure what he saw in Connor's gaze. It was more than just brotherly concern, it was more than just the usual look he gave Murphy...Connor's gaze held a weight that wasn't there a couple weeks ago, it held an intensity that Murphy felt pierce his soul. Connor was looking at him like Jonathan looked at him, but that was impossible.

"How'd you get those bruises, Murph?"

Connor motioned to Murphy's bare torso, to his waist, to the dark marks that were prominent against his fair skin. Murphy bruised easily but he never would have guessed those marks were on his body, the marks he hadn't noticed until just now, the marks from Jonathan's fingers.

"I don't know. Probably from playing football."

"You don't get marks like that from playing football. When you were sleeping I saw them on your side & back too, like someone grabbed you really hard. See?"

Connor placed his hand on Murphy's hip, his thumb resting on the bruise on Murphy's belly and his fingers resting on the bruises on his side & back. His other hand went to Murphy's other hip and he placed his fingers in the same configuration...Connor's hands were in the exact same position Jonathan's had been when he'd manhandled Murphy.

"The bruises are from fingers. Who grabbed you?"

"No one." Murphy squirmed under Connor's fingers, he was trying to come up with an excuse, any excuse, that would explain those marks away…any excuse that Connor would accept. But his mind was blank.

"Conn, it's nothing," Murphy whispered, hoping Connor would drop it but knowing he wouldn't.

Connor released him & sat back, his eyes narrowed. "Nothing. Like the nothing on your arm? From where your friend grabbed you?"

Murphy looked at his arm, the dark bruise still not faded from where Jonathan grabbed him earlier in the week. "That? That's from football too, Conn. The same guy grabbed me both times."

"Jonathan. Right?"

Murphy wasn't sure why Connor chose Jonathan's name above all others, why he picked Jonathan as the one who bruised him. Connor was fishing for information, that's it, Connor always had to know everything Murphy did...he was overly concerned. And overly nosy.

Connor was connecting the dots, he was getting too close to the truth. Murphy had to think quickly, he had to distract his brother. "You know I bruise easy. I always have. You remember that time you pinned me face down & I got bruises all along my cheek & jaw? Ma wanted to kill you. Remember?"

"I remember every bruise you've ever had, Murph. And as I recall, Ma wanted to kill both of us. Me for bruising you & you for trying to break everything in the house. Remember?"

Murphy nodded, remembering that particular temper tantrum, it had been a bad one. The memory served its purpose, it distracted Connor, and Murphy waited for him to move away. He waited for him to forget the bruises, he waited for Connor to forget about Jonathan.

"So back to Jonathan. I know he's the one who bruised you."

Connor sounded so sure, he was unwavering in his conviction, he knew somehow. Denying it would serve no purpose.

"He didn't do it on purpose, Connor. Honest. I'm fine." Murphy kept his voice steady as he defended Jonathan, trying to keep Connor from freaking out. "It's nothing. I'm okay."

Connor shifted on the bed, his hands in fists, his knuckles white...Jonathan bruised Murph. Jonathan didn't patch Murphy up, he didn't take care of his wounds...Jonathan _caused_ Murphy's wounds. This was now reason number one why Connor hated Jonathan.

Connor gave Murphy the most serious look he had, he leaned forward & pointed his finger at him. "Murphy, you tell me the truth. Did Jonathan make you do anything you didn't want to do? Did he force you into anything?"

"Like what?"

"Just answer my question. And you better not fucking lie to me," Connor warned, his voice as intense as his eyes.

"No, Conn," Murphy said with a shake of his head, his eyes wide, wondering why Connor was asking him such a thing. "I wasn't forced to do anything."

Murphy watched his brother look upward & cross himself as Connor mumbled, "Thank God." Murphy watched his twin swipe at his eyes, as if he had tears forming. He watched Connor's lips move in silent prayer.

When Connor's eyes returned to his, his face had relaxed, his fear had abated. But in its place was another type of fear, a fear Murphy couldn't pinpoint, but a fear nonetheless. Connor blinked quickly, trying not to cry, trying to be strong. Connor was the strongest person Murphy knew & it killed him to see him this emotional.

"You're so fucking innocent, Murph. You're too trusting, and too sweet and too...too...you're just too _good_. I was afraid Jonathan had...done..._things_ to you, without your permission. Bad things."

"Why would you think that? Because of some bruises?" Murphy asked quietly.

Connor shook his head, looking toward the window, to the outside. "That's not the only reason."

"What else? Connor? Tell me."

There was silence between the brothers not for just a few moments, but for a few minutes. Murphy waiting, Connor thinking. Murphy watching, Connor looking away. Both boys nervous but for different reasons.

When Connor finally turned back to his brother, he had his mind made up to broach the subject that was plaguing him, to call Murphy out on his lies. Murphy wouldn't offer any information, that much was obvious. Connor had to confront him, it was the only way to get Murphy to talk.

"Who was sucking on your neck, Murph?"

Murphy's eyes widened, not just from the blunt way Connor asked but from the question itself. How could Connor know what he did with Jonathan last night? They were behind closed doors, there's no way Connor could have seen, no one else knew except him & Jonathan.

"What the fuck? You're nuts, Connor. No one was sucking on my neck." Murphy laughed, an insincere laugh that conveyed his discomfort, his need to avoid, his sudden icy cold fear.

"Murphy...you have hickeys all over your neck."

"What!?" Murphy sprang from his bed & ran to the bathroom, stumbling over his feet in his haste, Connor slowly following his frantic brother. Murphy stood before the mirror, his head tilted, his eyes glued to the multiple hickeys up & down his neck, across his collarbone, even on his shoulder...there were dozens of the marks.

Holy fuck, Jonathan did this, Jonathan marked him. It was a mistake, he wouldn't have done it on purpose. He got carried away, he had a thing for Murphy's neck, he lost control. But there were so many marks, dozens...it had to be on purpose. But why?

Connor moved closer, his reflection catching Murphy's attention & they locked eyes in the mirror. "It was Charlotte. She-she must have, she was the one who...it was Charlotte."

"I know who you were with the last couple days. And it wasn't Charlotte." Connor's voice was gentle and soothing, he hoped Murphy would tell him the truth, the truth Connor figured out the moment he saw the hickeys on his brother.

"N-no, I was with Charlotte. She-she did this."

Connor took a deep breath & kept his voice in a hushed tone. "I know about Jonathan, Murph."

Murphy's mind was overloaded, he was overcome with emotion, he was devastated. Connor knew about Jonathan, he knew Murphy liked boys, he fucking knew. Murphy didn't want him to know, not ever. He would have kept it secret his whole life but now Connor knew...Connor knew he was gay. Nothing would ever be the same again. Everything would be different. Connor knew.

Murphy was beginning to panic, Connor could see it in every fiber of Murphy's being, he could hear it in every syllable he spoke. Murphy paled more than Connor thought possible, his eyes were wild, he was shaking. Then the tears started. Murphy's eyes filled quickly, tears ran down his cheeks in long streaks as he stared at Connor in the mirror.

"Murph, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you." Connor took a step forward, wanting to comfort his brother, wanting to hold him. Murphy was pure emotion, he could be easily overwhelmed, Connor should have known better. He was wrong, he shouldn't have confronted Murphy, this was his fault. "Please. Don't cry."

Murphy took a shuddering breath, his hand wiping at his face, his tears continuing without pause. "Leave-leave me alone."

Connor took another careful step forward, he felt like he was dealing with a skittish puppy, Murphy had the same look on his face. And if Connor knew his brother, which he did, Murphy was about to freak out, he was about to run.

Murphy again wiped at his face and took off from the bathroom, shoving Connor's hand away as he passed by. Connor followed him into their room as Murphy pulled his pajama pants off & quickly pulled on his jeans, kneeling on the floor after he zipped up to reach under his bed for his sneakers.

"Where ya going, Murph? Don't leave like this. Talk to me."

All Connor got in response was a loud sniff as Murphy first pulled one shoe free & then the other. He sat on his butt & shoved his feet into his sneakers as Connor moved to block the doorway, he wasn't about to let Murphy leave like this.

Murphy stood & in one swift motion, he grabbed his shirt & pulled it on, walking toward the door, toward Connor.

"I'm not letting you run from me, Murph."

Murphy wouldn't look at Connor's face, instead, he glared at his chest, his hand wiping more tears away. Connor could see something building in his twin, something that was about to explode.

"Murphy, listen..."

Then it happened, just like Connor knew it would. Murphy lunged at Connor, he grabbed his shirt & pulled him from the doorway. Murphy tried to throw Connor to the ground but Connor expected this reaction, he was prepared.

He held onto Murphy as his brother threw him toward the floor, dragging Murphy to the ground with him in a painful lump. They rolled over each other, Murphy trying to scramble free, Connor hanging on for dear life.

The expletives flew, the grunting continued, the punches started. Connor held back, only hitting Murphy to try to get him to stop, not using all his strength. Murphy hit as hard as he could, wanting to hurt his twin, desperate to get free.

Murphy fought with his heart, he didn't think, he only felt...pure emotion through and through. Connor fought with his mind, he knew how Murphy would move, how he would fight, and that was his distinct advantage...he was three moves ahead of his brother.

Connor pinned Murphy on his back as he struggled & cursed. Murphy tried to buck him off but Connor stretched his body flat against his brother, holding him in place, preventing any injury to either boy. Connor had years of experience in controlling his brother, every time Murphy had one of his severe temper tantrums, Connor would pin him to the floor until he calmed down. Pinning Murphy to the floor this time was no different than all the others.

"Get the fuck off me, Connor, you mother fucker!"

Connor pushed down harder on his brother, staring into his face, trying to get him to calm down. Then Murphy did something that shocked Connor, something he never saw coming. Murphy stopped, he just..._stopped_. His body relaxed completely, he closed his eyes and he stopped.

Connor relaxed his hold, but only slightly, unsure what his brother was up to. In all their years of wrestling, fighting and combat, Murphy had never just stopped before.

"Murph? You okay?"

Connor thought Murphy might have passed out, he was about to run for the phone to call for an ambulance, but then Murphy turned his head to the side, away from Connor. Murphy's face scrunched up as fresh tears leaked from beneath his dark eyelashes, the tears running from his eyes & into his hair. Connor released one of his brother's hands & wiped the tears from Murphy's face, trying to wipe away his pain.

Murphy felt Connor's hand on his face, he felt the love in his touch. Connor still loved him, but for how long? One of Murphy's secrets was out, he wasn't ready for Connor to know...but it was too late, Connor knew. It was only a matter of time before the bigger secret was out, Connor would figure it out, he'd know Murphy was in love with him. And then he'd lose Connor forever. Connor would send him away, he'd disown him...Connor would hate him.

Then the screaming began. Murphy screamed at the top of his lungs, he screamed from his heart, he screamed from a dark place where only his pain resided, where he kept his secrets bottled up & hidden from Connor. Screams mixed with tears, tears mixed with heartache, heartache mixed with despair.

Connor never heard anything so painful in all his life, he'd never seen anyone in such turmoil, he'd never felt his heart break like it was at that moment. Seeing anyone go through this would be difficult but this was his twin screaming, this was his brother suffering, this was his Murphy in agony. And he couldn't stop it.

Connor watched his brother break down like never before, his own heart desperately wanting to scream along with Murphy's, his tears falling onto his brother's face & mixing with Murphy's tears. Connor held Murphy down, whispering in his ear how much he loved him, telling him everything would be fine.

And while the screams echoed in the house, Connor prayed...he prayed for Murph.


	29. What Should He Do?

What should he do? What should he do? What the _fuck _should he do?

Murphy wouldn't stop, he kept crying, he kept screaming, he kept trying to twist away from his twin. His face was soaked with tears, not a dry spot remained, long salty streaks leaving trail upon trail down his face. His screams grew in intensity & length, Murphy's mournful howls echoing off their bedroom walls, chilling Connor to the bone.

It was pure torture to be so helpless, knowing Murphy's response was his fault, he was the reason Murphy freaked out. He just _had_ to push him, he couldn't let Murphy have his lie, he couldn't let it be. He should have waited until Murphy was good & fucking ready to tell him. This was all Connor's fault, every bit of it.

Murphy renewed his fight to get free, he needed to get away, he had to run. He bucked in an attempt to dislodge his body from his brother's grip, he strained, he struggled. But Connor held on. Connor held on as if his life depended on it, as if Murphy's life depended on it. He repositioned his body in response to Murphy's moves, he pressed his weight into his twin, he wouldn't let Murphy squirm away.

He attempted to soothe Murphy with soft words, quiet promises to always love him, soft pleas to stop before he hurt himself. Connor struggled to remain calm himself, he had to keep it together, he couldn't lose his shit. He had to be strong for Murphy.

Connor needed help but he couldn't leave Murphy in this state, not when he was in such turmoil. It was Friday, their Ma worked at the donut shop Friday mornings, she was already long gone. But as much as Connor wanted her to come storming into their room & take charge, he was thankful she wasn't home. He wouldn't be able to explain why Murphy was so freaked out, not without telling her his secret, not without telling her Murphy was gay. No...he'd handle this on his own, he could do it.

But Connor didn't know how much longer he could listen to the screams without dying himself. Murphy's voice was distorted, it sounded hoarse, it sounded like his throat was bleeding. With every painful sound, Connor cringed inside, dying just a bit more. Murphy's agony was Connor's agony, it always was & would always be.

He shifted on top of his brother, carefully staying in control, careful not to harm his younger twin. Connor had to keep him safe, he had to make sure nothing happened to him, he had to protect Murph from Murph. He readjusted his grip on Murphy's wrists which were pinned to the ground on either side of Murphy's head, making sure not to cut off the circulation while still keeping him restrained.

Connor couldn't hold him down forever, something eventually had to give. His mind raced to come up with a plan, something to make his baby brother snap out of it. He considered slapping Murphy's face, that always worked on tv, didn't it? As he watched Murphy struggle with his inner demons, Connor decided he would hit Murphy only as a last resort and not a second before. He would just hang on, keep Murphy safe, and wait.

Murphy slowly tired himself out, the physical struggle stopping once exhaustion took hold. The screams became wails, the wails became sobs, the sobs became convulsive whimpers as Murphy struggled to catch his breath, Connor keeping Murphy safely pinned underneath his body. Each sound grew progressively softer, each sound took an eternity to pass, and each sound took a year off of Connor's life.

Murphy's face was contorted and the tears didn't diminish with the stopping of the screams. His hair was wet along the sides of his face & nape of his neck, not from sweat but from tears...tears that made his dark hair look even darker, tears that tore at Connor's heart.

With Murphy starting to calm down, Connor got another look at the marks on his neck, at the fucking hickeys Jonathan put all over his twin. Connor fumed, grinding his teeth...he was fucking furious. There were so many, almost as if Jonathan was trying to make a point, to mark his territory or to _brand_ Murphy in some way.

Murphy deserved better, he should be taken care of, not treated like a possession. Jonathan had no right to do whatever he wanted, he had no right to mar Murph's beautiful skin...it didn't matter if Murphy was dating him, that fucker had no right. Murphy deserved someone who worshipped his sweet nature, someone who knew how lucky he was to be with Murphy, someone who kissed him not to cause marks, but to cause pleasure.

Murphy deserved someone like...someone like...like...Connor.

Murphy twisted once more beneath his brother, letting out a loud sigh as he relaxed completely, pulling Connor from his reverie.

"Shhhh, hush Murph," Connor again whispered words of encouragement to him, knowing this time Murphy might actually hear him, hoping this time it might actually sink in. "Connor's here & I'm not going anywhere. I love you. You're okay."

To Connor's great relief, Murphy finally opened his eyes & Connor took some of his weight off his brother, still vigilant as he released his wrists. The crying had stopped but...something was wrong, something was terribly wrong.

Murphy didn't move, his arms stayed in the same position, he didn't react at all to Connor letting him go. Connor expected him to wipe at his face, to try to sit up, to do _something_. But Murphy did nothing, he lay unmoving, as if he were still being held down. The blue eyes Connor loved so much, the blue eyes that reminded him of the ocean, were glazed over & staring at nothing, barely blinking. His breathing was shallow & his face was slack, he appeared dazed, catatonic.

"Murph? Stop that right fucking now," Connor said firmly, Murphy's current reaction terrifying him more than the screams. "I mean it, knock it off Murphy!"

Connor had seen Murphy shut down like this only one other time in their lives, that lone incident still haunting Connor to this day, still shaking him to his core. They were ten years old & one of the neighbors thought it was funny to tell Murphy he'd been switched at birth, he wasn't a MacManus, he wasn't Connor's _real_ twin. Murphy didn't believe the old woman at first, but she told him she visited their Ma at the hospital & the babies were identical, not fraternal...and she knew, because she saw them.

That sent Murphy into a tailspin, a full out panic. He tore their Ma's room apart looking for their birth certificates, convinced the documents would say if they were identical or fraternal. But he only found Connor's record of birth, his wasn't there. That's when Connor found him, screaming on the floor, almost every paper in the house scattered around him. Connor remembered how panicked Murphy was, how he cried so hard that he couldn't be understood...how Connor had to hold him down so he wouldn't hurt himself, just like today.

After the screaming ended, Murphy went into a daze & then Connor's screaming started...he thought Murphy was dead. When their Ma found them, she dragged them to the bathroom & put them under a cold shower, shaking Murphy from his daze which in turn shook Connor from his panic. But Murphy kept crying, repeatedly moaning "Connor isn't mine."

Ma explained over & over that Murphy was never switched, he belonged to Connor and Connor belonged to him. But even back then, Murphy was stubborn. He refused to believe his mother, even after his birth certificate was found. When the crying began anew, Ma took them to the hospital where they were born, leading them straight to Medical Records. It was a small hospital in a small town & only four babies were born that week, two baby girls & two twin boys, Connor & Murphy. Both MacManus babies were discharged & home before another baby boy was born, settling it once & for all that no MacManus baby was switched at birth. The twins faced their shared biggest fear on that day...losing the other.

That had been the worst day of Connor's life...until today.

Now Murphy wouldn't respond, he was in a daze just like when he was ten years old and Connor felt that familiar panic rise from the ashes. Murphy freaked out then, and now, because he thought he would lose Connor. Connor wanted to curl up in a ball & scream out of pure fear himself but as he looked at his motionless brother, his protective instinct took over & he went on auto-pilot.

"I'm not losing you, Murph, do you fucking hear me? I love you too much to let you go." He was practically yelling as he rolled off his brother, hooked his arms under Murphy's armpits & dragged him toward the bathroom. "Just because you're gay doesn't mean you'll lose me, you stupid fucking jerk. You're stuck with me forever."

Connor leaned Murphy against the wall & pulled off his brother's shoes, tossing them to the floor before pulling the shirt off his body. He took off his own shirt & shoes and decided not to waste time removing their pants, instead turning on the shower full blast. He dragged Murphy into the tub on top of him, Murphy's back resting on Connor's chest, his body between Connor's legs. _This had to work, it just had to, please God let this work. _

The water was freezing and it took less than a minute for Murphy to react. He began to move without any seeming coordination & Connor pulled him closer, wrapping one arm around his chest while his hand stroked his hair. Murphy loved having his hair stroked and Connor ran his fingers through the wet strands, kissing his head firmly.

"Easy, Murph, I got you," Connor leaned forward & whispered softly in Murphy's ear, trying to do anything & everything to bring him back from his stupor. When Murphy squirmed more, Connor wrapped his legs around his brother, keeping him in place to allow the cold water to do the trick. He'd happily freeze his ass off if it meant Murphy would be fine.

Five minutes later, Connor dragged a shivering Murphy from the tub, helping him walk back to their bedroom. Murphy walking was a good sign, even though he still appeared somewhat dazed and Connor felt relief wash over him. Connor pulled his own blanket from his bed, Murphy always said he liked Connor's blanket better than his own, and he wrapped it around Murphy, pulling him into his arms & cocooning him.

Murphy could smell Connor all around him, he was wrapped up in his scent & he pressed his face into the soft blanket as his brother hugged him, slowly inhaling the scent from the blanket & the sweet scent from Connor himself. He felt Connor's calming presence, he felt his hands rubbing his back, he felt his love.

He closed his eyes, remembering..._Connor knew_.

The panic was gone, at least for now, but an overwhelming sense of dread took its place. Soon...soon Connor would understand everything & he'd never hold him like this again. Connor would be too afraid to hold him, to touch him...probably even to look at him. Murphy's biggest fear was on his doorstep, he was going to lose Connor.

Murphy wanted to clutch onto his brother but he couldn't, the blanket & Connor's arms prevented his movement. Connor maneuvered him to the bed & knelt in front of him, taking Murphy's hands into his own, his thumbs stroking his skin.

"Murph. You okay?"

Their matching eyes locked & Murphy wanted to cry but he had no tears left, he'd shed them all. He could see the desperation in his brother's eyes, the panic that matched his own, the fear. He slowly nodded & watched Connor's face relax.

Then the inevitable happened. "We need to talk, okay? About those marks on your neck, about your...about your friend. About you being gay, Murph."

* * *

Connor couldn't believe he fell for it. Even in the state his brother was in, he'd tricked him, he worked Connor so easily with those big fucking eyes & that soft fucking voice. And Connor fell for it just like always.

Murphy said he was cold & asked Connor to make him some tea before they talked...and then he'd given him that look. That same fucking look that always fucking worked. Connor only hesitated a moment after Murphy quietly said he'd wait in their room for him & Connor believed him. But Murphy was gone by the time he got back, the little shit had climbed out the window.

Four hours later & Connor was still looking for him. He went every place he & Murphy hung out and everywhere in between...twice. Then he got a sick feeling. Murphy wouldn't go to...no, he better not...no, he wouldn't go _there. _

Connor ran the entire way, he had never run so fast in his entire life, not stopping until he arrived at his destination. He had seen Murphy previously enter through this door and he prayed Murph had the good sense not to come back. But Murphy was naïve, he was inexperienced, he was trusting. And if Murphy was in love on top of that, then he just might be in there, Connor might have pushed him right into Jonathan's arms.

Connor prayed his brother was anywhere but behind these doors.

He knocked & took a step back, giving the fucker time to answer the door before he broke it down. When the door finally did open, Connor was face to face...with Jonathan.


End file.
